26 January 2015

I Was Married to a Sociopath.

Some things hit you between the eyes.  Others take a little longer, then whack you around the face to boot, as if to wake you from your stupor.

And then, you're finally free.

'He's a Sociopath,' someone had said.

'A Sociopath?'  I thought.  'Psycopath' had often crossed my mind, but 'Sociopath?' What on earth did that mean?

A good Google was in order and this produced amazing and instant results.  The more I read, the more things made sense.  It explained everything.

Perusing page after page listing the signs and symptoms, the eye-opening continued and with relief and awe, amidst feelings of incredible shame and foolishness, the truth dawned:-  I'd been married to one.

Not that there was anything I could do about any of it.  Only my perception had changed.  His behaviour would continue to hurt me. Worse, it would affect the children too.

It wasn't as if the tell tale stuff wasn't there at the outset of what would be a doomed and mostly miserable relationship, it sure as hell was, but so clever are they at luring you in to their 'Woe is me' story, making you feel sorry for them and exploiting every last fibre of your kind and giving being that it may be many years before you manage to eventually extricate yourself.

If you work with a Sociopath, you will feel bullied and humiliated. So, too, if a parent or your partner could be classed one.

It's very difficult to recover.

This is what Professor Robert Hare says in one of his books 'Without Conscience' -
'Sociopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plough their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.'
In my experience, you fall for Mr. Charming - the attentive, caring, witty and understanding part of his personality which hides a ruthless, cunning, deceitful and domineering one.  Your friends will be impressed.  Your family will welcome him in.  You don't tell them about the snide comments when they begin.

You think you are happy.  You make excuses for him.  The criticisms about your cooking, the dissing your driving and the sneers at your appearance insidiously mount.  You slowly become quieter, the more of you that is extinguished, the more your confidence evaporates.

You might try to talk about it.  Your friends and family now make excuses for him.  You don't tell them how bad it really is, because in-between times, in public, you see the man you thought he was, believe he is, if only you can help him.

You try harder.

He blames everyone else.  He blames his luck.  He thinks everyone is out to get him.  You try harder again.  You can see someone brilliant and extraordinary with incredible potential, perhaps with depression, or even Asperger's, but these are condidions which cannot be turned on and off at whim, depending on who's watching.   You are confused, you feel wretched and guilty.

By now, you might have children with this person - something else that will add to his tormented, angry temperament.  He will try to make you happy.  Becaue he's so f*cked up, he will fail.  Your heart can't switch around as his moods do.  Much damage will have been done.  Many tears will have been shed.  Yours and his.

In outward ways he is great.  He saves the real him for you, when no-one is looking.  He will punch walls, smash a glass table, but never hit you.  He is intimidating and his favourite remark is that you don't know anything about anything.  He makes you fight to be heard.  He condemns your opinions, disregards your feelings, ignores your efforts and dismisses your desires.

You try harder.

You may become more assertive.  He merely ups his menacing game.  But his mask might start to slip - in front of the children.  The neighbours will notice.  Your friends get a glimpse - the few from whom he luckily didn't manage to isolate you.  All the 'Who the f*ck is that?' comments every time one of them rang will have unnerved you and those who went by the wayside will have increased your insecurity and fed his power.

You will feel embarrassed,  but you will start to open up, take legal advice even.  They label it 'Emotional / Domestic Abuse.'

Years later you will hear the newer, posher term 'Intimate Terrorism' and know exactly what it means.  You will peer past the glamourous exterior of Nigella Lawson, identifying with the hurt and betrayal in her eyes and you will sense that she, too, despite her dignified appearance, deep down, is broken.

You start to secretly make notes of things.  And then one day, he finally goes far too far, so, with newfound boldness, you quit, calling it a day, at last accepting it's not you who is crazy.  

All your previous attempts to finish the relationship will have been met with threats of suicide, promises to seek help and counselling sessions might even have been had, but to no avail.

And when you're divorced, you think it's over.  But, no, he wades back into your life, throwing his weight around, banging on about his right to see the children who he goes on to upset and disturb with alarming regularity.

Your life is toxic with him in it.  You don't want him to win.  You have to protect your sons - yet you don't know what is actually best for them.  You tear yourself up trying to do work out what that is. You find yourself required to rely on professionals who don't even get their names right.  They suggest your ex-husband is a controlling 'Narcisstic Sociopath,' but they add the caveat - 'If what you are saying is true.'

