I Was Married to a Sociopath.

Some things hit you between the eyes.  Others take a little longer, then whack you around the face to boot, as if to wake you from your stupor.

And then, you're finally free.

'He's a Sociopath,' someone had said.

'A Sociopath?'  I thought.  'Psycopath' had often crossed my mind, but 'Sociopath?' What on earth did that mean?

A good Google was in order and this produced amazing and instant results.  The more I read, the more things made sense.  It explained everything.

Perusing page after page listing the signs and symptoms, the eye-opening continued and with relief and awe, amidst feelings of incredible shame and foolishness, the truth dawned:-  I'd been married to one.

Not that there was anything I could do about any of it.  Only my perception had changed.  His behaviour would continue to hurt me. Worse, it would affect the children too.

It wasn't as if the tell tale stuff wasn't there at the outset of what would be a doomed and mostly miserable relationship, it sure as hell was, but so clever are they at luring you in to their 'Woe is me' story, making you feel sorry for them and exploiting every last fibre of your kind and giving being that it may be many years before you manage to eventually extricate yourself.

If you work with a Sociopath, you will feel bullied and humiliated. So, too, if a parent or your partner could be classed one.

It's very difficult to recover.

This is what Professor Robert Hare says in one of his books 'Without Conscience' -

'Sociopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plough their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.'

In my experience, you fall for Mr. Charming - the attentive, caring, witty and understanding part of his personality which hides a ruthless, cunning, deceitful and domineering one.  Your friends will be impressed.  Your family will welcome him in.  You don't tell them about the snide comments when they begin.

You think you are happy.  You make excuses for him.  The criticisms about your cooking, the dissing your driving and the sneers at your appearance insidiously mount.  You slowly become quieter, the more of you that is extinguished, the more your confidence evaporates.

You might try to talk about it.  Your friends and family now make excuses for him.  You don't tell them how bad it really is, because in-between times, in public, you see the man you thought he was, believe he is, if only you can help him.

You try harder.

He blames everyone else.  He blames his luck.  He thinks everyone is out to get him.  You try harder again.  You can see someone brilliant and extraordinary with incredible potential, perhaps with depression, or even Asperger's, but these are condidions which cannot be turned on and off at whim, depending on who's watching.   You are confused, you feel wretched and guilty.

By now, you might have children with this person - something else that will add to his tormented, angry temperament.  He will try to make you happy.  Becaue he's so f*cked up, he will fail.  Your heart can't switch around as his moods do.  Much damage will have been done.  Many tears will have been shed.  Yours and his.

In outward ways he is great.  He saves the real him for you, when no-one is looking.  He will punch walls, smash a glass table, but never hit you.  He is intimidating and his favourite remark is that you don't know anything about anything.  He makes you fight to be heard.  He condemns your opinions, disregards your feelings, ignores your efforts and dismisses your desires.

You try harder.

You may become more assertive.  He merely ups his menacing game.  But his mask might start to slip - in front of the children.  The neighbours will notice.  Your friends get a glimpse - the few from whom he luckily didn't manage to isolate you.  All the 'Who the f*ck is that?' comments every time one of them rang will have unnerved you and those who went by the wayside will have increased your insecurity and fed his power.

You will feel embarrassed,  but you will start to open up, take legal advice even.  They label it 'Emotional / Domestic Abuse.'

Years later you will hear the newer, posher term 'Intimate Terrorism' and know exactly what it means.  You will peer past the glamourous exterior of Nigella Lawson, identifying with the hurt and betrayal in her eyes and you will sense that she, too, despite her dignified appearance, deep down, is broken.

You start to secretly make notes of things.  And then one day, he finally goes far too far, so, with newfound boldness, you quit, calling it a day, at last accepting it's not you who is crazy.  

All your previous attempts to finish the relationship will have been met with threats of suicide, promises to seek help and counselling sessions might even have been had, but to no avail.

And when you're divorced, you think it's over.  But, no, he wades back into your life, throwing his weight around, banging on about his right to see the children who he goes on to upset and disturb with alarming regularity.

Your life is toxic with him in it.  You don't want him to win.  You have to protect your sons - yet you don't know what is actually best for them.  You tear yourself up trying to do work out what that is. You find yourself required to rely on professionals who don't even get their names right.  They suggest your ex-husband is a controlling 'Narcisstic Sociopath,' but they add the caveat - 'If what you are saying is true.'

They throw in 'Anti-Social Personality Dis-Order' which is deemed more acceptable to the courts, but it's expensive to prove.   For every step forward feeling heard, there are a couple back.  Despair sets in. You are dangerously demoralised.  Frustration must be overcome with yet more faith and fortitude.

Fortunately for you, your friends no longer hold back.

You are exhausted, shattered from so much trying, yet still you continue.  Some women will go under, but you're determined not to be one of them.

