Top Tips for Being a Single Parent.

The kids and me.

People are always asking me how I cope with being a single mum.  Their universal line is that they 'couldn't do it.'

Rarely do we choose to go it alone.  Everyone has a story behind why they ended up doing so.  It's tough, it really is, but always for reasons that you might not have thought of before you find yourself (or your friend finds herself / himself) bringing up children solo - for most of the time, at least.

What really helped me was my divorced friends.  They are the ones that understand the relentlessness, the loneliness and the never-ending emotional support required for the kids as they age and ask increasingly insightful questions that demand clever and careful, but honest, answers. They know that these conversations occur around 11pm when one child or another has woken disturbed with yet another bad dream and that you're already exhausted, but still have to find the compassion, the sensitivity and the energy to deal with them.  Again.

And that the children never really come to terms with our family being 'different' to their most of their mates'.

It hurts, it undoubtedly does, but the buck stops with you now, so you've got to get on with it.  And even if and when you're brave enough to choose to co-habit with someone new and wonderful in the future, there is some stuff that will always be down to you to heal.

You'll come to treasure this time - honestly - when it's just you and them.  You'll have intense and unimpenetrable life-long bonds.  There are lots of advantages to autonomy and not being undermined by someone else.

The chances are that the end of your marriage / partnership has been years in the making and, looking back, that will become clearer.  In time, you will become grateful that you are no longer alone within a relationship - because that is hell on earth.

Those who suffer the shock of a sudden or prolongued bereavement endure a different type of hell. They don't get the relief that sets in post separation.  It is a shame and unfair that the brightest stars die out the fastest and that the rest of us are left with the selfish, the stupid and the sociopaths, but that's the way it is, sometimes.  We still have to get on with it.  

Those that think of leaving their spouses don't do it easily.  They wonder whether the grass will be greener for a long while before breaking out.  In my case, it was gloriously so.  For others, it isn't. Many dilly dally or daren't run the risk of finding out, but what suits your children best, regardless, is happy parents.

Here are my tips for if you suddenly find yourself a single mum or dad.  Or even if you are thinking about becoming one.

1) Pace yourself.  You are the most important thing in your child's world.  You are the sun around which the little planet they live on in their heads revolves.  You need to be strong and secure. Running around stressed out of your own serves no-one.

2) Conflict is damaging.  Keeping communication going with your ex is key.  Even if it's via a solicitor (quite advisable in the early days, often).  As much as you might loathe him / her, they're part of the long-term picture.  You may as well get used to that, but, be warned - if they were an unreasonable so and so before your split, they sure as eggs are eggs will remain so now.  Keep all conflict - and it's quite likely there will be some - away from the kids.

3) Lay off the wine.  (*Stares at re-cycling and slaps self.*).  It's very easy to use it as a crutch and most of us consume more than our fair share.  However, highly preferable and heaps healthier is a beautiful bath and an early night.  A)  Alcohol is expensive  B) It makes us tetchy  C) It is a stimulant, will keep us awake, dehydrate us and result in us being us even more tired.  It has its time and place - just use it more wisely than some of us who don't necessarily always practise what we preach.  *Cough.*   Sleep is a better ally.

4) Money is a biggie.  This will probably be the hardest adjustment for all concerned.  You'll be amazed at how you used to flash your cash before and wince.  No matter how many zillions you have between you, it is seldom a smooth move from joint to not.  My ex gave up work and didn't give us a penny, but that's because he's selfish, stupid and a sociopath  - i.e. at the other end of the scale.  Most men are fair and decent but won't wish to understand that the home still costs almost as much to run as it did when he lived there.  The kids come first and it's worth fighting for them growing up without a chip on their shoulder.  They might have to make adjustments too though.  Everyone pays somehow.

5) Find some solidarity.  Some people turn to books.  Others turn to on-line friends, to their real-life ones and to family. Anyone who has been through something similar will help no end.  To feel understood and heard can be truly therapeutic.  What is generally underestimated is the length of time the pain of a split, the depth of it and the effects of it, can be.  Talk, be open and try to obtain some professional counselling if you can.  That kind of thing seriously moves you on.  

