To Single Parents Everywhere.

For some of you, this will have been your first festivities as a lone parent and it's undoubtedly tough.

I want you to know that, no matter what, things will be different this time next year.  You'll never, ever have to go through the first time again, your children will be older and a lot of water will have passed under many a bridge by the time another New Year's Eve comes around.

You will be braver, stronger and more at peace than you can ever imagine, even though things might not be perfect.  No-one's got it perfect, even if they look like they have and it's important to remember that.

No matter which way your life goes - and it may not stray too far from where you're presently at - if your kids are happy and healthy then you're doing a great job and have much to be proud of.

This time will go quickly and it will be special, just you and them.  Your friends might be out partying while you're stuck at home 'baby'sitting, but you get used to it and, frankly, you need all the rest you can get, so it's not necessarily a bad thing.

My boys, now 10 1/2 and 6 1/2.

These two munchkins came back from a short stay at their father's yesterday.  Gosh, it was a wrench to let them go, but it was awfully nice not to have to get up early for just a couple of mornings too.  I stayed up late watching The Holiday, The Shawshank Redemption (remember its message about always gotta have hope?) and even Erin Brockovich.  Now there's a feisty and inspiring single mother if ever there were one.

And here's another little message some of us more seasoned ones received kind of from arguably the most famously successful single parent ever -

I don't want to stay a single parent for ever and I'm sure you don't, but it's necessary to have breathing space before moving on.  Kid yourself not that the fall-out from your ex-relationship won't affect a new one.  It needs to be well dead in the water before you can begin again.

And I don't mean any offence to those who have lost partners.  That's a whole other grieving process for which you have my sincere condolences and hearfelt hope for healing.

Lots of lone parents don't want to move on and meet anyone else, even if only for a while.  That's mostly women.  We pick up the pieces of so many emotions for so many people you wouldn't believe it unless you'd experienced it first hand.

Friends and family are affected by any split or divorce and the changes that can occur there can be just as painful as those between partners and the effects on the children.

So cut yourselves some slack.  Enjoy yourselves as far as possible and please stay postive as you see in 2016.

Happy New Year to my single parent friends, new and old and to you, my lovely, mainly happily married readers.  Thank you for your company these last few years.  I hope we can spend many more together and I really look forward to seeing how far we've all come when we're toasting 2017!

Chin Chin and Lots of Love,

Anya XX

Stepping Up.

The kids and me, stepping out in Cervione, Corsica.

It's been a quiet summer here - mostly jigsaws, train tracks, Monopoly and movies.

Although it's good to enjoy being with the boys while they're still young enough to love this kind of thing, the main reason we had to stay closer to home than usual (aside from the naffest August on record) was that, just before we broke up, I ended up in A&E again with a nasty relapse of my post-concussion problems.

It came on completely unexpectedly and was so worrying that I feared going up to the hospital genuinely might mean never coming out!

Forgive me for sounding dramatic, but, normally, if I got too tired or dehydrated or stressed or all three, there would be a throbbing at the point of impact on the side of my head where the badminton racquet struck me over two years ago, it would buzz a great deal - like it was emitting lots of little electric currents and I would know I'd have to sit or lie down pretty swiftly and let myself kind of blank out, but this time, it was different.  It came out of nowhere.

Well, I say nowhere, it was sparked by the kids doing what kids do - playing up in a way that is perfectly natural for two energetic children, in a way that anyone should ordinarily be able to cope with.

We were going to the cinema on a Sunday.  They were a bit too relaxed as the time approached to leave and an ordeal to get out of the house started.  If the tickets hadn't been booked and paid for, we wouldn't have made it, but they had been, so we were all forced to step up.

And this seems to be the problem - too much stepping up on my part.  The Consultant said it was a build up of pressure that had caused the 'popping' sensation which had moved my newly severe headache from its usual specific location to all over my crown.  It had subsided a bit before I eventually took myself off to get properly investigated a few days later, but my eyes had deteriorated considerably further than they have already since the original accident and trying to learn something new brought about physical pain in my brain.

