Fruits and Nuts!

The lovely Tania from Larger Family Life blog, who I mentioned meeting on my recent VLOG about people who are fabulous, is expecting her 12th child.  This is not an easy statement to make without incurring quite a reaction from most people nowadays and it is with the utmost pleasure I introduce her here to speak for herself about how she sees things:

Tania with eight month old twins Anna and Libby

Mums.  All fruit and maybe a little bit nuts.

One of the last scenes of “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”  has Toula’s father Gus, making a speech at her wedding to non-Greek Ian Miller.  Gus explains how both surnames are a fruit.  It doesn’t matter that they’re different fruit.  As he put it, “We’re all fruit!”
Anya and I met at a recent cooking event.  Anya was lovely but I have to admit I was more bowled over by her boys who were both extremely smart, polite and oh so entertaining!  We kept in touch and I invited Anya to guest post which I’m thrilled to say she agreed to.  I was honoured to be asked to guest post on Older Single Mum even though I am not single although most definitely older and a mum.  Admittedly, the event is not actually that recent any more and this post should have been handed over a long time ago.  My excuse is that busyness, a new family business, keeping up with my existing workload and just plain laziness means I have only just got around to it.  Sorry, Anya!
On talking with Anya and others it quickly became clear that it doesn’t matter who you are, what your lifestyle or circumstances, or what you do – there will always be some degree of stereotypical thinking that folk tend to jump to when you introduce yourself.
Much like Anya’s quest to dispel the image of the single mum, I began my blog over three years ago to share our life in a little more detail and to address the questions and hopefully shed the preconceptions that they tend to have about large families.  After all, large families often seem to get bad press too!
But this post isn’t one in which I’ll be standing on my large family soap box. 
You see, when you read that I had eleven children you probably thought several things. 
“I could never do that!”
“I’d go mad!”
“Wow, she must be Superwoman!”
“She must be crazy!”
And a fair few more. 
You probably thought of me differently to the way you think of yourselves – purely because I have a few more children than you usually hear of someone having.
These are the usual reactions and nothing new to hear.  But I’m not really any different to any of you.
My oldest child is 19.  The youngest are eight month old twins.  In those almost twenty years of motherhood I have touched upon every different kind of lifestyle I possibly could have, I think.
I went from a teen mum in an abusive relationship to a single mum of two.
I went from a single mum of two, reunited with my childhood sweetheart (now my husband). I went from vowing not to have any more children after my second to desperately trying for a third and experiencing three miscarriages instead.
I grieved with each of the five further miscarriages I experienced. 
I suffered terrible depression ten years ago.  Not related to being a mum, but believing I wasn’t the mum I should be due to two years of circumstances.  I reached the very bowels of depression that had me believing my life was worth nothing. 
I worked, worked, worked, sometimes feeling I was struggling uphill to try to make a better life.  Still do.  We all do it every day in some way don’t we?
I cursed the laundry, I ran around doing the same bits of housework over and over again with no difference to show for my efforts, I cooked meals. I loved being a mum some days and found it downright knackering on others.  I still do all that too.
Whilst I no longer feel depressed and am not mad (or haven’t yet been certified!), I am surely not Supermum in any way, shape or form.  If I’m honest I could be a far better mum, I reckon.
You see, no matter which stage I was at, or what my circumstances were at any of these points I was always a mum and each stage had its own burdens and its own blessings too.  And at each of those different stages there were good bits and bad bits.  Yes, even the experience of depression taught me a valuable lesson.
How many of you can identify with any of the stops I made along the way to where I am now?  The thing is, it doesn’t matter how many children we have, whether we are married or single, old or young - we’re mums.  
And we’re all fruit. 

And perhaps a little bit nuts too!

'It's Terrifying!'

So. It transpires that an old bird needn't necessarily really struggle with the technicalities of a blog such as this, as much as first attempts would indicate.

Having about two years of journal notes, attempted columns of funny and embarrassing stories and quips etc., it seemed simply too awful to contemplate not being able to simply transfer some of it over here, but this is what was looming at me.

