'Unsung Heroes' - Single Mums' Story 12.

I am very pleased to introduce Chrissie Lewandowski for today's Single Mums' Story, the next in our series.  She is co-founder of www.SingleWithKids.co.uk, who provide classy holidays and events for single parents, plus on-line and off-line support, trying to spread the word that life doesn’t end with divorce. 

As we become increasingly further away from the feckless teenager persona of the single parent, Chrissie shares with us how she sees things - that their median age is 36, more work than don't and that most have had their children within a steady relationship, rather than just as a currency for a council house and how, unfortunately, this doesn't make headlines, just unsung heroes.

 She's 45, mum to two girls, 11 and 12, and says she is rapidly learning the Joys of the Pre-Teen.  Her career has been spent in Marketing.  She has a host of degrees and post graduate certificates in subjects long since forgotten and had a passionate and rather odd affair with All Things German which provided no help whatsoever when giving up her career to pursue her dream of self employment: 




Chrissie Lewandowski, 45.
 

 

The raised eyebrows said it all. I’d just proudly mentioned to a fellow conference delegate that the very entertaining speaker had actually holidayed  with ‘Single With Kids’ and his disbelief was hard to hide. Yes, the speaker is a single parent, and yes, single parents can be intelligent, funny, professional and extremely talented.  Unfortunately the UK media has been extremely successful in building a stereotype from which we struggle to escape – ask anyone to personify the words ‘single parent’ and I’d bet my daughter’s JLS poster collection that Vicky Pollard would be top of the list. Our after dinner  speaker ticked none of these boxes – a middle aged, successful journalist & film director just doesn’t tie into the gutter press’s image of those parents who are single-handedly responsible for all of society’s ills.

Single parent stigma is something we come up against constantly, I've lost count of the number of times we've had to explain our club before we could secure a booking with suppliers. One campsite claimed they "don't take groups like yours", another told us they'd be checking the parents' ID at the bar.  Given the fact our parents are predominantly middle aged, they'd be delighted to be asked for ID!  A lady at Center Parcs snottily claimed "Single parents? Ooh, we are probably too expensive for you"   Really? Given the fact our members include doctors, lawyers, an OBE actress, nurses and teachers, I thought that was a rather sweeping statement, as well as being totally off the mark as we have families who have decided against Center Parcs in favour of all inclusive 5 star Med resorts.   Strangely enough, we find single parents themselves are influenced by the stigma too, we have a number of emails asking "what kind of people?" come on our breaks!

The first year I split with my husband, I would find myself almost whispering the words ‘single parent’ as if I was admitting to being a Chesney Hawkes’ fan.  It couldn’t have been much worse if the divorce courts had given me sackcloth to wear and a bell to ring – the words signalled my (apparent) abject failure in life, and the fact I was  to tar my children to a life of dysfunction and accordingly to the latest single-parent-bashing report, roly-poly waistlines too. Like most, single parentdom wasn’t on my list of “Things-to-do-before-you’re-40”.  In fact I’d never really given it a second thought until it hit me like a slow moving steam train, when after a 10 year relationship we both had to admit our marriage was making us all downright miserable.  For increased dramatic effect this happened to be the very same month I walked out of a job, slamming the door behind me just a little too vigorously for my bank manager’s liking – I was out on a limb in all senses of the word.  May as well be hung for sheep as for a lamb so the saying goes and here I was aiming for a full flock of them.   I never did shy away from a challenge. Fortunately another job was waiting in the wings, and the ex was replaced by a Spaniel – a good swap on all sides. Bo Peep could sleep soundly.