He conducted lots of tests - usually those they carry out in case of a stroke - reflexes, strength of limbs, light and sound etc. and they, fortunately, all produced results that didn't concern him.  He decided, therefore, that the exposure to radiation for another scan wasn't necessary and an assurance to us both was / is that staying still really does help, whereas should there be anything as serious as a bleed or growth, this wouldn't be the case.

But how often do any of us just sit around?  Six weeks of summer holidays were looming at that point and my pressures weren't going anywhere!

Admittedly, they had been higher than normal - jetting off at short notice on a press trip to Corsica, for example, had brought about military organizing for all four of the children in my care, because, frankly, hosting a couple of young Foreign Language students involves the same amount of  attention as my own two. They needed to be looked after in our absence - beds changed, laundry done and food prepared in advance, to, as much as possible, help out my friends who were kindly staying.  It wouldn't do to just scarper and leave them at home without an adult, when have been entrusted to me and I wouldn't appreciate it if I had a teenager who was supposedly being looked after by a host mother in anther country and she suddenly disappeared for a week - work-wise or not!

One of them had been on Ramadan, fasting during the day for the previous few weeks, then eating and re-hydrating (and going to the loo) on and off all night, torturing me with interminable sleep disturbances and we'd only just got back from (another massive juggling excercise of) a week-end away, were in the throes of end of term madness via two different schools and just as the youngest had got over a bug, the eldest needed carting to a big sports event the other side of town, all of which came at once.

But it never occurred to me not to step up to any of it.

And although it was wonderful to be away, I am still a lone parent with two children and just looking at the other bloggers' impressive array of scary looking cameras made me feel too worn out for words.  It also hit home rather hard how the financial pressures of being a single mum can be heaviest of all.

So, feeling uncharacterstically crushed and unbelievably humourless, I took things in hand and the six week break turned out to be a gift - literally what the doctor ordered!

For its whole duration, I put into practise as best as I could the 'be the change you want to see' and started stepping back instead of up.

I've managed to secure a 'proper' job for the first time since the boys were born and have, at last, been able to get them attending the same school - things which will make life easier daily and help my head feel less like an unregulated pressure cooker.  

It still aches sometimes.  There are consequent early nights to contend with and it remains important not to become too tired, stressed or dehydrated or I will still have to let myself blank out as the lovely Michelle Pannell can attest to after it happened even in her tranquil surroundings!

My drinking days might be done as well - although *sacrilege shock* it appears there seems to be a place for watered down wine in this world.  Who knew?!

And things have improved so much that we were even able to get away for the last week off to visit family and friends along the coast and in Jersey again (something I'll be sharing soon).

It feels good to be back on track and I'm looking forward to catching up with what you've all been up to.

Thank you ever so much to those of you who've left very kind messages during this time.  The sympathy and mickey taking are equally appreciated!

Lots of love,

Slacker Anya ;)

XX

Top Tips for Being a Single Parent.

The kids and me.

People are always asking me how I cope with being a single mum.  Their universal line is that they 'couldn't do it.'

Rarely do we choose to go it alone.  Everyone has a story behind why they ended up doing so.  It's tough, it really is, but always for reasons that you might not have thought of before you find yourself (or your friend finds herself / himself) bringing up children solo - for most of the time, at least.

What really helped me was my divorced friends.  They are the ones that understand the relentlessness, the loneliness and the never-ending emotional support required for the kids as they age and ask increasingly insightful questions that demand clever and careful, but honest, answers. They know that these conversations occur around 11pm when one child or another has woken disturbed with yet another bad dream and that you're already exhausted, but still have to find the compassion, the sensitivity and the energy to deal with them.  Again.

And that the children never really come to terms with our family being 'different' to their most of their mates'.

It hurts, it undoubtedly does, but the buck stops with you now, so you've got to get on with it.  And even if and when you're brave enough to choose to co-habit with someone new and wonderful in the future, there is some stuff that will always be down to you to heal.

You'll come to treasure this time - honestly - when it's just you and them.  You'll have intense and unimpenetrable life-long bonds.  There are lots of advantages to autonomy and not being undermined by someone else.

