Divorce and a Reduced Credit Rating.

Some of you will know that I used to work in the money markets and might understand why the news of the UKs reduced credit rating as part of its 'Divorce' from the EU will have hit hard, but it didn't take me long to appreciate the irony.  It's no different to a real life one!

So I wrote this: 

Image credit: www.independent.co.uk

Oh the perils of Divorce.  No –one tells you what’s coming, how the ramifications will spread farther than you can possibly imagine and how it will all get worse before it gets better.

You find yourself on rocky territory, really quite isolated, where you challenge yourself on the level of dissatisfaction of your marriage and whether its disintegration was really worth all this uncertainty and fear. 

Those that have been there tell you it will be worth it, but it is a journey as yet unchartered and it’s something you simply have to undertake once the decision has been made.

Marriages fall apart for a myriad of reasons.  Irritation, frustration and feelings of suffocation are endured, perhaps on both sides, for so long that they become habit and the union is possibly nothing more than a charade.

That doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for the others who directly benefit from it.  Where other parties are involved, they’d quite prefer the status quo.  Their world is considerably shaken when a partnership is no longer what it was, but, like it or not, they will have to adjust.

It may have been many years coming to this point.  No one leaves such a long-standing commitment without a great deal of thought and consideration and courage.   Little do they know how much longer they will have to be brave for, how much strength will be required to stand firmly by their feelings and how many changes will actually take place.

One of the most surprising things about a split is how sharply and quickly your credit rating plummets.  Where one was once considered of suffice standing for any manner of affairs, one suddenly finds one is not.     

Those that matter support you and others who thought you worthy anyhow come out of the woodwork to do so too. 

You find yourself in new relationships, more meaningful ones.  They are not necessarily easier, but, at least they are, mainly, solid and sincere.

There are those who will come into the fray merely to exploit your temporary vulnerability and a crisis of confidence will naturally occur.  Your newly honed instincts should soon see them off for what they are.

You will have to face the party from whom you have chosen to distance yourself and they will now show their colours for all to see.

If they wanted to remain in the marriage for the right reasons, they may choose to act with humility and exercise reasonable negotiations, for which they will earn themselves some sympathy and your credit rating will be questioned, but not too badly damaged.  This is where the measure of sentiment can make all the difference in the world.

If they are the clever sort – quietly controlling behind the scenes of an externally presented picture perfect – and, despite their best efforts, you have slipped out of their narcissistic remit, they will behave in a way that –predictably – takes no responsibility whatsoever for the breakdown.  They will publicly point fingers, laying blame at anyone’s door but their own.  Your credit rating will swiftly become negative.  No-one likes nastiness.

A break-up always affects more people than those instigating it realise.  They are just doing what they think is the right thing and even though they may be worse off initially and unexpected changes will surface daily, their belief in themselves and their inherent decency means their credit rating can recover.      

It is those around them that matter.  There are those who come forward because they are now free from their previous situation.  What was once awkward or impossible becomes marvellous opportunity.  Plus, there are those who have always stood firm and, perhaps most valuable of all, there are those with experience who can guide the way.    

It may take more time than one envisaged at the start of this new direction, but eventually, despite the perils of Divorce, everyone finds their feet and, most cases, wouldn't look back!

(In this instance, I voted to Remain in the Union, but it was me who wanted to Leave my actual marriage and I'm finding it interesting to see the parallels in the pattern emerging of this metaphoric one.  I identify completely with the chaos that has ensued since the decision to split was announced and might feel inclinced to continue to comment accordingly, so that the many lessons learned can be put to some use!).

Anya XX    

Welcoming 'Divorce Day' with Mortgages for Divorcees!

Who knew?!  

Such is the surge of separating spouses to solicitors offices on the first working Monday of the new year, it's now been nicknamed 'Divorce Day!'

And although it makes me laugh nowadays, the truth is that the Christmas holidays can be a painful time for many people.  Simmering tensions and enforced togetherness can bring things to a head that might have ticked along for years and, finally, one partner or another will decide to break free. 

