14 June 2013

Come September...

 Source: afearlessriot.tumblr.com

'But come September....'

These are words emanating from my mouth pretty regularly lately.  They are filled with fatigue, hope and longing, accompanied by echoes of my heart breaking just a tiny bit too.

I feel guilty about the relief that my second - and last - child starting school might bring, but I want to hold on to him simultaneously, to these precious moments while he is still little, because, all too soon, he will be bigger, like his brother.

It's four years since the eldest first started, about which I wrote in my diaries - 'It was a profound and moving time and having counted down our last days as things were, I would hold him close to me, sobbing behind his back, so, so, sorry for every moment he had been shouted at or moaned to.  We would all miss each other.  Things would never be the same.' 

But relief soon took over.  Those days became normal much more quickly than it would have been possible for a first time mum to envisage.  Sobbing aroung the local supermarket didn't last that long *cough.*

There was a baby in tow, and, being a single parent, there was plenty to keep me occupied.  Daily pick up would appear swiftly enough.

By the time this September comes, I hope to be able to work, to spend more time on Social Media - ideally, perhaps, to purposefully combine the two, to write for longer stretches, give more attention to books that were begun years ago, and, dare I say it, to be free.

Yet, the heart yearns to be mum again, even though it exhausts me entirely, to be pulled to those baby, toddler, crawling, dawdling days, to be needed, to switch my brain off, but its call is larger, louder, heartfelt even, too.

Many women have longer stretches than I - take Mammasaurus - she is saying good-bye to her having kids at home days after twenty years, eight children down the road!  For some it is their first and last (only) child starting school this year - the mixed emotions must be unbearable.  Mine are but mild in comparison.  I know I will miss my young one.  And I won't.  Nursery prepares us as well as them!  

He is not leaving home (let's not even go THERE), he will just be out a few hours longer and things will be easier. 

My heart will ache, but my soul sing, perhaps, my songs and try to remember the person underneath the eight years of squabbles and battles and domestic drudgery and Cbeebies and jigsaws, football and cricket, catching and colouring, painting and play dough.

He will be happy.  And yet, but yet... if it were possible to choose to keep our little ones at home....
would you?  Could you?  I've a funny feeling it's less scary.

Are you saying 'Come September,' too?  How does it make you feel?

30 comments:

  1. There's quite a few of us saying good bye come Septemeber and I'm filled with mixed emotions ... sad he's going... excited for him to be starting a new adventure and a selfish 'yes! time to myself!' too.

    We'll have to help each othhr through it x

    (and thank you for the mention !)

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    1. Mixed emotions indeed - helping each other through them sounds good. And it's my pleasure - 20 years of kids .... Aaaagh;)

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  2. Z starts school in September too. I am excited for him but part of me is not ready for him to grow up yet. He is still my baby, my only baby and I feel like I will lose a part of him when he starts school. Saying that, in a funny way, because of my own recent life choices, I will probably be able to spend more time with him come September. And that can only be a good thing x

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    1. It's interesting you feel like you will lose a part of him - I feel like I will lose a part of me. So glad you'll get more time together - he's adorable :)

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  3. Sweetheart, it's a wonderful liberation when the second one goes. It's secondary school I'm dreading, when I won't have to do the school runs or the school gate chat and will see no point to myself!

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    1. You're so kind Anna, thank you. I'd never thought of that re the secondary school- makes me more determined to make the most of these few years left then. And you are one of the world's nicest ladies so there will always be many points to you - honestly! :)

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  4. This week, because of my broken toe, another mother met my 4yo downstairs and brought her back to our lobby again in the afternoon. Even though she has been in day care since 19 months, this was the first time I had said goodbye to her at the door and then had her knock on the door to be let in again at 3.30. It was weird but I felt so proud of her and she was so proud of herself. Maybe I'm strange but I love it when we move onto each new stage of development. Maybe it's because I'm an older mother, who knows.

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    1. I'm sorry to see you've a broken toe and am glad you're enjoying this latest stage of development, as is 4yo. I think it's because I'm an older mother it works the other way for me, so we need new theories!

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  5. My oldest starts school in September. I do find it hard being at home with two little ones, but I'm really going to miss him. I'm also going to miss the relaxed routine that we have now, everything is going to change. I'm already dreading when my youngest starts in a couple of years, I'm going to find it a very emotional time.

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    1. Good luck in September Jenny. These years are physically demanding, but they're the easiest. Not that you can believe it right now, but as they get bigger, so do their issues! We'll help each other through it, like Annie says :)

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  6. There's no way I'd be a SAHM, it would drive me insane. I did it for a year when my eldest was 2 and we were in the US so I couldn't work and it was okay but I was glad to get back home, and back to work, and he (eventually) was happy to go to maternelle. It took him about 10 days to get used to it, then there was no stopping him.