The chances are that the end of your marriage / partnership has been years in the making and, looking back, that will become clearer.  In time, you will become grateful that you are no longer alone within a relationship - because that is hell on earth.

Those who suffer the shock of a sudden or prolongued bereavement endure a different type of hell. They don't get the relief that sets in post separation.  It is a shame and unfair that the brightest stars die out the fastest and that the rest of us are left with the selfish, the stupid and the sociopaths, but that's the way it is, sometimes.  We still have to get on with it.  

Those that think of leaving their spouses don't do it easily.  They wonder whether the grass will be greener for a long while before breaking out.  In my case, it was gloriously so.  For others, it isn't. Many dilly dally or daren't run the risk of finding out, but what suits your children best, regardless, is happy parents.

Here are my tips for if you suddenly find yourself a single mum or dad.  Or even if you are thinking about becoming one.

1) Pace yourself.  You are the most important thing in your child's world.  You are the sun around which the little planet they live on in their heads revolves.  You need to be strong and secure. Running around stressed out of your own serves no-one.

2) Conflict is damaging.  Keeping communication going with your ex is key.  Even if it's via a solicitor (quite advisable in the early days, often).  As much as you might loathe him / her, they're part of the long-term picture.  You may as well get used to that, but, be warned - if they were an unreasonable so and so before your split, they sure as eggs are eggs will remain so now.  Keep all conflict - and it's quite likely there will be some - away from the kids.

3) Lay off the wine.  (*Stares at re-cycling and slaps self.*).  It's very easy to use it as a crutch and most of us consume more than our fair share.  However, highly preferable and heaps healthier is a beautiful bath and an early night.  A)  Alcohol is expensive  B) It makes us tetchy  C) It is a stimulant, will keep us awake, dehydrate us and result in us being us even more tired.  It has its time and place - just use it more wisely than some of us who don't necessarily always practise what we preach.  *Cough.*   Sleep is a better ally.

4) Money is a biggie.  This will probably be the hardest adjustment for all concerned.  You'll be amazed at how you used to flash your cash before and wince.  No matter how many zillions you have between you, it is seldom a smooth move from joint to not.  My ex gave up work and didn't give us a penny, but that's because he's selfish, stupid and a sociopath  - i.e. at the other end of the scale.  Most men are fair and decent but won't wish to understand that the home still costs almost as much to run as it did when he lived there.  The kids come first and it's worth fighting for them growing up without a chip on their shoulder.  They might have to make adjustments too though.  Everyone pays somehow.

5) Find some solidarity.  Some people turn to books.  Others turn to on-line friends, to their real-life ones and to family. Anyone who has been through something similar will help no end.  To feel understood and heard can be truly therapeutic.  What is generally underestimated is the length of time the pain of a split, the depth of it and the effects of it, can be.  Talk, be open and try to obtain some professional counselling if you can.  That kind of thing seriously moves you on.  

6) Make things easier for yourself.  Pay people if you can afford it.  There is no shame in staying sane.  Employing a cleaner - even once a fortnight - can make a real difference to how fraught you might feel.  Learn to bleed your radiators and how to change a loo seat if you like, but let someone else mow the lawn and do your windows. You need to protect your precious energy in order to be able to handle all the emotions flying between you all!  Your children will be grown up in a flash and you don't want to look back and see yourself screaming at them while you're throwing the hoover around in a rage.  Rope in your friends / family / neighbours if and where possible.

7) Take one day at a time.  This is the best advice I was ever given.  Don't scare yourself by looking to the future - it's an unknown entity.  Get yourself through the day.  Give yourself credit for all the things you have achieved, rather than upsetting yourself with the things you just wish you had. Lower your expectations of yourself, but keep your hopes high.  You're on a long road.

If you are a man you will be hailed as a hero.  You are no less one if you are a woman, but some people may prefer to pick you apart.  Ignore them. They are not there when you're weeping because your kids are in the middle of the night.  They don't see the copious, second-nature sacrifices you make.  They have no idea how hard things are.  The last thing you need is yet more selfishness or stupidity to contend with and you can't spare the time from your herculean task overload for it.  An offer of help would be much more appropriate, so their attitude says far more about them than it does about you.