They throw in 'Anti-Social Personality Dis-Order' which is deemed more acceptable to the courts, but it's expensive to prove.   For every step forward feeling heard, there are a couple back.  Despair sets in. You are dangerously demoralised.  Frustration must be overcome with yet more faith and fortitude.

Fortunately for you, your friends no longer hold back.

You are exhausted, shattered from so much trying, yet still you continue.  Some women will go under, but you're determined not to be one of them.

You are free of him now, but the children aren't.  You do your best to faciliate a healthy, loving relationship but you wonder whether it's even possible.  It's no longer about how he made you leave the bedroom three times a night when you were breastfeeding because he 'couldn't stand the f*cking sucking sound.'  It's about how your eldest son has 'dark feelings in his heart' he attributes to his father and how the youngest one clings to your Foreign Language Students (enforced upon us all by the lack of financial contribution) and more or less any other man he meets and calls them all 'Daddy,' as unedifying and mortifying as it is.

You have to stay strong, brave and decent, everything he isn't.  But you cope.

You have to for the childrens' sakes.

And your new life may falter, but it will still be there.



sociopath, psycopath, loved and lost,
Articles and Sources of help -

Psycopath vs Sociopath - What's the difference?

Sociopath Signs: Is your Ex a Sociopath or a Narcissist?

womens aid (National Domestic Violence Helpline) 0808 2000 247
RESPECT - helpline for men 0808 8010 327  / anyone else 0808 802 4040 
Refuge
RISE (Brighton & Hove) 01273 622822
netmums
mumsnet

92 comments:

  1. What an awesomely brave piece of writing. I fell in love with one when I was at University - but found out he had a string of girls at the broken stage and managed to get out - not unscathed but intact. Only reading this have I realised the official name for what he was.

    Much love to you and the boys - and hopefully lunch soon xxx

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    1. Thank you Jenny. They can only get a grip of certain people and they certainly leave their mark. I understand you wouldn't be unscathed, but am glad he didn't break you. Love to you all too and, lunch would be wonderful thank you. *wipes tear* xxx

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  2. Well done Anya, getting this out there. Sending you a bg cyber hug. Mich xx

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  3. Very brave post. Hope it was cathartic for you to write, and that it will help others going through the same thing realise they don't deserve it.

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    1. Thanks Donna. It does feel quite cathartic, actually. I think keeping stuff secret adds to the shame. I still have the notes I wrote somewhere but I never look at them because they still disturb me.I sincerely hope this post helps others identify certain traits and get out of a really unhealthy situation.

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  4. However dark and pointless things seem . . . . time is a great healer. And none of us knows what the future holds. You may meet your prince one day! And the shithead ex. rugby thug will be a distant memory.

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  5. I have a friend who also left a similar situation and the ex tries to manipulate every single contact he has with the kids. Not one overnight or weekend with them has gone according to the legal agreement and every time he insists on a long text messages (she won't answer the phone to him) explaining why she has to agree to doing it differently, why she's not being fair, why he is only trying to do what's best for the kids, etc... I see how it's exhausting. Keep sight of the fact that the children will see through him eventually and he is digging his own grave as far as a relationship with them goes. Lots of love xxx

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    1. Thank you Rachel. It's always all about them. They are blind to the damage they wreak, blame everyone else and just carry on and f*cking on. Just telling your friend what you really think of him will help her and yes, I'm watching the grave digging and it's awful xxx

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  6. Oh, thankyou so much, now I know that is what my ex-husband's problem was - as well as having bipolar disorder. I lived with him for 18 years, my kids were 12 and 16 when I eventually left but we went through everything that you mentioned above. The boys are now 44 and 39 and are loving, kind and attentive partners to their respective wives, I am so so pleased that neither of them inherited his horridness. He died in 2006 aged 61 of an alcohol-related illness so I have been free of him now for almost 9 years - as you well know yourself, you may stop living with them but they still dominate your life and blame you for all their failings. Chin up, my dear, and keep hugging those boys x x x

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    1. Thank you Joy. I'm sorry that you went through this as well and am heartened that you have managed to bring your boys up to still be decent men despite it. 'Sociopath' is still quite a new expression in the UK and it doesn't really change anything but it kind of helps to recognize all the traits in one hit and release yourself from all the stuff they dumped on everyone else, but mostly you. Here's to the ultimate freedom ;) xxx

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  7. I am sorry you have been/are going through this. Brilliant strong post, but so much hurt behind it. You are brave and wonderful and strong and your love will see your boys through it all xx

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  8. I recognise some of those traits too. Have you taken your sons to see a child psychologist? I had to take my eldest to see one to help him cope mentally with his father. It helped.