6) Make things easier for yourself.  Pay people if you can afford it.  There is no shame in staying sane.  Employing a cleaner - even once a fortnight - can make a real difference to how fraught you might feel.  Learn to bleed your radiators and how to change a loo seat if you like, but let someone else mow the lawn and do your windows. You need to protect your precious energy in order to be able to handle all the emotions flying between you all!  Your children will be grown up in a flash and you don't want to look back and see yourself screaming at them while you're throwing the hoover around in a rage.  Rope in your friends / family / neighbours if and where possible.

7) Take one day at a time.  This is the best advice I was ever given.  Don't scare yourself by looking to the future - it's an unknown entity.  Get yourself through the day.  Give yourself credit for all the things you have achieved, rather than upsetting yourself with the things you just wish you had. Lower your expectations of yourself, but keep your hopes high.  You're on a long road.

If you are a man you will be hailed as a hero.  You are no less one if you are a woman, but some people may prefer to pick you apart.  Ignore them. They are not there when you're weeping because your kids are in the middle of the night.  They don't see the copious, second-nature sacrifices you make.  They have no idea how hard things are.  The last thing you need is yet more selfishness or stupidity to contend with and you can't spare the time from your herculean task overload for it.  An offer of help would be much more appropriate, so their attitude says far more about them than it does about you.

Each situation is unique and we can only do our very best.  The children will love having you to themselves and, eventually, despite your shattered self-esteem and decimated heart, you'll find you 'can do' becoming a single parent.  It will be rewarding, worth it and quite probably, the making of you.

What would you add?

Anya XX

Thank you to all of you who nominated me in the #Bibs 2015 Best Writer Category.  I'm thrilled to have made it to the shortlist and it would be awesome to make it into the final five.  If you can find it in your heart to vote me through, then please click HERE.  (Thank you very, very much!). 

Single Mum's Story - Elle - New Pyjama Mummy.

Elle is in her late forties and an experienced teacher.  She has been blogging over at New Pyjama Mummy for the teeniest time giving heartrending accounts of how she and her newly adopted three year old daughter, PJ, are getting to know one another.

We can't print a a real photo of her because of the privacy laws around adoption, but here's her story, continuing our series.

I have recently become a Mum to a gorgeous little girl, PJ aged 3, whom I am adopting - at 47!

It hasn't so much been a shock to the system, these last 6 months, as more of a dream that has taken what feels like a lifetime to be fulfilled. I have waited a long time for this - and yes there are days when I dream of watching my telly programmes during the day, rather than CBeebies, or eating my food on the sofa - because I want to, but can't until she is much much older - or after she has gone to bed! 

Most days, are fun-filled and we are both re-adjusting - she from a turbulent and traumatic past and has now been uprooted from a secure foster placement to be with me, a somewhat older and single Mum and our cat, Smudge - whose life- yes, has been comepletely turned upside down! 

I haven't had all the years longing for a family with a partner. My short-lived abusive marriage ended before we started a family. I haven't had the pain of failed IVF, but have had the pain of wanting to have a family of my own and whilst holding onto that dream, have watched the years slip by, seemingly bypassing me, leaving me empty handed. 

Whilst I have had years of working with children, young people and families, I have never seen myself as having not become a Mum until I am older because of choice or because I have the great career instead, which is often perceived by "the others": media, and some family or friends. 

I love life and have enjoyed many wonderful adventures but have always wanted children of my own. So, here I am, embarking on new waters to charter, older Mum and proud. The waters may well be stormy and have the beauty of calm seas too. I bring to our journey myself and the life I have had so far, the years of experience and the treasures that lie within, yet to behold.  Proud to be a Mum. Proud to adopt. Proud to be Single. Proud to be older.

It is all as yet, unknown territory. I am not frightened of a challenge. I have risen to the challenge of being adopted as a premature baby to a Single Mum myself, who gave me up for adoption as her choice. I have always known that I was adopted and always thought that I would adopt too.  I have walked through the challenge of a devastating divorce and ridden through the path of singleness and travelled the bumpy ride to do it.

I hope that you will not find me broken and shattered into pieces, or arrogant and full of pretence. Rather, I hope that you might celebrate your own journey and find some connections within our own adventure in my blog NewPyjamas as our story unfolds. I am  New Pyjama Mummy, as she asked for new pyjamas from her new Mummy and she is PJ.