    Onwards and upwards.

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    1. Insanity rules in our house Sarah. My son loves his school now and will love his full time one too. You are SO right though - it will be my new mantra - Onwards and Upwards, thank you :)

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  7. Your post struck a chord... When my eldest daughter chose to go and live with her father two years ago it was very difficult to accept. Blogging about it did help. Now we have found a new balance and it has strenghtened our relationship.
    You do have to let them go, mixed feelings and all... xx

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    1. Thank you - you're right - my letting go will be easier than yours :) I'm glad your relationship is working :) xx

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  8. Your right about the daily pick up. It used to seem like I'd only just got home and I was straight back out to collect them. That, I must admit, does have something to do with social media which sucks up time.
    I must say my second going to school was made easy by the fact that she was desperate to go. If she was ready I felt I should be too. That didn't stop me bawling a bit though. xx

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    1. You're right too Michelle - the time will fly and I'll wonder what the fuss was about. Being my second, he is also ready but it won't stop me bawling either. :)

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  9. Looking back over my 21 years (gasp) of experience with kids, I can honestly say that each stage was not better or worse, just different and we all adapted fairly quickly. I missed both my kids like mad when they started school but it was great to hear their stories at the end of the day, see them making new friends and generally blossoming. And don't for a minute imagine that you'll be somehow redundant as a mother....they're still hanging round my neck all these years later (see my recent post on why you always need your mummy!!)

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    1. That's all good to know - I think it's redundancy I'm feeling, you're right. Your post sums it up perfectly!

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  10. I have two years left of a little one at home, but by then my eldest will have been at University for a year. I think knowing without a doubt that Syd is my last will make his going to school a bittersweet time. At the moment, while he is 22 months old and still breastfeeding it seems an unimaginable thing, that I know too well will be here in a blink of an eye, however hard I try to hold onto each precious moment.

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    1. Gosh - another really long stretch of having kids at home. The word 'bittersweet' sums it up perfectly. How lovely to still be breastfeeding at 22 months and holding on to that extra special time. All those precious moments stack up and you know more than most how quickly the time goes - best of British with it all :)

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  11. This is on my mind at the moment...

    My son will be going to school in September. He's the youngest of three with a gap of 17 years. He's the child I didn't see myself having but he is the last. It's a situation where I try to treasure every single moment with him but my son has behavioural problems (he's being assessed for autism) Sadly, there are moments in every day where I can't wait for him to go to school. Thankfully, there are always moments where I'm bowled over by his love and I can't imagine being without him. I will probably spend my days worrying about how he is coping with school life. He's been my life for the past 4 years (here come the tears) Wish I was stronger, sometimes...

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    1. I think we all find our youngsters overwhelming sometimes - and you must more than most in a less straightforward situation. Being a single mum, I understand exactly what you mean about him being your life for the past 4 years and the tears and the wishing to be stronger. They'll be fine and we probably will be too!

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  12. Lovely post and thinking of you-it really is bitter sweet in that you will miss your baby but will also free up so much time for you and you own endeavours.

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  13. Ah,thank you - loving your new site! Your time's a comin' tho. It'll be here before you know it ;)I'll be a shoulder for you then :)

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  14. It is a mixed bag isn't it? I am really excited for him and for me. I have always felt happy in the now with my kids. But I've been hit my some funny undercurrents of change I didn't expect. Lovely post x

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    1. That is perfectly put too - mixed blessings I suppose! I've been taken by surprise too :)

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  15. I have very mixed emotions about September. My oldest is starting 6th form, and for the first time since he was 11 there will be girls in his lessons! My youngest goes up to reception and this is so hard. We have just found out that his current one-to-one didn't get the job at the school for when he goes up. So there's the welcome break from him (which feels absolutely awful to say) but that absolute fear that he just will not cope, and will so badly regress. But least he has full-support.

    Hope September goes well for you.

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    1. Oh Joy I hope September goes well for you too. What a pity his current one-to-one didn't get that job. It simply defies logic and I understand your concern - tempered with the welcome relief too. Cripes. And then the oldest is becoming a man ..... Good luck with that one!

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  16. It's such a big change for all of you, bitter sweet as one commentator says above, but once you get into the swing of things, you will love it! You will have much more time for you which I know is sorely needed in your life right now . XXX

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    1. I'm hoping it won't be too drastic a change - just longer hours to do more - but I will miss his sunny nature around me all the time. :)

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