The trouble is that, sometimes, this is only partly possible. 

I split from my ex-husband seven years ago now.  We'd been separated for some time before he joined my family for a few days one Christmas and it was so awful (for me) I was among many in the queue that first week of January to file for divorce.  That was that and I've never looked back in that particular regard. 

However, we've never been able to break free from each other financially, despite the fact he didn't support us at all for quite a long period.

Even though I invested quite a large sum into our house, it was purchased in joint names for the mortgage we needed - to cover the extra and, in time, to do the work required.  He has never contributed to it and never will, never pays for any repairs or insurances and won't be footing any of the bill for the balance when it matures.  He agrees that it's all down to me.

But if I die, he inherits everything.  All my hard work in the city, all my years of paying and doing everything to keep a roof over the childrens' and my head since he was asked to leave, the lot.  This worries me.  And it's wrong. 

I want to protect my childrens' interests and leave them (or my immediate family should anything happen to all three of us) their rightful legacy, but, until now, lenders have been loathe to consider divorcees to stand on their own as viable mortgagees.

I say 'until now,' because it seems the  Ipswich Building Society  have come through, in a new move to help us and although I find their term 'mortgage misfits' a little offensive, the idea behind it is so exciting that it was featured in the Telegraph on line last week-end and I was delighted to be a case study for them.

They are naturally focussing on the finances but the emotional ramifications are massive because they will be helping people finally sever connections that are no longer appropriate or they no longer desire. 

The main premise seems to be that they will now include maintenance payments as income - something more or less irrelevant in my case, but where larger amounts of money change hands monthly, this could have a positive impact for both sides. .  

Also, where they say they are using real people (rather than a computer) to take the decisions has definitely inspired me to apply on merit.    

I asked the Ipswich Building Society to explain:

Life after divorce: You and your mortgage.

With 42% of all marriages ending in divorce it would seem that the season of goodwill is not all it is cracked up to be for many. In fact, typically the first working Monday in January (this year January 4th) has been deemed ‘Divorce Day’, being the day when legal firms see a surge in divorce related enquiries.

During a divorce, untangling possessions and finances can be stressful, so when all is done it would be easy to presume things going forward will be plain sailing. However, this isn’t always the case. When it comes to a jointly owned home, there are implications regarding the mortgage for both parties both during and after a divorce, and it can often be difficult to get a new mortgage in the future. So, thinking about the practicalities, what does this mean when it comes to getting a mortgage after you and your spouse have separated?

Why might some divorcees find it hard to get a mortgage?

In 2014, the Mortgage Market Review shook up the way that we apply for mortgages, imposing stricter affordability criteria and meaning lenders calculate the incomes and outgoings of applicants and judge if they can afford mortgage repayments not just now, but also in the event of any future interest rate rises.

This means that in the last couple of years divorcees have found themselves in the ‘mortgage misfits’ category – a term used to describe those who have found it harder to obtain a mortgage after the regulation.

What does this mean for divorcees?

In many cases a divorce typically results in a reduced household income. Unsurprisingly, the impact of this is felt most in households where one parent takes on child care responsibilities after the divorce. With 2.8 million UK households consist of lone parents and 48% of divorcing couples had at least one child aged under 16 living with the family it really is startling then to learn that only a handful of mortgage lenders will accept child maintenance payments - a crucial source of income for many after a divorce - when making affordability calculations.

Luckily, we are one of the lenders who do include child maintenance in our affordability assessment for a mortgage and we are campaigning for ‘mortgage misfits’ to have fairer access to the mortgage market. As such, we accept 100% of child maintenance for mortgage applicants throughout England and Wales, where supported by a CSA or Court Order with 5 years left to run.

Another option is to try to find mortgage lenders which use real people to do their underwriting, as they consider applications based on merit rather than a computer based approach. Often these manual processes are used by smaller lenders, such as regional building societies and some specialist banks.

