Janet Jackson (reportedly) Pregnant at 49 and Other Stuff.

Last week I was asked to write an article for Newsweek (no less!).  It was about 'Older Mum' stuff in response to word on the street about Janet Jackson expecting a baby at age 49.  This hasn't yet been confirmed but it hasn't been denied either, as the reporter pointed out in earnest as I tried to glean as much information as possible before rushing off something straight after work before the kids were whining for their tea.  The result is below.

I was rather proud they hardly edited a word, which kind of counteracted the lack of a fee and it really would be living the dream if, indeed, I had the nous to successfully manage both.

Gingerbread also asked me to write a piece for them - ('inspiring Single Parent stuff') which I called The Dark before the Dawn and BritMums recently hosted a piece I wrote about Blogging stuff -'Ploughing Your Own Furrow.'

So, it's not for lack of trying or completely out of the question, is it?  But it's yet to happen!

Someone who has always believed in me, however is the the lovely Izzie Anderton and I feel awful for not being around very much and to have let her down on the countless times she's tagged me on a variety of interesting posts, so I made a point of taking up the honour of being featured in her Blog Spot Interview' last week, which was great fun and I wanted to show my appreciation of her support for my 'stuff' over the years.

Anyway, back to the present point, I know some people who haven't lost hope of having a baby (or two) in their forties and although it's not ideal and people judge their motives, we don't really live in an ideal world.  More by luck than anything else, I was fortunate enough to manage it and this is what I had to say on the matter:-

So rumours are rife about Janet Jackson having a baby about a fortnight before her fiftieth birthday.  

How very dare she!

But when is the ideal time to do so?

Mine were born when I was 41 and 45, naturally conceived within a (woeful) marriage and oh, how I regret all that energy expended on a treadmill in my twenties and globe-trotting travelling in my thirties.

(O.K.  Not so much the latter.). 

The truth is that behind every mum of a certain age, there is a history of heartbreak.  Rarely is it intentional to have a baby just as we’re hitting the menopause and, believe you me, the two combined is not as nature intended.

Does that mean we shouldn’t do it, given the opportunity?

Not necessarily, no.

Does it mean we will be more tired?  Probably.

Does that make it illegal or immoral?  Nope.

What if we’ve yearned for children all our adult lives?  Does that make us wrong?

Perhaps we’re more grateful than those who are thrust into parenthood at an early age.  Perhaps we’ve plenty to offer the little tykes who turn up at an age that other people disapprove of.

Perhaps it’s a massive mistake.  Perhaps we should adopt one of the unwanted or unfortunate. 

Perhaps not.

They say ‘Man plans and Gods laughs.’  So it seems for women.

And if you’re clever and work hard, before you know it, you’ll be labelled a ‘Career Girl’ and everyone will assume you don’t want children, you’ve made a choice. 

Perhaps not, again.

I, for one, turned down opportunities to have babies with reprobates when I was younger.  As a child of a single mother with a decidedly ropey relationship with my father I didn’t fancy going it alone, didn’t think I could offer the best possible upbringing for my children, didn’t think it was fair on them.

And the irony?  Even at the ripe old age I am, decades later, I am doing it alone anyhow, stressed out of my skull trying to make ends meet, bringing up two beautiful, bright boys, acutely aware it’s not the best upbringing or fair on them.

They excel at school though.  Why?  

Perhaps being an older parent has its advantages.  Perhaps I appreciate the value of an education more than those half my age.

They are fit and healthy despite me being comparatively ancient when they came along.  Why?

They were the product of two perfectly good labours and births without complications or stitches, because I was old enough to trust my instincts, to see an Osteopath and an Acupuncturist all the way through my pregnancies so that my babies and I would be in the optimum possible place for when the time came and old enough to ignore the little whippersnapper nurses in the ward who thought they knew better, yet hadn’t ever gone through it themselves.

Grrrrr.

With age comes confidence.

Not confidence in men, though.  That‘s something else.  I still have terrible taste in them.

Perhaps, now, Janet Jackson is in a confident place.  She’s enjoying her third marriage with a much younger husband.  Perhaps it’s the right thing for them.

Could she have offered a child a better life when she was younger?

Perhaps she needed time to find herself, having grown up as part of one of the most famous families in the world. 

Perhaps now is the best time for her to devote her real self to motherhood, because, ultimately, if you’re going to bring a child into the world, the best gift you could ever give them is themselves too. 

Some of us take longer to get there than others, that’s all.

I wish her the very best of British.

She’ll very likely need it! 

Janet Jackson allegedly pregnant at 49.  Image from Newsweek / Getty. 

The Truth about Being an Older Mum.