I love tea, coffee and cake and a natter with friends - and wine - after her bedtime.  I love messing around with glitter and glue to create things and love scrapbooking photos.  I'm partial to a bit of really easy walking in countryside in my wellies, yet adore my high heeled shoes and shopping. I love entertaining, cooking and baking and love eating out. And now I have a 3 year old. Help!

Read other wonderful Single Mums Stories on their special Page HERE.   If you would like to add yours, please email me at oldersinglemum@gmail.com.

Single Mum's Story - Kate (WitWitWoo) Sutton.

 

 

 

 

 

Kicking off Series Two of Single Mums' Stories, this is the utterly fabulous Kate Sutton, age 42.  She famously blogs at WitWitWoo  ['Lifestyle. Family. Hairdye!']  She is one of the funniest, friendly and most helpful Bloggers I have met. 

 

She started blogging in 2010 after graduating, just missing a First in English and American Literature with Creative Writing.  She 'needed a space to write.'  That 'space' is currently being peppered with outrageous, well written and hilarious accounts of her new found 'Dating' status, leaving us all begging for more.

Here, though, she makes the point remarkably well, that many of us find ourselves in a positions that we don't choose to. 

 

She lives in Rainham, Kent and works for a marketing agency, primarily involved with Social
Media campaigns, which plays right to her strengths.

Kate has two sons, Ben 17 and Dexter, 8.   

 

 

 

 

 

Lovely Anya from Older single Mum blog has asked me to contribute to her series of blog posts about being a single mum, challenging the perception that single mums are predominantly young, uneducated and living on Council estates.

I am neither young (unfortunately,) nor uneducated (thankfully,) nor do I live on a Council estate (for now,) but boy, am I very much a single mum.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been a single mum – last time round, however, I was in my late 20’s and, after picking myself up from a massive confidence blow, I coped.  Just.  I worked full time in London and found myself literally running from childminder-to-train-to-work-to-childminder-to-home … every day. 

It was, and remains, exhausting, because for the second time round, I am doing it all over again.  I have chosen to work full time and am lucky enough to have a job I love, but I still run from home-to-childminder-to-job-to-childminder-to-home … every day.

I’m now in my early 40’s and I haven’t really felt negatively ‘labelled’ as a single mum but then it’s only been six months.  Plus, I have my own home, job, car … I’m absolutely skint mind you, but, on the surface, I’m doing ‘ok.’  What people fail to realise is the story behind why I’m a single parent.  What drove me to make that decision?  Did I just decide one day that I could do a better job on my own?  That life would be easier if I ‘got rid’?

Well, in many respects, yes, I guess that’s all true.  But when your hand is forced, sometimes there is only one decision that can be made.  There is no choice.  I had no choice.  And we all have to live with the consequences.

Being educated, older and living in a nice neighbourhood doesn’t necessarily make being a single parent any easier – we all have our own stories as to why we’re in this situation.  Very few parents choose to raise their children on their own.  Ask them. 

And for those women who do fall into the stereotype, I applaud you, because I know how hard it is.

I work very hard to provide for my children because that’s how I was raised, but after I graduated as a mature student in 2010, I found out that providing was going to be harder than I’d anticipated.  It took me two years to find full time employment and Dexter and I have to deal with the fact that I’m just not around much.  Just like my eldest did first time around.  But what other choice do I have when I’m the sole provider?

I can’t give up on working because what I’ve realised about myself, having been in many a crappy situation over the years, is that I’m ambitious as hell … bloody determined, and I have a stubborn will to succeed.  Traits that hopefully both my sons have inherited. 

Because living in today’s world is HARD - whether you’re a man, woman, single parent, a couple, gay, straight, black or white.  It’s just hard.  And I refuse to let my ‘situation’ hold me back.

But that’s just me.

Read more excellent Single Mums' Stories in Series 1 from other top notch Bloggers HERE.

 

 

Friends.

Most mornings, even when my little one is at Nursery school, when I could be getting on with my writing work, or enjoying time without any children for the first time in years, I meet a mate for a cuppa.