Three top tips if you’re divorcing and have a joint mortgage:

1. Check your mortgage agreement, or speak to your lender if you are unsure of the conditions for both parties. A mortgage is a big commitment and has a continual obligation for all named holders, regardless of any relationship breakdown.
2. A separation is a massive upheaval and you may face financial difficulties. Remember if you happen to miss a payment, or go into arrears even just for a short while it can affect your credit and your ability to get a mortgage in the future.
3. Long term you need to consider the options. It may be that one party can take on the mortgage by themselves, and buy the other out of their share of the property. When going through the courts the priority will be to ensure any children have a secure home. Some typical orders the courts may make, include:
1. transfer of ownership, with lesser share of possessions;
2. retaining joint ownership but giving one party the right to stay;
3. transferring the home to one party but with a charge secured on the property (ensuring the other party receives a set percentage when the home is sold), or
4. selling the home and splitting the proceeds between both parties in whatever proportions are deemed fair.

Remember, many of these require a change in mortgage contract so make sure you speak with your mortgage lender as soon as possible. In addition, as every situation is different, it is best to seek legal advice and speak to a professional in the first instance about your options if you and your spouse decide to divorce.

YOUR HOME MAY BE REPOSSESSED IF YOU DO NOT KEEP UP REPAYMENTS ON YOUR MORTGAGE

This is a collaborative post that has made me jump up and down with joy!

90 Secs with a Solicitor on Divorce, Separation, Mediation + Children.

Every now and then I’m asked to talk about something specific on the blog that turns out to be really worthwhile and today is one of those days! 

Peacock and Co. Solicitors got in touch to tell us about their 90 Seconds with a Solicitor series …. where they’ve laid out commonly asked questions and given their expert legal advice as answers.  

Although they naturally cover all the usual services, it makes sense to stick within Family Law and what would be appropriate to here.   

The Solicitor whose pragmatic wisdom we are blessed with today is Caroline Mills, a Partner in the firm and it’s really impressive how much information she can impart in 90 seconds!

When you’re thinking about separating or divorcing and children are involved, things aren’t always straightforward so it’s easy to go round in circles for a while and even when you’re apart, or have been for a long time, a little help from a skilled professional can go a long way.

In the 90 Seconds with Caroline Mills on …. Divorce, she recommends planning, if possible, to separate at the appropriate time in the tax year and suggests considering a forensic accountant if you think your spouse isn’t disclosing all his / her assets.  Plus she talks about what happens with regards to any monies you expect to inherit after your divorce.

In 90 Seconds with Caroline Mills on … Mediation, she explains how you are now required to attend a Mediation Information Assessment Meeting before an application can be made to the courts if you are in dispute with your ex-partner and how mediation with a neutral third party can be a beneficial option for resolving difficulties over finances or contact with the children.   

She also discusses parental rights in 90 Seconds with Caroline Mills on… Children: Life After The Break Up – regarding who has their say on the big decisions like medical treatment, schooling and holidays and the latest one is on … How to Deal with Christmas when you are Separating or Divorcing, where she imparts some brilliant and sensitive advice about how best to deal with everyone’s needs during the festive period.

Caroline Mills, Partner at Peacock and Co. Solicitors

Caroline is a trained Collaborative Lawyer and Family Law Mediator and she and Peacock & Co are members of Resolution, a group of independent family lawyers who follow a Code of Practice that promotes a non-confrontational approach to family problems. They are based in south London but are happy to represent people from further afield.

In the meanwhile, please feel free to check out their website which is full of fabulous information posted for free and I hope it is of benefit to those of you who starting out on the road of separation, or are even further along it and need to know where you all reasonably stand.

All the questions, answers and contact details can be found in their NEWS section HERE.  

You’re welcome XX

This is a collaborative post, but all words etc are my own.

Co-Parenting at Christmas.