You are free of him now, but the children aren't.  You do your best to faciliate a healthy, loving relationship but you wonder whether it's even possible.  It's no longer about how he made you leave the bedroom three times a night when you were breastfeeding because he 'couldn't stand the f*cking sucking sound.'  It's about how your eldest son has 'dark feelings in his heart' he attributes to his father and how the youngest one clings to your Foreign Language Students (enforced upon us all by the lack of financial contribution) and more or less any other man he meets and calls them all 'Daddy,' as unedifying and mortifying as it is.

You have to stay strong, brave and decent, everything he isn't.  But you cope.

You have to for the childrens' sakes.

And your new life may falter, but it will still be there.

Articles and Sources of help -

Psycopath vs Sociopath - What's the difference?

Sociopath Signs: Is your Ex a Sociopath or a Narcissist?

womens aid (National Domestic Violence Helpline) 0808 2000 247
RESPECT - helpline for men 0808 8010 327  / anyone else 0808 802 4040 

lovefraud.com

Refuge
RISE (Brighton & Hove) 01273 622822
netmums
mumsnet

Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt - Single Mums' Stories 5.

Annie, 36, is a woman after my own heart. She and her husband of four years, Papasaurus, fell in love while they were already living together.  They live in Hampshire with their two young children, 'Queen Scamp' and 'Ozzy.'  
Better known as Mammasaurus, she is a leading light in the Blogosphere, prolific in her writing and support of all bloggers and has masterminded Love All Blogs, including Love New Blogs, and Love Cookery / Craft / Dad / Mummy / Photo Blogs with Love Music / Travel / Beauty / Fashion / Videos / Politics Blogs to come.

Annie has six other children, giving her a total of five lovely boys and three gorgeous girls, 16, 15, 13, 11, 10, 9, 3 and 2 and, as well as also working on finishing her first book, she has other projects on the go, one of which is supporting Black Dog Tribe, which was founded by the famous comedienne RubyWax, a baby born to her, to help raise awareness about mental illness and kill off the stigma which surrounds it.

We all know Mammasaurus to be original, creative, witty, clever, frivolous and outlandish. She says she's 'just a mum in a dressing gown writing stuff down that comes to her.'  You've only got to take a look at this Christmas Karaoke of hers to appreciate how far from true this is!    

Yet recently she wrote about Living in Cloud Cuckoo Land - sharing her experiences of living with mental illness.  Looking back, she believes her first marriage broke down as a result of Post Natal Depression - something we haven't yet covered in this series of Stories from Single Mums. Her first husband is now one of her closest friends. 

Here, she writes a very serious story along lines we are more familiar with. However the degree is nothing short of shocking. Her honesty is brutal and unnerving. It is about the break up of her second marriage and what happened when she became a single mum. Her message is sincere and important.  

She serves as an inspiration to us all.


Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an honour and a privilege to give you Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt:

Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt, 36.

Back in 2003 I was single mother of six children under the age of seven, I was living on state benefits

and every value brand of food under the sun.


“It’s irresponsible if you ask me, having kids that she can’t afford and expecting the rest of us to
pay for them” are the words I overheard another mother speaking in the school playground one
afternoon.


My second marriage broke down in very unpleasant circumstances. Following many months of my
husband controlling every aspect of my life I mustered up the courage to tell him that I no longer
wanted to be in a relationship with him and I asked him to leave.


At this point I have to add a bit about his controlling nature. We had been together for three years
before I even began to notice what was happening. If he rang from work and I didn’t answer the
phone, for example if I had popped to the local shop for supplies, I’d have a long interrogation on
his return that evening. Where had I been? How long for? What hadn’t I told him before he went to
work I was going out? Even if anyone we know could verify my whereabouts.


I became a the secretary of the school PTA but attending evening meetings proved problematic
– if I was gone for any longer than an hour I would have to explain why it went on so long, who I
was speaking to and so on. Whilst I was part of the PTA I became friends with a very strong and
inspirational woman, she was married with children but had her own identity – it was only through
getting to know her that I realised just how wrong my life had become. When my husband told me
to choose between him and the PTA I chose. And it wasn’t him. ‘It’s me or the PTA’ sounds bloody
funny in hindsight.


I felt weak willed and useless, how had this man managed to manipulate me so much? The answer?
Very slowly and systematically.


A week after I has asked him to leave he came to visit the children, it was then he raped me, in front
of my two youngest children.


That’s the precise moment when we went from a separated family to me and the children being
alone. The police became involved, I took out an injunction against my husband and the CPS
reviewed the case. The case was dropped – insufficient evidence they said, my word versus his word.
It could not be proved beyond reasonable doubt.


I went from a housewife and mother of six children with a ‘loving’ husband who had a reasonable
job to a single mother of six children, coping with the after effects of rape surviving on benefits the
best I could. The word ‘stress’ does not even come close to describing how hard it was.


My mother and I do not have the best relationship; she is what I would call a critical mother.
Whatever I do it’s not good enough or done as well as she would do it. The first example that pops
to mind is potty training. I started potty training my eldest at 18 months old only to be told by
my mum that it was ‘far too late – you were potty trained by the time you were 8 months old’.
Seriously?