It could be construed as a complete waste of time and I'm forever moaning about how little gets done at home, but, honestly, is it?  We chat about every day things, everything and nothing, just for an hour or so and then we get on with our day.

It can be very frustrating with two little ones - she has two girls amost the same age as my two boys - they are all firm friends - and we are able to air tantrums - hers / mine/ theirs - and turn it all into a laugh.  Such things can be otherwise traumatising, take their toll and affect us for quite a while after they've passed.

It is very healing, is what I'm saying. 

Lately, my ex-husband has been one of the subjects and it has been an enormous help to complain about discuss his failings as a father outside of my present relationship, although that can't be escaped entirely.  Yet we all have issues from time to time, so this is definitely a two way street. .

My friend and our ritual came about by accident.  We knew each other through Sarah, someone we're both still close to and, when after dropping our eldest kids off at school, would both wander off in the direction of the shops and get chatting, as you do.

They say the more you talk, the more you have to say, so our chats ended up over sit-downs and enjoyable cuppas in the Co-op cafe, rather than standing around outside it for 45 minutes!

There's no end of a subject that's not fodder and other mums we know come and go, but we are steadfast in our avoidance of housework for just that little bit longer.

Girlfriends have held me together over the years, particularly since my marriage breakdown, but before that, they have always been my life blood.  Living away from family has created a need for like minded company through the good times too and as I get older, so my friendships age as well.

Debbie and I were neighbours growing up - that's nigh on 40 years we've been friends.  She married young and while I was working in London or travelling the world, she was stuck at home with a (now Ex) husband away in the Royal Navy and two young children.  The tables have now truly turned and it's me on the other end of those postcards.  [Grrr!].

Others are in Jersey and New Zealand (roughly 30 years standing), Australia, Essex and Hampshire (25 years), plus those who've read her dating exploits will already have heard of my friend Sheila, who has been around seemingly forever, but during these last few years has really come into her own, guiding me back towards my old self and helping out in every conceivable way, with me rarely having to ask.

Considering her journey to us takes a good two hours, this is no mean feat and I worry that I won't ever be able to repay her.  But she reminds me of the times when I have helped her, travelled to her and supported her and it's taken as a matter of course that this is what women do.  And, naturally, we do.

My other friends say the same and I am honoured to be blessed with mutually respectful relationships that have seen our fair share of ups and downs all round.

Considering the intimacies shared between us all, a split can yield an enormously painful and devastating impact, something those of us who have regrettably experienced it can testify to.  And yet this is something we could share and try to get over with our other girlfriends.  (My heart still occasionally aches for two women I used to know, more so than for any man).

It's important to have people around you who know who you really are - before you became a wife / mum and might have lost yourself for a while.  Indeed, it is they who will help renew you.

So even though my friend locally and I didn't know each other pre-kids, nor the other mums we mix with, as all our children get a little more hands-off and we spend that bit more time over a relaxing coffee, the women behind the motherhood are quietly emerging and this is pure joy.

Surely, there is nothing wrong with that?  Sooner or later, we'll all be heading back to the workplace and this precious time will be lost.  I, for one, will be too.

Happy Birthday Claire!

Who are your girlfriends?

The Plan!

So this is The Plan:

We live in a semi detached house on the coast.  In my mind it has become our luxury villa in a seaside - resort and we are on holiday for a whole six weeks.

Instead of dread, I am eager to explore, just like I would be somewhere new.

I am looking at our surroundings with new eyes - those of a holiday maker, not a woman with two children on her own, ostensibly, and it all seems bearable. 

The thing about being a single parent in the holidays is that I can't ask my boyfriend to take two weeks off work to help me with the kids, because they're not his.  I could ask him to take off the odd day for him and me to spend some extra time together, particularly while the weather is glorious, and as much as he would love to and will, he doesn't mind admitting he would rather be taking me out for dinner, just the two of us.

To be honest, I'm flattered to death.  It's years since someone has asked me on a proper date.

Don't get me wrong, as a wonderful friend and partner of almost a year now, he has always been nothing less than fantastic with both my boys.  It didn't occur to me he might want me to himself now and then, but he does. 

