27 May 2013

Happy Birthday My Darling Son!

Dear R,



A mother couldn't ask for more...


Today, you turned eight.  I wish you could feel how much I love you.  You've made me so proud, been so kind and so good, in the face of all your father has put us through.

I know I've been harder on you than I'll ever be on your brother, because, I'm afraid, my darling son, that is often the fate of the eldest and, if it were possible, I would take it all back, but it isn't and that breaks my heart.  All I hope is that, somehow, you'll forgive me as I endeavour to make it up to you.

In the blink of an eye, you will be sixteen.  I thought about this - how long it would seem if we were to double how long you've been here - and it seems so quick, it's almost a crime and, oh, how yearning to turn that clock back isn't helpful.

We can choose to learn from regrets,  however, and, after eight years, the learning continues.  You certainly keep me on my toes, for you are forever changing!

We still call you 'Puppy' sometimes - a name you chose when you were three, that sticks because you want it to.  I am amazed you still want your Winnie the Pooh bedroom, whilst devouring your Harry Potter books and singing and dancing along ('Gangnam Style') to your 'Now That's What I Call Music' cds, but am thrilled too, because the longer you are little, the more you are mine, not yet shunning your mum because that's the cool thing to do be doing.

You're secretly still very small and I remember that crushing moment you no longer needed me to push you on our swing.  Suddenly, that time was over and I never would have almost always insisted on hanging out the washing first, if I'd realised that it would come, but it did and it has now passed.

You don't think about these things when you're a parent for the first time and getting through the day is about all you can manage.  Again, your brother benefits and I feel bad about that too.

But it's your Birthday, time to feel good, to celebrate you and all you are - handsome, articulate, healthy, a fast runner, a gifted cricketer and, as from yesterday too - your chosen activity for your special day, you acquired your double blue Karate belt, which leaves you a mere three from a black one!  A mother couldn't ask for more from her son.

You're sensitive, considerate and intelligent. You're insightful and generous and have inherited your mums Healing Hands!  You will go far, my darling. You're lovely, not really 'the quiet one' as we first thought, but truly quite chatty, plus a great joke teller and every minute with you has been an honour and a pleasure.

I'm sorry for every single second that I've let that escape me during your eight years, because of other pressing matters, when, honestly, nothing is actually more important than you.

I hope you can feel how much I love you.

Happy Birthday, my darling son.

Mummy, xxxxxxxx.

26 comments:

  1. Aww Happy Birthday to your lovely boy and happy 8 years of being a mum to you too'!! :)

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    1. Thank you Tas, 'tis indeed for both!

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  2. Happy Birthday R! I remember making a cast of your mummy's bump :-)

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    1. Oh Hello Nickie. Thank you for that! I still have that cast and treasure it, not least because it reminds me of you, too xx

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  3. oh my gosh Anya, am literally weeping reading this! A truly beautiful post and a gentle reminder to me to cherish every moment xx

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    1. Oh dear, Sarah - didn't mean for that to happen - I wept the entire way through it - just came out of nowhere / somewhere under all the madness. I'm glad you see it that way and hope you can learn to, indeed, cherish it all. Thank you for such a lovely comment xxx

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  4. "I hope you can feel how much I love you"

    What a beautiful post. Straight from the heart. Loving and thought provoking all at once.

    Happy birthday to your lovely son...a special day for you both. xxx

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    1. I think it gets lost underneath the coping with the every day reality of being a single mum with two kids and at least two foreign language students! It was good to remind myself of my priorities, but that just sort of happened as I wrote it out :)

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  5. I can feel it. Happy Birthday xxx

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    1. So glad, thank you for both of those :)

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  6. What a properly gorgeous post, you can tell it comes right from the heart. Just lovely, and I can guarantee you he feels it. xx

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    1. Thank you Ruth. It's been so hard .... I hope so :)

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  7. Happy Birthday, lovely post, he sounds like a great kid x

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  8. Happy happy birthday to your gorgeous boy. That was such a heartfelt post, really, really sincere and honest. I have had the pleasure to meet him, and he is really lovely. So considerate of other, I will never forget how he looked after Little A that time we visited. You are very lucky to have each other and although it can be a tough one for the first born (so am I), you have been the best mum you could be at any given moment (never forget that). As mums we are way too hard on ourselves. XXX

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    1. Thank you, thank you, thank you xxx :)

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  9. This is lovely and well timed for me. I've had horns locked with the 11 year old for days. I forget he's actually lovely (if temporarily a pain).

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    1. Thank you. You know the pain of divorce and how it can leave its mark, but with three boys, you certainly have your work cut out and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to remind yourself how little and lovely they are when they're seemingly not! :)

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  10. That is the loveliest post! Happy birthday to your beautiful son who looks so much like you. Just like my latest post says - you always need your mummy!

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    1. Thank you - I should remind myself more often how lovely he is and, as I said, re your latest post with your kids almost grown up, that thought fills me with dread but happiness too! :)

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  11. They grow up very fast. My oldest will be 24 in July and I honestly have no idea where the time has gone!

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    1. I can't believe that's only three times these last eight years and that's way too fast. *holds him even tighter* Thank you Catherine :)

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  12. Aww this is just lovely. Made me well up and I can relate so much to how you're feeling. They grow up TOO fast xxx

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  13. Ah what a lovely post, that's really made me think! They are growing up so fast, I've probably only got 1 more year of my eldest at home before he goes away to Uni (that is if he wakes up long enough to actually revise for his A levels.....)

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