Christmas is a tricky time of year for separated and divorced parents.  In the early days, no-one knows what 'the right thing' to do is and then as you become more familiar with family law and are happy with the arrangements, the kids throw a spanner in the works.  They've become older, have formed their own opinions and you're lucky if they want to see any of you, let alone celebrate two Christmasses with both sets of parents and aunts and uncles and grandparents. *Big Sigh!*

For some of us, the single parenting / co-parenting situation can be fairly straightforward.  For others though, it's nigh on impossible.  My experiences have led me to ascertain that if one of the parties was really darned unreasonable during the marriage, they're likely to remain that way when you have ongoing dealings with them.  And I'm not just talking about mine (*rolls eyes at continual exapseration with nutty ex-h*) but others' too. 

Fraught feelings pass, but in the early days, and / or especially at this time of year, we might need help. There is no 'right way' for everyone.  What serves your family best is key, as is spelled out in this brilliant co-parenting guide which has come to my attention.  When both parties put aside their anger and focus on damage limitation, much can be achieved.

It's produced by The Co-operative Legal Services and it's FREE, full of helpful tips and advice on the issues we need to consider and I really recommend a read.  It keeps co-parenting after divorce as straightforward as is possible.

In the interests of reducing stress around the logistics of the festive season though and making it more enjoyable for everyone, they've provided me personally with their Family Law expert Jenny Beck, to whom I've posed these rather probing (genuine, obvs) questions and seeing as no circumstances are black and white her answers are in blue ;) !  I hope they go some way towards alleviating any anxiety you - or someone you know - might be feeling. 

Jenny Beck, The Cooperative Legal Advice, Family Law expert. 

Our Questions & Answers:

1. What's the normal arrangement for divorced or separated parents re their kids at Christmas? time? There isn’t a ‘normal’ arrangement as such. It depends on the parent’s and children’s individual needs and circumstances. Ideally, children would spend equal time with both of their parents during the Christmas holidays and arrangements such as whether mum has the children on Christmas Eve and Christmas day and dad has the children on New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day would alternate year on year to make things fair. 

2. My ex-husband was supposed to have his first set of children every other Christmas, alternated with New Year, but the children didn't really want to be away from their mum and I didn’t think it was fair - what’s best in this situation?  It’s understandable that your ex wants to spend Christmas Day with his children. If the children don’t want to be away from their mum, perhaps both parents could come to an agreement that suits everyone. For example, the children staying with their mum on Christmas Eve allowing the father to visit them at home on Christmas Day? That way, he benefits from seeing them and they don’t miss out on spending quality time with their father at an important time of year. This is of course is dependent on whether the parents’ relationship, is an amicable one. If it isn’t amicable, I wouldn’t advise this and would instead advise that the parents reach an agreement such as the child spending a few hours on Christmas Day with their father. Children pick up on negative atmospheres which can lead to them being very unhappy. 

3. What about if the children are used to a big family bash at the in-laws with aunties, uncles and cousins etc. and now you're looking at a quiet Christmas at home.  Won't they be missing out?  Do you think it's really fair for them to miss out on what they're used to?  I think it’s important to put children’s’ needs first. Family is so important and it’s good for children to build relationships with extended family members. Having said that, it’s vital that children develop relationships and bonds with their parents. I think in this case, there needs to be a compromise. Could the children not spend Christmas Eve with one parent and that side of the family and then Christmas Day with the other parent and their family? That way each parent and their relatives are able to spend some time with the children. 

4. What kind of sway do you think the children should have when decisions are being made re arrangements, vs what the law says?  The law suggests that children’s wishes and feelings should be taken into account in decision making but the weight placed on those views will depend on age and maturity. The reality is that asking children to decide what they want places them in a really difficult emotional place and this sort of pressure should be avoided at all costs. The adults should understand their wishes and needs and make sensible decisions to meet them . These decisions are best communicated in a united way so that the children are presented a plan to suit them with both parents in agreement. 

5. I know some estranged couples that live near each other who share the day with the children - the morning at home, the afternoon with the non-resident parent.  What do you think of that and how long past the separation point do you think that's a good idea?  Each family’s individual circumstances are personal to them. There is not a ‘one rule fits all approach when it comes to separation. Where parents have an amicable co-parenting relationship, it is beneficial for all parties involved. For some ex partners, however this is just not possible as they struggle to communicate with one another on a weekly basis, let alone spend time together daily. Where separated and divorced parents have continued to attend all family events and functions together as a family and a new partner is introduced, it can become quite awkward as the new partner might be uncomfortable with the ex being around so much. 