So rather than the snatched two or three hours on the odd Saturday afternoon when the children are with their father, who lives a decent enough distance away for me to find this whole scenario tolerable, we are going to find ourselves a babysitter and going out on at least one Saturday night, alone, for the first time ever.

How bizarre is that?  We have the nuts and bolts of a solid relationship to get on with every day living in a warm, easy, positive, calm way and we know each other at our worst.  Wouldn't it be brilliant to get to know one another at our very best?

So, apart from being romanced, there won't be much blogging going on in the Summer break - I am surely not alone with the deserving demands of children and stuff to prepare for days on the beach (where catching up on other peoples' is a joy), making it nigh on impossible for me - unless, of course, when it's to keep me sane, so it's definitely not out of the question - but with curiosity calling, we'll all be out and about. 

If only this villa came with a Housekeeper.

This is where you'll find us...

P.S  See you at the Tots100 Summer Party in Hove?



  


 

Single Mums' Stories - My Own.

Anya Harris (47).

Hi to all new readers from Netmums Busting the Myths Single Mums Week.  Welcome to my blog.

Here I write, mainly as a mother, not necessarily as a single one - our issues are probably similar(!) - and with a wry outlook on life that a certain age can bring, i.e. the wrong side of forty.  Or is it the right side, really?

Anyway, I have been collecting stories from other (older) single mums in a wish to dispel the myth we're all teenagers, scroungers and immoral.  This series has been ground-breaking enough - without judgement for youngsters that end up in  free Council Accommodation (because I can include someone very close to home who had no other option temporarily herself) - that Netmums have decided to run their own themed week dedicated to all single parents.

My blog is still young and finding its way. It's self-deprecating look at having children later on, together with more ordinary occurrences and, more recently, the odd review (relevant to it) make it up.  Plus, there is the added joy of a gorgeous new boyfriend to write about, if we're not too old to actually use that expression, challenging the notion that I am a single mum at all!

However, the wonderful ladies who have told us why they are/were single, and the approaches they take/took towards the unexpected turns in their lives, add weight and homage to what we're about:  Check out Sarah (St Bloggie de Riviere) Hague, no longer single, living in France and many of us know the famous Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt, who writes a shocker of a tale.  We can take comfort that she is happily married to Papasaurus now and, in addition to her eight children, has given birth to the amazing and incredible Love All Blogs, which grows every day in every conceivable direction - a true reflection of this inspiring woman.

We have Mel (HerMelness Speaks) Fargo and my Anonymous friend, both of whom were widowed and write surprisingly differently about their views and their individual circumstances.

Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker is an old hand at this blogging malarchy and a leading light, plus the outrageous Katy (All Sweetness and Life) Horwood takes time off from her serial dating stories to tell us why she consciously became a Single Mum.

Ellen (In a Bun Dance ) Arnison gives us her tips, ever the consummate professional, as is Rosie Scribble who gives us an incredible insight into how narrow minded some people can be - even those with 'influence!'

My story - the shortened version is the one published on Netmums now.  However it's quite a different one telling itself here, evolving and moving on as I manage to.

There's a bit about my shitty Ex-Husband, followed by the first few diaries / columns I wrote in those early days [- if you have the stamina? -  1) It's Terrifying! 2) Eating Standing Up!] then the most exciting stuff starts with my lodger and whether this Landlady is a Tramp.

There's a bit about Romance, an addiction to Radio 2, plus plenty else, including a link to the Gingerbread Organization, an extremely longstanding, much respected Charity that helps Single Parents with advice, practical support and public campaigns.

If you're simple like me  you're not used to the blogging world, you can just scroll around and stay as long as you like.  Comments are always appreciated.

And if you enjoy our shenanigans, please don't forget to subscribe at the top of the page - it's free!

Rosie Scribble - Single Mums' Story 8

Today we welcome the eponymous Rosie Scribble to give us her amusing account of how, sometimes, being a Single Mother can be so mis-construed.   

She is 38 and has a daughter, nicknamed IJ.  They live in Nottinghamshire, although they are planning to relocate to Yorkshire later this year.  She has a business degree, a CIM Professional Certificate in Marketing and a CAM Award in Integrating Digital Media and Branding. She works from home as a freelance writer, advises small businesses on how they can gain exposure online through social media and is currently in the process of setting up her own consultancy.  