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    1. I thought you might Sarah. I have recognized them when you have talked about your ex. He's had some counselling but he said he was too ashamed of how his father is to be completely honest. He is incredibly torn. I think the time will come and I guess I'll have to be led by him. Thank you X

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    2. He shouldn't be ashamed. His father is how he is and there's nothing your sons can do about it. They have to accept him for what he is and learn to interact with him in the way that does them the least damage.

      Your ex is risking his relationship with them because they may well cut off all contact once they are no longer obliged to see him. This is what has happened with my eldest.

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    3. Thank you Sarah. I do wonder if that's the way it's heading. I struggle to interact with him myself so can understand a 9yo and 5yo not coping too. We definitely need some support with it but, for starters, their father has blocked what has been offered through the schools so we will have to sort something else out. I will use your words to my eldest about 'accept him for what he is and learn to interact with him in the way that does them the least damage' and see if they help, thank you.

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    4. Those are basically the words my son's psy told him to help him accept his dad the way he is even if he doesn't like how he is. You can't change him, but he's your dad and you have to see him so... It's not easy. I didn't ask my ex if I could take my son to see the psy, I informed him by email "for the good of the child".

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    5. I will definitely try again. He rang the schools to check up on the concerns I'd laid out in an email to him and they, by law, had to fill him in which was when he put a kibosh on the plans - showing this colours though, obvs - how he blatantly ignored the needs of the children. I haven't mentioned the word 'Sociopath' to the eldest yet, but the time will come x

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  9. Such a brilliantly informative post and I hope it can help anyone else out there who recognises the signs. Ex-husbands are exes for a reason, and in our case this is it xx

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    1. Thank you Jean and I'm sorry you are so familiar with all the crap too. At least, as you say, ours are now exes xxx

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  10. You're so spot on ... and so very brave for sharing this. Hindsight is a wonderful thing but when you're in the thick of it it's so hard to deal with isn't it? Much love to you and the boys x

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    1. Thank you. I think the gradual decline in the face of how charming they can be is why it's hard to spot. B*st*rds. xx

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  11. Hey Anya, if only hindsight came at the start... but then it wouldn't be called hindsight. Keep being strong and well done for sharing something that will help anyone going through something similar. Luci xx

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  12. Well done you. It's very scary when the light final switches on and you realise exactly what you have been dating. (I'm speaking from experience!) But you have survived and you will get stronger!

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    1. Thank you and for your encouragement too. I hope you are right and am sorry that you, too, are speaking from experience x

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  13. Very powerful piece of writing Anya. So sorry you had to go through this. So glad you are out the other side xx

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  14. Many moons ago I dated someone who was very controlling, at the time I couldn't see it but then like a light switching on I realised just what he was like and ended things as soon as I possibly could.

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    1. I'm glad you got out Sarah. I think the more of this that gets 'out there,' the more easily it will be recognized and, hopefully, less damage done x

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  15. Well done for being brave enough to write this...I have a lump in my throat because a lot of what you have written describes in part someone I 'once knew' if you know what I mean. x

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    1. Truly, thank you. It's for all of us and those that we know, if you know what I mean too xx.

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  16. Oh goodness what a powerful and emotional post. I am so so sorry that you had to go through all of that and am so so glad that you are coming out the other side of it. You are a very strong last and I hope that this post might just give anyone in a similar situation the strength to do as you did and leave. Sending enormous love x

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  17. Oh darling Anya...big hugs...i see myself in a few of these instances...i am hoping i am not a sociopath :(
    Well done for you finding the gut to walk out of it. You have to be proud of yourself xxx

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    1. Thank you Otilia. You are not a sociopath because you are sensitive to other people's feelings and care deeply about them. They are not and don't xx

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  18. What powerful words. Brave words written on paper too.

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  19. I would highly recommend reading "One Mom's Battle" Tina Swithin and Melanie Tonia Evans blog/podcast about healing.

    Parental alienation is an awful side effect of divorcing narcissist/sociopaths - the sooner your children discovery who their father is - someone who is pathologically & ruthlessly driven to be in control of how other perceive him (particularly those intimately related to him to remain as his narcissistic supply) - the sooner they will be discarded!