Feeling totally inadequate - more, even, than on a normal day - complying with various requests for 'URLs (?)' and taking wild guesses at file format selections, the soreness of frustration and failure was seeping into my soul.  

A marvellous friend - the least computer literate one of all - suggested old fashioned Copying and Pasting and hey presto, hooray for her, because it works!

Yes.  It can sometimes be woeful to be me and getting photos over alone is still flummoxing!

Anyway, appreciating that the blogosphere hadn't even emerged when I started all this stuff and that 'Diaries of a Middle Aged Single Mum' are not aptly named to appeal to the masses, now 'Twitter' is where it's at. How on earth are we supposed to keep up when the TV remote controls can defeat us?

But here is what I wrote April 2009:

Column 1 - 'It's terrifying!' 

Who can blame a girl?

IT’S not what you expect – having a baby at 45. 

Neither is it what you expect to tell your husband you’re divorcing him, followed by such news.  And that’s how it started.  Nothing could change my mind.  Matters would merely be delayed.  Three miscarriages is enough for any woman to contend with.  It would be foolish to risk a further one.  This would mean having to put up with him for a while yet, as long as it was bearable.  However it was not to be.  Things would eventually and naturally prove intolerable.

We already have a delightful son who was approaching 4.  It was important to me and I was glad that they were full siblings, same blood etc .  Secretly, that is sort of the only reason I’d had sex with my husband in the first place.  Shamefully, despite pretending such shenanigans were with Daniel Craig, abstaining had still been preferable for quite some time, yet there was a consistent feeling of another child to come yet.  And so, miraculously, he did.  This once-off timing was incredible. 

And so, as well, I would become a single mum with full parental contact for their Dad, which is the hardest bit to cope with!  He’s brilliant with what money he has, yet it’s still a struggle to make ends meet and, furthermore, he is of the opinion it buys him things it doesn’t.  Fortunately, he works away, lives there and is nonetheless devoted to our two boys, Robson and Baby Aiden.

It’s rather confusing at times and although I feel independence is overrated, I miss it terribly.  It is ridiculous to find myself presently truly grateful for any small mercies whatsoever - such as someone else hanging the washing on the line, a job usually undertaken by one of my visiting friends, the impact of which is immeasurably and preposterously disproportionate to the gesture - as my hands are blessed with being full of a tiny bundle of bouncing baby joy.

This, however, is the life of a single parent.  If you know any – and there are plenty of us about, so, indeed, there is a great likelihood you might - do try to be a little kinder, as any miniscule amount of help will go further than you could fathom!

High points of the week – Robson’s mate tunefully teaching him and them both very loudly singing ‘God the Builder, can we fix it? God the Builder, yes we can!’ Robson telling me he loves me ‘To the roofs of buses, all round the town and through everywhere!’  Enjoying the most utterly divine experience of massaging a freshly bathed beautiful baby Aiden, while trying not to let Robson know and avoiding my own secret feelings of jealousy.     

Very low point - being whacked on the ankle with a proper cricket bat.

All things must change...

Major achievements – getting the Alphabet frieze out of its packet, on the wall, spirit level straight, but 6 months after it was given to us, however managing to open the NEXT parcels only five days after they had arrived, plus the bargain adjustable waist jeans were perfect for Robson.  Also, managed to refrain from punching a chatty man, who was innocently and politely discussing the price of a demonstration gazebo in M&S with me, seemingly oblivious that I was sat, obviously rather too discreetly, breastfeeding Aiden under it at the time.  

Unfortunately, the little one’s subsequent blissful slumber would be a bit short lived, for while I 

mindfully perused their school uniform stuff, pleasantly unencumbered by either offspring at the time and piling up my basket, he was rudely disturbed by a packet of vests falling from it onto his head and all hell broke loose.  He screamed.  We scarpered. O.M.G. Had to get out of there. 

Left the lovely so-called shopping and went to collect eldest from Nursery, muttering away about never getting anything done and how likely it is Aiden’s first word will be Bo**ocks!’

Sometimes it’s terrifying being a single mother.  Even when you’re 45! 

  
Read Diary 2 - HERE.

Read Diary 3 HERE.

Read Diary 4 HERE.