The first year of separation was an emotional  smorgasbord , topped  by the fact many of our former married friends didn’t quite know to handle our new circumstances….so didn’t. Neither of us saw them for the dust cloud they left behind. My ex moved out of the family home, the Spaniel pup moved in (and ate an awful lot less), I painted the place bright pink in post-divorce defiance and life continued unabated. Dysfunction never quite caught us up although the challenges of shared parenting did stick its huge foot out to trip us up from time to time. Relations with my ex would have tested Kofi Annan’s diplomacy, warfare broke out on an almost hourly basis, frustrated by the fact it was predominantly by text when really a grenade would have been our preferred choice.  As much as possible we kept our bickering away from the kids, to such an extent that the superficial courtesy we exercised in front of them actually became the norm and quite genuine, and ex relations are now bordering very dangerously on being amicable. I like to retain a sense of very healthy scepticism on this front.

It’s now an amazing 7 years since I gained my sackcloth and I’ve got to say I’m wearing it well. The intervening years have seen me pursue dreams that I’d never have attempted otherwise. They’ve seen a whole new career path as well as the creation of a fun, new social circle of friends who share / endure and indeed enjoy the single parent challenges. They’ve seen a rediscovery of who I actually am.  Best of all, they’ve seen my children blossom and grow in a household devoid of animosity and arguments (conveniently skipping past the sibling rivalry).  I can honestly say I love our life and can’t actually imagine it any other way, despite the occasional attempts from well meaning friends to try and stop it in its tracks by introducing me to potential but totally unsuitable Mr Rights.  Through my work with single parents I’ve met families of whom I’m in awe at the challenges they’ve faced, and yet who’ve taken it all in their stride, providing the happy home they sought for their children. Vicky Pollard has up to date eluded me, if indeed she really does exist.

Single parenting is rarely short of a challenge, but then no parenting comes with an ‘Easy-as-1-2-3” guide. For me it’s a world away from tiptoeing around an unhappy home, wondering what mood’s coming next, with children using the situation to play off one parent against another.  I have nothing but sympathy for people trapped in those circumstances who mistakenly believe it’s better to limp along in marital unhappiness as long as they’re together for the children – the children are likely to be as unhappy with the situation as they are.   7 years on the words ‘single parent’ are no longer whispered in these parts, but shouted loud and proud from the roof tops….



Read other unsung heroes' Single Mums' Stories HERE.

Single Mums' Story - Elaine (Mortgage Free in Three) Colliar.

Here is the next in the second series of our marvellous Single Mum's Stories. It's great to have a new audience with us this time around, as well as our maintaining our current one.  We're spreading further afield all the time and it is intriguing to see what happens next.

This one is from five times World Mind Mapping Champion, Elaine Colliar.  She is 43, has two children who are 12 and four and has been blogging for just over a year at Mortgage Free in Three, her aim being to become exactly that - mortgage free in three years, but in a gentle and sustainable way.

This mission was inspired by events in 2009, when her family was smashed flat by the credit crunch and she was left with no partner, no business, repossession papers on her home and literally "71p and three nappies" to her name and the bank froze all related accounts without notice.  She says she scraped herself out of the gutter and chose 'revenge' on the banks, managing to pay off £10 000 in 22 months, half of which time whilst living on basic state benefits.

She now focuses on bootstrapping several self-employed revenue streams to claw back the financial future for her children that disappeared overnight and is a great believer that as long as you are in motion you will eventually hit your target!

She likes to have fun and to write about the little things that can make a big impact.

 

 

Elaine (Mortgage Free in Three) Colliar, 43.

Yup – another “scummy single Mum here” – actually it’s worse than that, I have two kids ……………… so does that make me a “scummy double Mummy”????

I mean I am nothing like the “perceived stereotype” but I still often feel the effects of being tarred with the same massively wide brush by the mainstream media (male AND recently female journalists BTW) ;-)  MUMSNET anyone????

OMG – you gotta love the Media brainwashing that we all allow ourselves to be sucked into don’t you?

 

I’m in the business of “growing men” not “raising boys” – trust me there is a very important distinction here.  Actually come to think of it – if a certain Mum and Dad one generation back had “grown a man” instead of “raising a boy” then I wouldn’t be in the position of having to do the whole “being responsible for our kids all on my own” malarkey.

