1 December 2014

The Moment You Know Your Relationship is Over.

For quite some time I've been fancying a column somewhere, but don't really have the confidence to go shouting about it.  I've trusted that, in time, the shocking statistics and my credibility would come together, that the need for a voice to represent single parents fairly and responsibly would make itself known, that we'd shrug off this worn out cliche of who we are supposed to be and we'd finally be heard in our real light and right.

Six months after I first started blogging, netmums ran a week called Busting the Myths about single parents, which I was proud to spearhead and, indeed, they have always been a tremendous support to all parents, regardless of their status, so I asked if I could write some stuff for them and their response was that they would be honoured to have me!

My first piece is called 'The Moment You Know.'  It's about when we realise our relationship with our partner truly is over and there's no going back, how the breaking point is generally a long time coming and not always really obvious or cut and dried, but, for every separated parent out there, it will have come.  Several people have contributed to it.

As we approach Christmas, for too many families, some enforced togetherness will bring strained times to a head.  I wanted to explain why some of us just can't carry on sometimes, why we don't deserve judgment or pity, but credit for the courage it takes to make the break and how, when children are involved, none of us leaves until our conscience allows.

I would love to know your thoughts too and thank you all for your support!

Image courtesy of netmums.

13 comments:

  1. The moment for me came when I was working a full-time job, taking care of house and boys, plus doing work for my ex (taking appointments and doing the paperwork, unpaid, natch), and he told me I wasn't bringing in enough money, that I was a parasite, and should be doing translations during the night.

    Whatever shred of what I felt for him died a death at that moment never to return. And I haven't looked back since. :)

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    1. I'm so glad you haven't looked back Sarah and are still living a good life in France, even though it's him who took you there. He sounds awful - and Heaven only knows what came before that. I remember you said he was a Doctor and it's interesting you say whatever shred was left died, showing how it's often a slow death and the final straw. Thank you for commenting, as always x

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  2. It's a great post Anya and your thoughts as always are poignant as ever. I don't think anyone makes the decision lightly as it's not an easy path to tread. My only experience of separation was with a boyfriend (10 year's older) who lied to me. I decided that if he was capable of this, things weren't going to improve after we moved in together and I ended it. It wasn't easy as we'd been together for a long time but I did know it was the right decision.

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    1. I'm so sorry you had to go through that Izzie and I think it's impossible to get past any lying because it's impossible to trust anything they say afterwards. I am glad you had the courage and strength to get out and that you have a lovely life with your longtime hubby and daughters (when they're there) now. Thanks for commenting, too, as always xx

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  3. For me it has happened twice and both times it was a long time coming, I put up with a lot and yes I got to breaking point where I just couldn't take any more. Each time I think I am in a stable supportive relationship over time it seems more and more obvious that they aren't as supportive as they set out being in the first place and really even though my husband works and we have had the discussion about him doing more several times which happens for a couple of weeks before it slips back into him not helping an ounce. Each time I tell myself I love him and I should give him more time I think I lose a little bit more of me and a sense of what a supportive relationship should be. I think I would be better off on my own but building the confidence to go through with it is a massive issue for me especially with 4 children to think of. I agree with all that you say and for me the time between making the decision and knowing its the right thing to do to actually doing it seems like forever and I always make excuses to myself why I should stay but I know none of them are the right reasons. I think knowing what lies ahead makes the decision much harder too

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    1. Oh Lucy I'm so sorry you're going through this and I completely understand how much you'd lose of yourself if you were on your own with four children too! No-one could blame you for hanging in there and still trying to make the best of your circumstances. I guess your 'moment' hasn't yet come and it might not ever reach that point. The lesser of two evils will always win and at the moment, I guess that's where you're at. I truly hope though, that you will be heard and can take strength and confidence from what has been written and work out a way to get what you deserve from your partner. Much love to you xx

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    2. Thanks Anya, yes everything you say makes perfect sense. I find it hard to organise my mind sometimes but you have got it spot on and although I see it as just putting up with it, I guess it is the lesser of two evils and subconsciously that is why I am where I am :) xx

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  4. I totally agree. My boyfriend and I recently broke up but it was a long time coming and I think we were putting off having 'the conversation' because of my four year old daughter who sees him as her dad. And yes there does seem to be a bit of stigma surrounding single parents. I think showing support instead of judgement is always so much more helpful :)
    Alex | Blog | Art Blog

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    1. Thank you Alex. I'm sorry to see you've gone through such a split and yes, a bit of moral support goes a long way. :)

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  5. Well done on getting the gig at Netmums - very much deserved...... you are a very strong voice in single parenting. I read the article - it's very, very good. X

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    1. Thank you Sarah. I have little time for anything else!

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  6. Great news about your Netmums column - and echoing the words of Older Mum, great article.
    Sorry I haven't commented much, I have been reading on my phone - but find it almost impossible to comment on it! Hopefully in 2015 I'll have more time to get back into the blogging - I do miss it. x

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    1. Thank you and please don't worry - I find the same with people I am loyal to too! Am very much looking forward to catching up with your news next year then :)

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