6. How confusing do you think it is for the children for the non-resident parent to come round for the day and share it all together - like some people seem to be able to do?  Providing both parents have sat down with the children following their decision to separate and clearly explained that they are no longer going to be together but that both parents will continue to see them as much as possible, it shouldn’t be too confusing for them. Much will depend on the relationship between the parents but these arrangements can work. 

7. What about where the kids don't really want to see their other parent anymore but presents still arrive? How best should they / we deal with that? Although it’s often hard to do its very important for parents to encourage a positive view of their ex and presents should be given and communication encouraged. Children’s views change over time and allowing a parent to become completely marginalised presents real emotional risks as children grow up. Often they can end up demonising, or idealising the absent parent and this can impact on their relationship with their primary carer and other family members. It also impacts their own self esteem. 

8. And where do the grandparents stand all round?   Grandparents are often  important sources of support and stability, particularly when they can be balanced and not take sides between sparring parents. Relationships with wider family are always important to children and Christmas is a time to enjoy them. 

9. And what about where the parents have kids on set days and they fall on Christmas and you can't get your ex to be flexible and the kids are complaining - and the days are a court order - where does the law stand? It is beneficial for both parents and their children to have a routine and set days or weeks in place so that all parties involved are clear on arrangements and so that parents can make relevant childcare plans. For Christmas and other holidays throughout the year, parents need to be more flexible and plan in advance of these holidays and occasions. Most well thought through orders will provide for holiday periods. If your ex-partner isn’t flexible and refuses to change set days or weeks, I would recommend seeking advice such as mediation. A mediator can take some of the pressure of you and can help by sorting through your arrangements to ensure childcare suits both of you. 

If you can think of something we haven't covered, please do make contact.  Leave a question below or Tweet me at @anyaharris01.  You might come up with the elementary question that occurred to me in the middle of the night which has escaped me since and, as always, your comments are most welcome too! 

Disclosure - This post is in association with The Co-operative Legal Services. 

The Moment You Know Your Relationship is Over.

For quite some time I've been fancying a column somewhere, but don't really have the confidence to go shouting about it.  I've trusted that, in time, the shocking statistics and my credibility would come together, that the need for a voice to represent single parents fairly and responsibly would make itself known, that we'd shrug off this worn out cliche of who we are supposed to be and we'd finally be heard in our real light and right.

Six months after I first started blogging, netmums ran a week called Busting the Myths about single parents, which I was proud to spearhead and, indeed, they have always been a tremendous support to all parents, regardless of their status, so I asked if I could write some stuff for them and their response was that they would be honoured to have me!

My first piece is called 'The Moment You Know.'  It's about when we realise our relationship with our partner truly is over and there's no going back, how the breaking point is generally a long time coming and not always really obvious or cut and dried, but, for every separated parent out there, it will have come.  Several people have contributed to it.

As we approach Christmas, for too many families, some enforced togetherness will bring strained times to a head.  I wanted to explain why some of us just can't carry on sometimes, why we don't deserve judgment or pity, but credit for the courage it takes to make the break and how, when children are involved, none of us leaves until our conscience allows.

I would love to know your thoughts too and thank you all for your support!

Image courtesy of netmums.

The Truth About Being a Single Parent.

Following on from The Truth About Being an Older Mum it occurred to me recently to do the same about being a single one.

Lots of people find, by choice, they become a single parent, some have it forced on them.  Either way, there's so much you can predict - the practicalities are doubled, your guilt as a parent never leaves you and how the children cope is dependent on how well you can, or not.

There are deeply painful conversations to be had - you all wish things had turned out differently, your children need constant reassurance and protection from you, their suffering is your suffering and, most of the time, you get along just fine, because anything other arrangement is better than one that involves conflict.

