15 September 2011

'Why does he do that?'

I have just heard of a book said to get inside the minds of angry and controlling men.  (For this you can also read 'disrespecting, insulting, devaluing or intimidating' ones). It is called 'Why does he do that?' and seems right up my street.  Having come so far down it though, it's not going to make an easy tackle, because it's tough to look back at how awful things used to be with Shitty Ex-Husband.  However, it is necessary to explore - it having been highly recommended - what advice it might offer with regard to his 'Contact' with the children.

Product DetailsAlready, it has to be supervised and he resists, obviously, but strategies for his (endless) arguments and manipulative ways can only be a bonus.  It is very wearing being with someone - even when you're no longer 'with them' - who is seemingly demented.  So often.  And perfectly charming when they fancy.  It is confusing and frightening as well as heartbreaking and who wants to inflict that on their children?

I spent so many years crying, trying to fix our marriage / avoiding it altogether - and for why is something I might never be able to fathom - unless the book provides some answers - but it is impossible to deprive Robson and Aiden of their father altogether. He rings regularly (unless I've asked him for some long overdue maintenance(!) - see 'The Well is Dry')  and every few weeks I accompany a friend and sort of keep my distance while she takes my boys to play in the park with him.  They don't seem like 'ours.'  He has been gone nearly three years, since I was pregnant.

So it will be my mission for the next few days and I will report back shortly.

In the mean time, who knew children could be so happily entertained by watching mum clean her teeth and made quite so joyful by her actually sitting between the child seats in the back of the car while someone else drives for a change?  The utter delight these things have brought my boys has been a sharp lesson.  All they need is love.  And the simplicity of my attention  Do they really need such a Dad?

amazon

2 comments:

  1. My ex-husband has serious control issues to and has done his unconscious best to alienate his kids over the years. However, a child psychiatrist that my eldest boy was seeing told me that unless his father was abusive, even if he wasn't perfect, it was better for both child and father that contact was maintained.

    It's been hard work, but I can say I've done my best to keep the boys seeing their dad, and they can make their own minds up about continuing to see him when they come of age.

    Basically they understand that while he is pretty annoying, he is their dad and he's not going to change so they have to deal with him how he is.

    I'd be interested to hear what you think of the book.

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  2. Hi Sarah, Have just re-written that blog a bit and was surprised you are already on it! Thx for that. All helps. Will keep you informed.

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