10 June 2012

Unsophisticated Chaos and Madness.

There are many things people don't warn you about before you become a parent.  These things are like Secrets of State.


Stuff you simply wouldn't believe possible of yourself pre- children:


1)  How many sausages you'll end up eating, mainly because the children love them and you can't be bothered to cook anything different for everybody else.

2) Your tolerance level of Hell adjusts itself daily. Accordingly, it will be you who regularly and insistently drags the others to Indoor Play places, not vice versa.  They'll be sick of them, but there's nowhere else you can just sit on your behind and they can run themselves ragged without you turning a hair.   

3)  You discover that there is such a thing as six O'Clock on a Sunday morning - it's the children's favourite time of the week.  They save their lie-ins for schooldays.  It's a law.

4)  When someone comes hurtling at you with their lips pursed and their eyes crossed for a big fat kiss - as long as it's not the old bloke who mutters to himself round the local shops - you will be the one giggling helplessly and begging 'Again!'

5)  Sometimes, you really do contemplate just walking out of the house, leaving them behind to get on with - by all intents and purposes what seems to be - their business of trying to maim one another. 

6)  The only Champagne breakfasts you're brought nowadays are the 'pretend' ones your son brings you from his toy kitchen.

7)  Doing a jigsaw with your little ones can involve losing the will to live at least three times over.

8)  Despite the assertions of one of my favourite finds and great gift that is the Knackered Mothers' Wine Club blog, no matter how hard you try, there really isn't a glass of wine that feels right with baked beans (see no. 1).

My life has not remained anywhere near as sophisticated as I imagined it might. Has yours?


Those days are gone - in more ways than one!

28 comments:

  1. Oh how true this all is! I never imagined I would be someone capable of losing the will to live over a jigsaw puzzle. I surprise myself daily :-) Polly

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  2. Perfectly put, especially the jigsaws and kisses. Thanks so much for the lovely mention!

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    1. Cross-eyed kisses - not just for anyone you know!

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  3. Laughing at the indoor play place recollection. Totally true.

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  4. I'm with you on all of the above.
    No-one tells you that you'll be so exhausted you'll use YOUR OWN JUMPER to wipe your little one's nose (and just hope nobody notices the silver trails of dried snot on your sleeves).
    Or that, however many times you wash your hands after changing a particularly ripe nappy, you'll still smell of POO (your usual scent of choice was DKNY).
    Bleeeuuuurrrrghhh!

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  5. I have to confess to using my jumper only recently when I dared to venture on the school run without my usual palaver pack - completely with you too x

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  6. Replies
    1. It's such a relief that I am not alone with these things!

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  7. Brilliant post! Rang so true for me. I'm always eating up the left overs of Little A's tea ... and then I eat mine later .... I've put on so much weight. How about a light pinot grigiot with the beans? I'm terrible - I always read blog posts when Little A is having her meals. I then usually have food smeared all over my jeans by the end of the day .....

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    1. Actually, Knackered Mother came up with a few suggestions for left overs if you check out that post X

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  8. Absolutely no where near as sophisticated. In fact forgotton what the word means xx

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    1. Oh I think you still manage it pretty well! XX

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  9. Brilliant! As for sophistication, I left that just outside the delivery room door with the first....if I ever had any of course that is....

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    1. Comparatively, you're bound to have had!

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  10. Ah..the indoor play centres..the thought of it makes me lose the will to live. And why is the coffee provided in these establishments so rubbish too? Surely if a mother has to suffer it she deserves a well made cuppa!

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  11. We have one near us with windows that separate it from a bar and restaurant. it's a lifesaver. And others with only a vending machine. You're absolutely right!

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  12. Oh yes. Sausages are actually some of the more grown-up meals we all have these days. I keep telling myself 'this too will pass', actually it was beginning to when I made the tactical error of having another child!

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    1. It's like going to the loo alone - something we can all aspire to being able to do again one day!

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  13. Oh so true the further i got down the post the more i was laughing, i never find the play center relaxing mine seems to be the only child insistent that i play too no sitting down or coffee for me.

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  14. If you're really boring - they'll swfitly move on. I found it the best place to teach my children the words 'Mummy needs a rest!'

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  15. I still have many happy memories of when 6am on a Sunday morning meant, "right, where are we going to next?". It is funny when it comes full circle and becomes an early wake-up time rather than a late going to bed time!!! Great post, there's so many things that have come as massive news to me. Oh and on the wine front... try Jamie O's fish fingers rather than sausages, I'm pretty sure they'd go nicely with a nice crisp chablis.

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  16. I had really never considered it but now you mention it, baked beans and wine??? Maybe that is the answer to my inablility to cut down on wine!

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    1. Eating more baked beans? Are you mad? ;)

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  17. I think this list applies to many of us dads too... I always secretly pray that all of those parents that appear perfect on the outside (groomed, clean, without food/snot on their clothes, calm, on time...) are secretly dying on the inside from the pressure of it all!

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    1. One things's for certain - they're probably not the happiest!

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