My mother was the only family I had, my father had died a few years earlier and one day she had
come to visit us and asked me ‘Are you sure you were raped? N******n seems like such a nice man, 
are you making it up?’

I asked her to leave and to this day we don’t speak much.

Fast forward a few months and the family court decided that my husband had done nothing to the
children and so I would have to let him see them every weekend. On the first weekend of contact
one of boys was returned to me minus his lovely long golden locks. He had had his head shaved.
My husband’s reasoning he ‘thought he saw a nit’. The next weekend the children came back from
visiting him with his wedding ring saying ‘daddy misses you he was crying – please can he come and
live with us?’


Things got much, much worse and I couldn’t cope at all. I arranged for my children to live with their
fathers. The older three with their father and the middle three with my second husband and I left. It
was known that I was going but I told no one where.


The point of telling this story is that it’s easy for people to judge you as a single mother – benefits
scrounger, slag, irresponsible. People need to take a step back just for a moment, some single
mothers are single through choice and are strong and independent women. Others are single
mothers through no fault of their own and are just doing what they need to do to get by, to exist,
to be a good mother to their children. Single mothers do not need snide looks, accusations or
stereotyping – they need support and respect. Respect for having the strength to go it alone, to be
the main carer, bread-winner, conversation holder, bottom wiper, friend and role model.




Next  

So Glad Am Outta There!

'I wish not to harp on about this book, 'Why Does He Do That?', (re previous post) so won't, however it is important that those who find themselves in a relationship that is disrespectful come to appreciate what a crucial problem it can be, or is.  

We all find ourselves in one from time to time - with work colleagues, family members, lovers or friends - where we feel DEVALUED.  Sometimes we find the ability to stand up for ourselves, yet, depending on who we are, our upbringing, our culture, our current state of mind, we really don't and life can be miserable as a result.  Our self-esteem is eroded, our strength evaporates and we are just plain worn out.

In extreme cases, insults and certain forms of intimidation - looks or glares and sneers plus much worse, this is considered abuse.  Mental cruelty is common.  The perpetrator attempting to justify it, playing victim and distorting or twisting events is just par for the course in these relationships, at work or home or 'play.'

In Natural Medicine circles, or Spiritual ones, they say we attract what we need to heal.  My Shitty Ex-Husband was a perfect gift looked at in that light.  He isolated me to a degree that no-one would expect of a bright, successful person, cleverly lured me in to his dramas and warped my mind, sucking up my life like a vaccuum cleaner to meet his own ends.  He was selfish and destructive, while making me feel sorry for him and I still don't get how it all occurred.

There are women (and men) who live with a Jekyll and Hyde character and are too ashamed to say so.  They are scared and confused, depressed and anxious, yet everyone they know feels sympathy too for the other person in the frame.  It is a complex situation.

'Why Does He Do That?' covers all these things in general.  I have only had a peruse, not wishing to drag up stuff that, previous to reading it, could happily (naively and wrongly) have been deemed to be OVER.  It made an uncomfortable time looking through, but I feel it could be of help to those who know they deserve better, but don't know what to do.  Good Luck!

Many of us will come out the other side.  Having children gives you the wherewithal for backbone you never before knew existed and you may find out who you really can be - see 'Is Life Like a Sat. Nav. Drive?' - an essential a thing as you'll ever do!


Emotional Abuse

Refuge Charity

'Why does he do that?'

I have just heard of a book said to get inside the minds of angry and controlling men.  (For this you can also read 'disrespecting, insulting, devaluing or intimidating' ones). It is called 'Why does he do that?' and seems right up my street.  Having come so far down it though, it's not going to make an easy tackle, because it's tough to look back at how awful things used to be with Shitty Ex-Husband.  However, it is necessary to explore - it having been highly recommended - what advice it might offer with regard to his 'Contact' with the children.

Already, it has to be supervised and he resists, obviously, but strategies for his (endless) arguments and manipulative ways can only be a bonus.  It is very wearing being with someone - even when you're no longer 'with them' - who is seemingly demented.  So often.  And perfectly charming when they fancy.  It is confusing and frightening as well as heartbreaking and who wants to inflict that on their children?

I spent so many years crying, trying to fix our marriage / avoiding it altogether - and for why is something I might never be able to fathom - unless the book provides some answers - but it is impossible to deprive Robson and Aiden of their father altogether. He rings regularly (unless I've asked him for some long overdue maintenance(!) - see 'The Well is Dry')  and every few weeks I accompany a friend and sort of keep my distance while she takes my boys to play in the park with him.  They don't seem like 'ours.'  He has been gone nearly three years, since I was pregnant.

So it will be my mission for the next few days and I will report back shortly.

In the mean time, who knew children could be so happily entertained by watching mum clean her teeth and made quite so joyful by her actually sitting between the child seats in the back of the car while someone else drives for a change?  The utter delight these things have brought my boys has been a sharp lesson.  All they need is love.  And the simplicity of my attention  Do they really need such a Dad?

amazon