But every now and then something unpredictable comes along, something you can't explain to the children sufficiently, something that adds to their already quite normal embarrassment about our circumstances being different to most of their friends' and out of somewhere deep, you have to draw out yet another solution, one that's tougher than the rest, re-inforcing how hard it is to be going it alone.  And it's not always possible:

The Five Year Old was arguing with me.  He was absolutely adamant about something perfectly reasonable, but I wouldn't give in.  I will never give in.

I will never let him go into the Gents' public loos alone.

He and the Nine Year Old come into the Ladies loos with me.  And that's final.

But they need to understand.

Who can blame them?

What does one say to two such young children who want to do what their mates do?  But their mates go in with their Dads, they're told.  They're protected from predators, they're not told.

Until now.  At some point, as excruciating as this conversation is, it's got to be held.  By me.  Like all the difficult ones are.  And I don't mind, it's my job, my privilege to protect my children, to teach them, educate them about matters, but ones like these are super trying.

Those about mums and dads splitting up, living apart, and, in our situation, complicated 'Contact' stuff are all second nature now and although they're far from easy, there's no choice in the matter or those circumstances.  We have to deal with them as best as we can, re-visit them as ages and perspectives change and we get used to having them.

This one conjured up a whole different scenario, having to skirt around the issues, but be as clear as possible without intruding upon their innocence.  It was tough and it's unlikely the matter is closed.  The eldest is a little more accepting because he has the experience of a man (known to the Police it later transpired) secretly beckoning to him in the local library when I once (very briefly, fortunately) popped off to fetch a glass of water before breastfeeding his baby brother, and, as fate would have it, he remembers a girl about his age coming into the Gents loos with her Dad on one of the infrequent times he was actually in one (escorted obvs).

So what do we do?  Aside from checking they're empty first then standing guard, which can only sensibly occur in smaller venues, there really is no option.  What upsets the older one most though, is the dirty looks he gets from the women using the Ladies.  I understand everyone's points of view, but they're my children and, surely, I'm not bringing them in with me for fun?  I tell him that a little awkwardness is a small price to pay for his safety.  He's still relatively small and vulnerable.  Perhaps those who disapprove could re-think their glares and share a sympathetic smile instead?

I tell him that the people who should be locked up for ever aren't and a lot of them live along the south coast, so it's us who end up feeling imprisoned.  But that's way over the head of the Five Year Old.

In fact, it's kind of a relief when the little one returns to being inconsolable over the heartbreaking whole household issue of us all 'really, really, really' wanting a dog, yet, purely for financial reasons, rather than social ones this time, he's not winning that argument either!

What kind of unpredictable or trying conversations do you have with your children?

When They're All You've Got.

Yesterday marked the end of an era, that by which eight and a half years of being a full time, stay at home mum to two young boys has come to a close.  The littlest started full time school.

Initially, we hoped that this would occur last September, however it wasn't possible to admit him into the same one as his brother, so much prevaricating has occurred instead - we are out of its catchment area.

The place offered to him nearby presented a logistical scenario that Houdini himself wouldn't manage so he stayed at his local, lovely and wonderful Montessori nursery where he would get plenty of individual, child led attention and continue to thrive. 

There was nothing wrong with this - it's never been anything shorter than excellent.  The teaching and nurturing are second to none and I was perfectly happy with the decision to keep him on there until a space either came up or something else workable could be achieved.

But all his friends had left.  He was the big boy - a perfect opportunity for him to not be the littlest, as he is in the family - and discovering his gentle consideration for those much younger than him has been a worthwhile joy for us all, but watching him with them one day made me realise:

He was ready to move on.

Would I ever be?  Did I want to keep him little for ever?  Would he ever let me, anyhow?

No, no and no, but you can't blame a woman for trying when they're virtually all you've got, can you?

Having kicked out his father when six months pregnant with him, and his brother was just four, younger than he is now, it's been the team of the three of us since, and it has been hard.  How I survived those early days with a young baby and child alone, Heaven only knows.  Sometimes it was simply too scary to go to sleep, afraid of the frequent disturbances which would inevitably come, knowing that morning and the eldest's school run would arrive before I could possibly believe it, that when I cleaned my teeth it would feel like I had only just done them and hadn't actually been to bed, yet the day would begin.