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    1. Thank you for all that - I will eplore your suggestions. It's so difficult to know what to do for the best, but, in my heart, I know you're right, because the cold shoulder has already started on the eldest where he doesn't play the game x

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  20. My heart breaks reading this post and then I remember that you are no longer with this man, and you are out the other side of it. I know you have fought hard for all you have achieved to date and you should be mightly proud of that. Your children will also realise soon enough that their dad is a sociopath and that you have done all you can to protect them.

    You are an incredible woman Anya and stronger than you give yourself credit for.

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  21. Oh gosh Anya. I'm so sorry you've been ( and are still going through) this. Lots and lots of love to your and your boys, you deserve every happiness in the world. xxx

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  22. You are such a strong woman Anya. You have been through so much and are always there to help others. Reading this brings a lot of memories back to me, once you get involved with someone like that I don't think you can ever really 'leave' the relaitionship, it lingers with us, even if we get out of that situation x

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    1. Thank you Annie. I know what you mean - it leaves its mark and we are changed, I am glad you, too, are out of the situation and now as happy as is possible to be xx

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  23. I read this post with a mixture of familiarity, emotion and complete awe. The words "gas lighter" have been used to describe my ex, but I wonder if sociopath is more apt.

    Thank you for sharing this post, I can only begin to imagine the strength it took to write and then press publish.

    Sending you love and strength x

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    1. Thank you Donna. Much appreciated and I hope it helps file him away somewhere better xx

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  24. Oh my goodness, you are such a brave and amazing woman. I hate to think of what you have been through and it is so hard when you are trying to protect yourself and your children. You are an amazing mum and a lovely person and I hope that you can move forward and make a life with your lovely boys.

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    1. Thank you Nikki. You get sucked under really slowly so aren't really aware of how bad it is / was until you're out. And then you get more perspective as time goes on. I appreciate your kind words and good wishes xxx

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  25. There are some ladies (I use that term loosely) who put their children through all manner of hurt and hell, as they put men first. You are a "lady" who put up with a lot, until it was simply no longer bearable. He wore a mask, for years. You saw it slip and slip. The day the mask was fully off, was the day you said NO MORE. You put your boys first. It took strength. Boys need their Mums. Yes they need a father figure, but not one who is dysfunctional. You to them are everything, the sweetest song that they could sing (breaks into song). YOU my darling are also a HEALER, so you must seal and protect this situation, and surround them (and sadly, even him) in a veil of white light, love, peace, and Christ light. You must ask Arch Angel Michael for help. He is also fabulous with a sword, so ask him, every night before you go to sleep, to cut any chord of hold that this "chap" has over you. Let him no longer wield any strength. You can do this. You know you can. You are teaching your boys that strong women may stumble, but they do not fall down. I am crying as I type this. Love you lots and lots.
    Liska xxx

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    1. Liska, thank you for such a wonderful comment. It is embarrassing to be duped and then to openly admit it and to have kept trying and trying to make things how you wanted them to be, as opposed to acknowledge that they weren't as they seemed, to you, let alone anyone else. I guess I never ran out of hope and thought I could 'rescue' him, in a way that lots of (even unaware) healers do, with people I know I am not alone in this kind of thing and am hoping that getting this post out there helps others. Thank you for encouragement and support in actually doing so. Lots of love too xxx

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    2. *healers do with people. I know I am not alone .... (crap punctuation!) x

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  26. It's like you were writing my past married life.There's so much I can relate too, you're such a brave lady.I hope you draw strength from what you've been through.

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    1. I think it's more common than we might realise Aly and that's one of the reasons I wrote it. It feels good to get it out tbh! And thank you, you too xx

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  27. I'm so glad you wrote this. I'm even more glad that you're now in a place where you felt able to write it. That's a lot of emotional processing you've been through, and that can only be a good thing for your future self. I wish you happiness in equal measure to make up for the sadness that you've had.

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    1. Wow, Actually Mummy you are very insightful, if that is the right word. I talked to Anya all the days she was writing this, and it was indeed a lot of emotional processing. You hit the nail on the head. I came on to reply to a different comment, but was really grabbed by the wisdom of yours xx

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    2. Thank you for such an insightful and understanding comment Helen. It feels good to be able to write about it with such honesty - and it's only the tip of the iceberg really! It can only be good for the children to have come through and be out the other side and I am stronger to be able to help them deal with such a difficult man. And thank you for such a lovely wish for us all! X

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    3. Ahh thanks Liska, I guess I've been through a bit of that myself and whilst it can be painful, it's never wasted and often benefits you in ways you can't know, further down the line x

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    4. AND Anya, whilst this kind of thing is immensely hard for children to go through, they are way more resilient than us, and the people skills and resourcefulness they will have learned - though we'd prefer them to learn it at a later age - will stand them in such good stead in other aspects of their lives.