Channel 5 rang me recently - would I like to comment on whatever-it-was-in-the-news-that-day slating becoming an 'older mum?'  They'd like to send a film crew round about 4pm.

'Sure,' I said.  'But don't you want to know what I'm going to say first....?'

The researcher stopped in her tracks and, as is usually the case, sounded about school age.  She'd thought her work was done, she'd got herself a nice easy little coup and all that was needed now was my address.  But having wasted my time on more than one occasion prior to the possibility of this one, I pressed her.  She tutted and sighed, put on her best patronising, begrudging and 'suppose so' voice, but eventually acquiesced to hearing my opinion, which was words to roughly this effect:

'Behind every first-time older mum is a history of heartbreak, that rarely does anyone set out to have their babies at such a late age as I did (41 and 45), that I wouldn't recommend waiting until early forties, or even late thirties to have children, that I and those of my friends who have had children 'older' without exception wish we'd had them when we were younger, that we all agree we might even have had more and regret running out of time, that we seem to struggle to a greater degree with the broken nights than our younger counterparts do, wishing we'd not trotted out tonnes of miles on treadmills in our twenties.  We can't distinguish between what's peri-menopausal and natural parental exhaustion exacerbated by tantrumming toddlers.  There were no medical complications whatsoever with either of my pregnancies and my miscarriages were more to do with other matters.'

This threw the whippersnapper rather and, within half an hour, the predictable call came - that the film crew was suddenly unavailable.

Funny, that.

It seems I was supposed to bang the drum for older mums.  They had presumed that I would want to wax lyrical about how great it is to be one.  

It is great to be an older mum but only because it's great to be a mum at all.  I'm not against it in principle - I am one - but would I personally advocate planning to be one?  The truth is that, no, I would not.

It's great to be an older mum because it's great to be a mum at all.

Those of us who came to motherhood late feel very, very lucky.  We suffer more separation anxiety than our children ever have or will.  We are definitely more clingy, more likely to spoil our children and we worry.

We worry that we will never live to see our grandchildren.  We worry that we won't be able to get up from the floor when playing trains / cars / Lego.  And we worry when we fail to locate our age-related reading glasses in time for a bedtime story or, more crucially, in order to be able to see properly to cut our kids' toenails - because we *might* have learned that when we try to wing it without our specs, we *might* accidentally stab the eldest's big toe, then with one hand nursing his foot and the other yanking loo roll to stem the blood, we *might* pull a bit too hard, elbowing him in the nose slapstick style and he *might* never forget, let alone forgive, us for also failing to stifle our laughter.

We also worry when we can no longer take them with us to watch whilst our Eyebrow Threader works on us because she's now all over our face and it doesn't do to alarm them like that. We worry about our by-now-acquired-penchant for decent wine and our indecent consumption of it.  And we worry when their three little words whilst we absorb their cuddles are 'You're going wrinkly!'

Although I treasure my travelling days and the life I lived before my children, would I trade it all in to, instead, gain what would be that extra twenty or so years with them?  The truth is that, yes, I would.

Something a teenage researcher organizing a stupid TV stunt could never comprehend.

What are your thoughts on first time older mums?

Thank you to all of you who voted me into the semi-finals of the Writers Category of the #BiB Awards.  You have given me a real lift.  If you'd like to see Older Single Mum in the finals, please find all the details for the next stage HERE!

The Truth Acccording to Women.

Ooh I do love a #Listography and Kate Takes 5 has come up with Top 5 Truths According to Women [of a Certain Age!].

Here are my five things I have learned by age 48:

1)  Know your limits.  You don't have to be everything to everybody. A rest won't kill you.

2)  Please yourself.  If you fancy flowers / jewellery / whatever, you don't need to rely on other people - get your own.

3)  Lower your expectations - it's expectations that hurt.  But that doesn't mean you have to drop your standards.

4)  Be true to yourself - it will pay off in the long run.  Even if you don't understand a certain feeling at a particular time, let it guide you and it will - one day - make sense. 

5)  Having children is the most important thing you'll ever do.  Find yourself a good man to settle down with earlier than is fashionable.  Ideally, have the little blighters while you've still got the energy you'd otherwise be burning at the gym, because once that's all gone (and, let's face it, you'll never get it back), you'll find yourself counting down the hours until bedtime from the moment you get up.  AND it's undoubtedly best to undertake this herculean task with someone you love and who loves you back unreservedly.

I think there's a book in the making with all the other words of wisdom on this particular Linky!

Daily Mail

Did you see that article in today's Mail?  'Is everything you thought about older mothers wrong?' 

Why don't they tell us something we don't know?

It's a bit like 'Is everything you thought about single mothers wrong?'  We all know the answer(s) to that as well.

What have I been trying to tell you?