Each situation is unique and we can only do our very best.  The children will love having you to themselves and, eventually, despite your shattered self-esteem and decimated heart, you'll find you 'can do' becoming a single parent.  It will be rewarding, worth it and quite probably, the making of you.

What would you add?

Anya XX

Thank you to all of you who nominated me in the #Bibs 2015 Best Writer Category.  I'm thrilled to have made it to the shortlist and it would be awesome to make it into the final five.  If you can find it in your heart to vote me through, then please click HERE.  (Thank you very, very much!). 

My Most Perfect #Parenting Moment Ever.

We're quite lucky with our local leisure centre - they lay on all sorts of stuff for the kids throughout the holidays for just a couple of quid at a time because they're non-profit making.  Unheard of as this is, it doesn't mean we wouldn't take advantage of it, does it?

The boys have been learning to rollerskate / 'Blade' and, among other things, to play table tennis which might not sound too glamorous, but there are tables dotted all over Brighton for free playing on them and this will have saved no end of arguments over the rights and wrongs between us all, bringing about a great deal more joy than strife from now on!

But by far the best thing to come out of them thoroughly exhausting me this lovely break was something we did quite independently and is something on which my heart has been set for some years.

One of my greatest sources of shame as a single parent (and there aren't many!) has been not being able to teach the boys to swim properly, because coaching them individually has been out of the question with two such young children.

The eldest had lessons but they became an ordeal when he had an 'incident' and lost his confidence, which we tried to push through but eventually gave up on, because I was pregnant with littlest, had kicked my husband out and neither of us needed any more sources of stress. 

Further lessons have been sporadic in line with finances, but we have enjoyed plenty of play sessions in pools nevertheless with the baby / toddler / pre-schooler who is fearless to the point of dangerous.  It became imperative he also learned to swim because, unaware that it was entirely down to his special floatie swimsuit, he thought he could and acted accordingly, so I booked him half a dozen aid-free lessons.

The small pool has served us all well which is where we stay, so the eldest rarely gets to practise lots of complete lengths, which would undoubtedly stand him in better stead for his friends' pool parties now he's at that age, but it's great he's itching to do it, considering his fear's been so long lasting - and that's where we were recently when my most perfect #parenting moment ever occurred.

Littlest hurled himself into the water towards his brother, never bothered to come up for air and swam underwater a good few feet all the way to him!  Just like that.  Two lessons was all it had taken for him to figure out what he was doing.  

So thrilled were we all that he repeatedly did this for the rest of our time there that day - only ever to his brother - his true inspiration.  

I *might* have laughed and cried with joy.  We *might* have a long way to go until we're all able to swim a 

decent distance together.  The youngest learning to breathe so he can keep going *might* be useful before we try.  But we've had a breakthrough.

And the best bit of all?  The brotherly love and devotion the eldest demonstrated as he encouraged him over and over again, oblivious to how this might give him what he wants and deserves - for us to be able to properly swim together.  

He knows I went with my dad when I was young, which would give me the 'nice, funny feeling' he said he had in his tummy on the one occasion when we have managed it (by dragging a friend along without any of their own kids to care for!).

He doesn't know it was the only night of the week we might have seen our dad and that he was training with his scuba diving club really, that he would actually only do a few token lengths with me and my sister before abandoning us altogether to do a load more on our own and then, in case we didn't get the message, which we didn't because we were just children, he'd leave us in the back of his Landrover in the pub car park afterwards, together with his new wife's children and a bottle of lemonade and a packet of crisps each for the rest of the evening!

But it's why my swimming is good and I want my boys to be able to enjoy theirs and when you look at my patchy teaching methods - basically persistence and patience - and how handsomely they've paid off, there really is nothing to feel ashamed of.  Being a single parent sometimes means being doubly proud.    

Just look at this little beast in all his glory!