Not that I am bitter – because in reality what I have discovered during the last few years is that this is actually quite a lot easier on my own.  As I look at it, I have just two kids to care for now and not three.(Tongue firmly in cheek here)

Now the “conservatives” amongst you (that’s small c BTW) will be throwing up your hands at horror at such blasphemy.  “Because kids need both parents” ……………… well the latest research from Gingerbread doesn’t bear out your claim I’m afraid.

“Parental separation by itself is not considered predictive of a poor outcome in children”

So – a “Get out of Jail Free Card” then???  Well afraid not – you see they also balance this out with:

“…… the resulting single parent status often leads to financial hardships.  That resulting poverty may be a significant factor in explaining poorer child outcomes rather than family structure”

HOLY CRAPOLA!!!!! Bring on the guilt trip.  It’s not the fact that I am a single parent that is going to blight my kids lives …………… it’s the fact that we are poor!!!  WE ARE DOOMED!!!

Funny thing is my kids don’t think we are poor ………….. (because I have never told them LOL).  In reality we live on a smidge over £800 per month, it’s tight, but doable at a pinch and every month I manage to not only pay my mortgage but overpay on the capital too.

How? Well I am super organized (lists anyone) and sure I do the “Frugal Stuff” too – I can menu plan, build a store cupboard and feed a visiting hoard with three lentils and a great slow-cooker recipe LOL.  In reality the reason we don’t “feel poor” is that we never act it.  Instead my boys and I are on a mission to not only survive as a smaller family unit but to thrive.  Our Big Bad Goal is to pay off our £126000 mortgage by Christmas Eve 2014 ………………. And we celebrate every mini milestone achieved.

Now sure, the toddler doesn’t really “get” the whole money thing, but my 12 year old does.  Money has to be earned and then EITHER spent or invested for your future.  Every penny that we have beyond paying for our necessities if ours to make a decision with …………. And we are choosing eventual Financial Freedom.

So do I have a “job” – well not in the “traditional sense” ………….. you see I live in a rural area in Scotland and if I were to get a local job it would be at minimum wage and most of that money would disappear in paying for suitable childcare……………. So instead I have chosen the much more precarious route of being self employed.

I do lots of things, I tutor local kids, I write training books,  I create Mind Maps for professional organisations, I  create online courses, I speak at conferences, I work at memory competitions ……………………. But everything I now do I have learned since being on my own with the kids. If I think I can earn some money I roll up my sleeves, acquire the skills and get stuck in. Slowly and surely this strategy is beginning to pay off……. And every penny earned goes into the mortgage account.

From 12 kids tutored last year (all whom got straight A’s BTW) I have been able to design a new course delivered via online video ……………. In response to parents wanting me to work with their kids, but me being ,naturally, unable to leave my kids at the weekend to do so……. Create the solution that gives you the best economic leverage – see?

I have a new book, not only written but ready to be launched on Amazon Kindle.  Not bad for a dyslexic single Mum – eh? (when is someone going to invent the sarcasm font???)

But more importantly I have two boys who are seeing the power of dreaming a big dream and then getting busy with the work needed to achieve the end goal ………………. “poor” is a state of mind too and I refuse to get sucked into playing that game.

Together as a family our life is about abundance, about creative solutions, about setting and achieving our goals at school, at work and as a unit.

And that “Mainstream Media” take note is a looooooong way from the Vikki Pollard stereotype.  As my 12 year old pointed out this week – Barak Obama came from a single parent family …… and he hasn’t done too bad for himself has he??? LOL

Let’s raise our glasses to our great kids and the important lessons we can share with them in the years to come………………… after all its not ”All about the Money, money, money!!”

CHECK OUT MORE FINE SINGLE MUMS' STORIES FROM TOP BLOGGERS AND OTHERS HERE.