I would shake with fatigue, but plaster on a brave face - eye make up and lippy - and go out into the world.  Occasionally he'd still be in his babygrow, but I didn't care.  He was warm and loved and we'd take the second breakfast that he still wants out with us.

It was difficult to face going straight home. We always went for a cuppa somewhere - sometimes with others, sometimes just us and he has always been fantastic company - funny and so lively he occasionally alienated other mothers, but I wouldn't change a thing - apart from when the eldest had to be rushed to the Eye hospital because of it and perhaps when he nearly killed me with a badminton racquet recently - but those accidents are probably down to me being too soft on him because he's such a charmer.

Ever the Comedian!

His first morning, he entered his classroom, jumping like a rabbit, making all his new peers laugh. He has been excited about this new start since we decided on it just a couple of weeks ago.  And that's it.  It's over.  We made it.

This is in no small part due to a few fine girlfriends who have stepped in, when circumstances or illness - the boys' or mine - have finally broken me and you all know who you are, thank you ladies.  We're lucky to have you.

As bereft as it'll make me to no longer be lunching with Batman or playing playdough with Iron Man and not to be being regularly wrestled by a mini John Cena to boot, because the little man who insisted on wearing superhero suits now embraces his school uniform equally enthusiastically (Phew!), there is an enormous sense of pride that permeates our home right now.

But just as I was managing to hold it all together, accomplishing the letting go, being less clingy and feeling too frightened to, this was played on the radio and it all came undone.  

Although it was written for a girl, inspired by the seven year old daughter of Abba's Bjorn and Agnetha, for one of their Albums, it is featured in the film Mamma Mia and the sentiments, sung so movingly by Meryl Streep, truly say it all.  If you have children and they're growing up a tad too quickly for your liking, you might join me in bawling at this.

Go on, show me some solidarity!  'School bag in hand....' she sings.... *Passes tissues.*  

'It's Terrifying!'

So. It transpires that an old bird needn't necessarily really struggle with the technicalities of a blog such as this, as much as first attempts would indicate.

Having about two years of journal notes, attempted columns of funny and embarrassing stories and quips etc., it seemed simply too awful to contemplate not being able to simply transfer some of it over here, but this is what was looming at me.

Feeling totally inadequate - more, even, than on a normal day - complying with various requests for 'URLs (?)' and taking wild guesses at file format selections, the soreness of frustration and failure was seeping into my soul.  

A marvellous friend - the least computer literate one of all - suggested old fashioned Copying and Pasting and hey presto, hooray for her, because it works!

Yes.  It can sometimes be woeful to be me and getting photos over alone is still flummoxing!

Anyway, appreciating that the blogosphere hadn't even emerged when I started all this stuff and that 'Diaries of a Middle Aged Single Mum' are not aptly named to appeal to the masses, now 'Twitter' is where it's at. How on earth are we supposed to keep up when the TV remote controls can defeat us?

But here is what I wrote April 2009:

Column 1 - 'It's terrifying!' 

Who can blame a girl?

IT’S not what you expect – having a baby at 45. 

Neither is it what you expect to tell your husband you’re divorcing him, followed by such news.  And that’s how it started.  Nothing could change my mind.  Matters would merely be delayed.  Three miscarriages is enough for any woman to contend with.  It would be foolish to risk a further one.  This would mean having to put up with him for a while yet, as long as it was bearable.  However it was not to be.  Things would eventually and naturally prove intolerable.

We already have a delightful son who was approaching 4.  It was important to me and I was glad that they were full siblings, same blood etc .  Secretly, that is sort of the only reason I’d had sex with my husband in the first place.  Shamefully, despite pretending such shenanigans were with Daniel Craig, abstaining had still been preferable for quite some time, yet there was a consistent feeling of another child to come yet.  And so, miraculously, he did.  This once-off timing was incredible. 