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  28. Wow. Powerful post. Thank you for sharing

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  29. I had one of these! He made up stories about him blacking out and being rushed to hospital, to cover the fact that he had been out whoring all night - not once, but numerous times, and these stories were so detailed I was petrified he had brain cancer, I begged him to let me come to the specialist he was seeing - but he didn't want me to be as scared as he was, he had to come to terms with what it all meant first . . . . . . .he blacked out because his Dad was dying of cancer (Dad dying was true, not the rest) - he was a pathological liar - I look back now and wonder how I could hvae been so STUPID as to not see the lies. But I loved him, and more importantly - I TRUSTED him, and he took total and ruthless advantage of that fact. Our daughter had a very very diffiuclt few years - he basically cut off all contact with her, because she could remember his lies, and wouldn't go along with the 'story' he had concocted about his life. The very worst part, was that after leaving him, I doubted my whole reality - so pervasive were his lies that the reality I lived in, and the real world reality - just didn't match.

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    1. I'm so sorry to hear you've been through this. My eldest struggles with the lies his father has told him too - and no matter the stories, the feelings are similar. I know these things leave their mark but hope you can now get on with your life too - and the resources suggested by another commenter earlier and really helpful. X

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  30. Oh my gosh Anya, you've been through so much. I'm not sure when this happened but I hope some or even a lot of the hurt had now gone, it sounds really tough and I hope the impact it had on your boys heals completely over time too. This will help so many others that are stuck in the situation where they haven't quite realised they are in a relationship with a sociopath. Well done for writing it all so honestly. A very powerful read x

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    1. Thank you Tas. It's most past now. The present is the hurt with the children - when they don't play the game and he becomes hostile. That kind of shit. But getting it all out here has been very helpful and I sincerely hope it helps others too X

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  31. Sending you lots of love and love my brave friend z

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  32. Oh Anya. Biggest hugs ever. Well done you for writing this post, it must have taken great courage and brought back a lot of memories that you had buried quite deep. I hope it was cathartic for you to write it and share it with us all. I can't imagine how hard it is for you having to keep dealing with this awful man, but if you ever need to be reminded of your own strength come back and read this post. You did the hardest thing. You escaped. xx

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    1. Thank you Ruth. It has been fairly cathartic - and the response has completely justified the writing of it and how hard it was. I keep thinking of you words about doing the hardest thing though and I will treasure them - we escaped. Much love XXX

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  33. What a wonderful piece - thank you so much! The description of a sociopath is a perfect fit to my ex but finally I no longer blame myself and see what it was.

    Sociopaths are social predators who charm, manipulate and ruthlessly plough their way through life, leaving a broad trail of broken hearts, shattered expectations and empty wallets. Completely lacking in conscience and feelings for others, they selfishly take what they want and do as they please, violating social norms and expectations without the slightest sense of guilt or regret.'

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    1. I am glad to see that you are out the other side and can see things as clearly as you do! Thank you for commenting :)

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  34. Hi Anya. This was a great read. I am living this at the moment prior to the divorce part. It has opened my eyes and may have just changed my life. Quick question. Did you hold on to the glimmers of hope when he seemed the ideal partner? It is always short lived here but I am holding on to them as there is literally nothing else.

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    1. I think I got too worn out in the end, to be honest. As a natural optimist and seeing how he was in public, all I had for a long time was hope too. In my case it was fruitless, but each situation is unique. I think you know in your own heart what is / isn't right for you. I know that it takes enormous courage to leave - sometimes everything you have - and you think the abuse will stop. It doesn't. Best wishes. Stay in touch x

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  35. That send shivers of familiarity down my spine, well done for writing it xx

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  36. This is one of the most difficult posts I've ever read; it reminds me so much of my own experience which was thankfully much shorter. I know how hard it is to remove yourself from a situation like that; you've done so well. I hope your sons can find a way to see their father without being caught up in his dramas. My sisters went through a similar thing, and both got to a point where they decided they no longer wanted any contact with their father when they were teenagers.
    Thank you for writing this. I think it goes a long way to explaining a situation many people don't even know exists.

