As we become increasingly further away from the feckless teenager persona of the single parent, Chrissie shares with us how she sees things - that their median age is 36, more work than don't and that most have had their children within a steady relationship, rather than just as a currency for a council house and how, unfortunately, this doesn't make headlines, just unsung heroes.
She's 45, mum to two girls, 11 and 12, and says she is rapidly learning the Joys of the Pre-Teen. Her career has been spent in Marketing. She has a host of degrees and post graduate certificates in subjects long since forgotten and had a passionate and rather odd affair with All Things German which provided no help whatsoever when giving up her career to pursue her dream of self employment:
 |
| Chrissie Lewandowski, 45. |
The raised eyebrows said it all. I’d just
proudly mentioned to a fellow conference delegate that the very entertaining
speaker had actually holidayed with
‘Single With Kids’ and his disbelief was hard to hide. Yes, the speaker is a
single parent, and yes, single parents can
be intelligent, funny, professional and extremely talented. Unfortunately the UK media has been extremely
successful in building a stereotype from which we struggle to escape – ask
anyone to personify the words ‘single parent’ and I’d bet my daughter’s JLS
poster collection that Vicky Pollard would be top of the list. Our after
dinner speaker ticked none of these
boxes – a middle aged, successful journalist & film director just doesn’t
tie into the gutter press’s image of those parents who are single-handedly
responsible for all of society’s ills.
Single parent stigma is something we come up against constantly, I've lost count of the number of times we've had to explain our club before we could secure a booking with suppliers. One campsite claimed they "don't take groups like yours", another told us they'd be checking the parents' ID at the bar. Given the fact our parents are predominantly middle aged, they'd be delighted to be asked for ID! A lady at Center Parcs snottily claimed "Single parents? Ooh, we are probably too expensive for you" Really? Given the fact our members include doctors, lawyers, an OBE actress, nurses and teachers, I thought that was a rather sweeping statement, as well as being totally off the mark as we have families who have decided against Center Parcs in favour of all inclusive 5 star Med resorts. Strangely enough, we find single parents themselves are influenced by the stigma too, we have a number of emails asking "what kind of people?" come on our breaks!
The first year I split with my husband, I
would find myself almost whispering the words ‘single parent’ as if I was
admitting to being a Chesney Hawkes’ fan.
It couldn’t have been much worse if the divorce courts had given me
sackcloth to wear and a bell to ring – the words signalled my (apparent) abject
failure in life, and the fact I was to
tar my children to a life of dysfunction and accordingly to the latest
single-parent-bashing report, roly-poly waistlines too. Like most, single parentdom
wasn’t on my list of “Things-to-do-before-you’re-40”. In fact I’d never really given it a second
thought until it hit me like a slow moving steam train, when after a 10 year
relationship we both had to admit our marriage was making us all downright
miserable. For increased dramatic effect
this happened to be the very same month I walked out of a job, slamming the
door behind me just a little too vigorously for my bank manager’s liking – I
was out on a limb in all senses of the word.
May as well be hung for sheep as for a lamb so the saying goes and here
I was aiming for a full flock of them.
I never did shy away from a challenge. Fortunately another job was
waiting in the wings, and the ex was replaced by a Spaniel – a good swap on all
sides. Bo Peep could sleep soundly.
The first year of separation was an
emotional smorgasbord , topped by the fact many of our former married
friends didn’t quite know to handle our new circumstances….so didn’t. Neither
of us saw them for the dust cloud they left behind. My ex moved out of the
family home, the Spaniel pup moved in (and ate an awful lot less), I painted
the place bright pink in post-divorce defiance and life continued unabated.
Dysfunction never quite caught us up although the challenges of shared parenting
did stick its huge foot out to trip us up from time to time. Relations with my
ex would have tested Kofi Annan’s diplomacy, warfare broke out on an almost
hourly basis, frustrated by the fact it was predominantly by text when really a
grenade would have been our preferred choice.
As much as possible we kept our bickering away from the kids, to such an
extent that the superficial courtesy we exercised in front of them actually
became the norm and quite genuine, and ex relations are now bordering very
dangerously on being amicable. I like to retain a sense of very healthy
scepticism on this front.
It’s now an amazing 7 years since I gained
my sackcloth and I’ve got to say I’m wearing it well. The intervening years
have seen me pursue dreams that I’d never have attempted otherwise. They’ve
seen a whole new career path as well as the creation of a fun, new social
circle of friends who share / endure and indeed enjoy the single parent
challenges. They’ve seen a rediscovery of who I actually am. Best of all, they’ve seen my children blossom
and grow in a household devoid of animosity and arguments (conveniently
skipping past the sibling rivalry). I
can honestly say I love our life and can’t actually imagine it any other way,
despite the occasional attempts from well meaning friends to try and stop it in
its tracks by introducing me to potential but totally unsuitable Mr
Rights. Through my work with single
parents I’ve met families of whom I’m in awe at the challenges they’ve faced,
and yet who’ve taken it all in their stride, providing the happy home they
sought for their children. Vicky Pollard has up to date eluded me, if indeed
she really does exist.
Single parenting is rarely short of a
challenge, but then no parenting comes with an ‘Easy-as-1-2-3” guide. For me
it’s a world away from tiptoeing around an unhappy home, wondering what mood’s
coming next, with children using the situation to play off one parent against
another. I have nothing but sympathy for
people trapped in those circumstances who mistakenly believe it’s better to
limp along in marital unhappiness as long as they’re together for the children
– the children are likely to be as unhappy with the situation as they are. 7 years on the words ‘single parent’ are no
longer whispered in these parts, but shouted loud and proud from the roof
tops….
Read other unsung heroes' Single Mums' Stories HERE.
Read other unsung heroes' Single Mums' Stories HERE.