And so, as well, I would become a single mum with full parental contact for their Dad, which is the hardest bit to cope with!  He’s brilliant with what money he has, yet it’s still a struggle to make ends meet and, furthermore, he is of the opinion it buys him things it doesn’t.  Fortunately, he works away, lives there and is nonetheless devoted to our two boys, Robson and Baby Aiden.

It’s rather confusing at times and although I feel independence is overrated, I miss it terribly.  It is ridiculous to find myself presently truly grateful for any small mercies whatsoever - such as someone else hanging the washing on the line, a job usually undertaken by one of my visiting friends, the impact of which is immeasurably and preposterously disproportionate to the gesture - as my hands are blessed with being full of a tiny bundle of bouncing baby joy.

This, however, is the life of a single parent.  If you know any – and there are plenty of us about, so, indeed, there is a great likelihood you might - do try to be a little kinder, as any miniscule amount of help will go further than you could fathom!

High points of the week – Robson’s mate tunefully teaching him and them both very loudly singing ‘God the Builder, can we fix it? God the Builder, yes we can!’ Robson telling me he loves me ‘To the roofs of buses, all round the town and through everywhere!’  Enjoying the most utterly divine experience of massaging a freshly bathed beautiful baby Aiden, while trying not to let Robson know and avoiding my own secret feelings of jealousy.     

Very low point - being whacked on the ankle with a proper cricket bat.

All things must change...

Major achievements – getting the Alphabet frieze out of its packet, on the wall, spirit level straight, but 6 months after it was given to us, however managing to open the NEXT parcels only five days after they had arrived, plus the bargain adjustable waist jeans were perfect for Robson.  Also, managed to refrain from punching a chatty man, who was innocently and politely discussing the price of a demonstration gazebo in M&S with me, seemingly oblivious that I was sat, obviously rather too discreetly, breastfeeding Aiden under it at the time.  

Unfortunately, the little one’s subsequent blissful slumber would be a bit short lived, for while I 

mindfully perused their school uniform stuff, pleasantly unencumbered by either offspring at the time and piling up my basket, he was rudely disturbed by a packet of vests falling from it onto his head and all hell broke loose.  He screamed.  We scarpered. O.M.G. Had to get out of there. 

Left the lovely so-called shopping and went to collect eldest from Nursery, muttering away about never getting anything done and how likely it is Aiden’s first word will be Bo**ocks!’

Sometimes it’s terrifying being a single mother.  Even when you’re 45! 

  
Read Diary 2 - HERE.

Read Diary 3 HERE.

Read Diary 4 HERE.

Shitty Ex-Husbands.

This is the voice of an older single parent.  Everybody knows one.  We're not all born on Council Estates and we are severely under-represented or mis-represented.

And another please...

The term 'Single Mum' conjures up such images as a young girl with offspring, sometimes of various parenthood, broke and scrounging off the State, but this is also unfair.

It was never meant to be this way.  Some of us were married to the father(s) of our children, even before we were pregnant!  And the marriage broke down and we were left lumbered with the demands of our Darling Angels alone.

Plus the demands of a shitty ex - husband.

Mine is probably not one of the worst, however he is mean and spiteful and controlling and that's why I divorced him.

Of course, he will never forgive me.  He thinks I will 'come to my senses' and 'we will re-marry.'

Did I mention he must be deranged?

Technically, perhaps, it could be said I am an Ex-WAG, but I think that is too mis-leading to write, so I won't.

My shitty ex-husband, as we shall refer to him, was, indeed, a famous Sportsman in his time, but seeing as we are ancient and I didn't even know him then and it was before the term had even been invented and his sport - Rugby - was still amateur and the lack of cash for his 'lifetime of graft' still rankles him, then it is absolutely wrong to use that expression.

However, I think it is appropriate to bring it up, for the size of his ego, his inability to behave in a normal fashion (what first attracted me to him and ultimately what still drives me mad about him) and his willingness for the world only to revolve around him are entirely and exactly, I think, why I was to become a single mum.