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    1. It is one of the most difficult posts I've ever written tbh Vicki! I would do ten minutes and then come back to it a day later, but am glad it's done and I hope it helps people like us to feel less alone x

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  37. Dear Anya, I am so sorry you have to live through this, and others too. I was engaged to one - thankfully no children with him and he's now behind bars for something very nasty indeed. It has taken me 14 years to rebuild myself and my husband has taken the brunt of it. We will never be free, never recover fully, and what he did will always haunt me. I'm so truly sorry.

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    1. Thank you Sara-Jayne and I'm sorry that you are still feeling the ramifications of being involved with someone like this. I think it's one of the hardest things - the injury remains even when they are gone. But the great thing is that they (mostly) are, and we are (mostly) free of them and we should give ourselves much more credit. XXX

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  38. Your words, the comments, it's so very sad. I'm pleased you're out of the woods even if the story continues. I wish you so much happiness for you and your children and a lifetime of happiness ahead xxx

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    1. It has been a very sad situation, but I no longer like that, I'm glad to say, Mari. Thank you for your kind words and wishes xxx

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  39. .....Well at the very least you are on the other side now but clearly he is still managing to hoodwink the authorities in some way by still having access to your boys. If he truly loved your boys he'd let them go as he's causing so much damage but then he is clearly governed by total self interest etc. I went out with a sociopath a long time ago - that was a horrid year and a half. In the end (and years later) I found out that he did kill himself. X

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    1. Oh goodness Sarah. Thank heavens you got out. I honestly don't know what to do for the best - the boys are coming round but it's a harder slog for the eldest. Thank you for your support xx

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  40. I just read this post and its like you described my old life... Right down to the comments about breastfeeding through the night. Mine actually left me for someone else despite first attempting to convince me that it was actually acceptable to have an affair and that I didn't have to conform to society and see that as a problem. 5 years on he still tries to control me via the children, but each year I get a little stronger and wiser to him. Like you, my greatest concern these days is protecting the children from the same abuse I suffered, whilst trying to maintain a relationship with their father.
    I'd never heard the label sociopath before though, so thank you for opening my eyes.

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    1. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and that it continues. I hope this has helped you file some of it away and made you stronger and wiser again. I am so glad to have shared this post - even though it was terribly difficult to write at first. I feel less alone for it which also dissipates any power he still might have held or hold and hope that it's having the same for others like you. Thank you for commenting and I am glad you are also out x

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  41. I have just found this post and your wonderful blog.
    I am so sorry you have been through this and you boys are suffering the effects of dealing with their Dad.
    My ex was similar and I found the website LoveFraud to be very helpful. It is dedicated to educating people about sociopaths.
    I relate to all that you wrote. I became a confused, broken shell during the relationship. There were fierce arguments, where my opinion was shouted down. I was told I knew nothing about nothing on a regular basis. He lied continually and was threatening on a daily basis. He never lay a hand on me but would fly in to terrible rages of I dared disagree with him and would somehow behave in a totally threatening way. He hated that I attempted to stand up to him but in his mind everything was my fault and he was blameless. Eventually he left me and did me such a favour!
    We have a daughter together. So far, co-parenting hasn't been too difficult as he has honoured his commitment to her and she sees him every other weekend. We have had the odd argument over parenting. However, I do feel that he sees her as an extension of himself and doesn't necessarily see the child that she is. It is almost as if she is an accessory to make him look better.
    I worry about her being exposed to his abusive side or if she displeases him and gets the silent treatment.
    He rings her every night and does pay for her and buy her clothes and toys. He has been consistent for three years so I should be able to relax but .......... I know what he is capable of. I have set some boundaries with him though and I hope I will be strong enough to stop contact if I ever have to. I will do anything to protect her. The worst part is not knowing what he says and does when she is with him. She is only five. However, he hasn't given me cause for concern yet. I am always vigilant and just waiting for the house of cards to come down!
    Your blog is amazing. Keep doing what you are doing as you are providing validation and a service to so many x

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    1. Thank you so much for leaving such a lovely comment and I am also very sorry that you have been and are going through this. It sounds like you've got a handle on the situation though and I am sure it won't be too long before he reveals his true colours to her - probably as soon as she starts to stand up for herself and want things that are different to what he wants. It's good to keep your guard up and trust that things will take their course, not be too hard on yourself and enjoy your life with your daughter as best you can regardless now xx

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