Rosie has been blogging for over four years.  She is blogger ambassador for UNICEF and her work has taken her as far a field as Africa and Israel.  She writes about health, parenting and lifestyle issues, incorporating a documentation of her daily thoughts, opinions and experiences of life as a single parent.  When she's not blogging she can usually be found on Twitter or watching Lost on DVD.

Ladies and Gentlemen, La Creme de la Creme:  

Rosie Scribble.



Several months ago I spent an afternoon in the offices of a marketing agency. One of their clients was about to launch a low-priced range of frozen food. I won't go into the details, it’s probably confidential, but what I can say us that they were looking for ways to promote it.

They had drawn up a typical customer profile for the brand’s target customer and it turned out to be single mothers.

So they asked me to put myself in the shoes of a single mother. And they very kindly
gave me some help with this to make the task a little easier.

Apparently here a few facts about single mothers:

They regularly buy frozen food.
They love celebrity gossip.
They watch soap operas.
They read magazines like TV Quick.
There are interested in the tales of footballers wives.

Really? All single mothers?

Here are a few facts about me:

I rarely buy frozen food.
I have little interest in celebrity gossip.
I haven’t watched a soap opera in over a decade.
I’ve never read TV Quick.
I have no interest in the lives of footballers wives.

I’m also a single mother. Perhaps I should have mentioned that to the marketing
agency but their outdated stereotype threw me a little.

Obviously there’s nothing wrong with buying frozen food or watching soap operas or
any of the above, it’s all down to personal choice. What I do have a problem with is
the assumption that all single parents are exactly the same.

We’re not. Mothers - and fathers too - end up bringing up their children alone for a
whole variety of reasons that are often too complex for an outsider to understand. I
won’t go into my own personal circumstances here but you only have to look around
you to realize that no family is the same regardless of size and family set-up.

My daughter is eight and I’ve been a single mother for eight years. I went through a
pregnancy alone in a small flat with no one to turn to for support. I wouldn’t wish that
on anyone. An unmarried mother in a strict Catholic family was never going to be
well received, and outdated beliefs are difficult to change.

But I now have a beautiful daughter and a happy life. It did take some time to move
on from the dark years spent wondering how I would cope and what our future would
hold. It hasn’t been easy and it is a difficult time to reflect on, but life moves on and I
have too.

My days are now spent working from home and looking after a very lively daughter
who is fast approaching her teenage years. We’re incredibly close and benefit from a
very strong relationship. We’re busy planning a house move and I’m in the process of
setting up my own business, all things I never thought possible even a few years ago.

But above everything else, my worries about money, about the future and about
raising a happy child on my own have all been worth it. We’ve had our challenges
and we’ve both felt the isolation of a very small family unit at times, but we’re a great
little team and I count myself as incredibly lucky. I know many women who would do
anything to be able to call themselves Mum.

As for the marketing agency and their low-priced frozen food. I wish them well. Just
don’t assume I’ll be buying it.

Find other Single Mums' Stories here -
Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker
Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt.,
Ellen (In a Bun Dance ) Arnison,
Katy (All Sweetness and Life) Horwood,
Sarah (St Bloggie de Riviere) Hague,
Mel (HerMelness Speaks) Fargo.
Anonymous friend

Single Mums' Stories 7.

Continuing this extaordinary Series of Stories from Single Mums, here is one of our most moving and (unbelievably!) inspiring yet.

One of my best girlfriends lost her husband under two yeas ago. She is 46, with two girls aged ten and seven and has written this anonymously. It is a raw and emotional piece, but with a wonderful, surprising finish.

The story of my journey to become a single mum is perhaps different from most. I am a 46 year old widow, and when I said 'till death do us part' on my glorious wedding day, facing my handsome husband and a future, I had no idea this would be the case. We grew together from teenage sweethearts and remained in love through the challenges of college, first jobs, a distant relationship, children and money difficulties.


My dear husband had always been sporty and active. He played football up until the age of 42 but to his detriment, he was a heavy smoker. He'd tried on numerous occasions to quit, even the birth of our 2 beautiful daughters was not enough of an incentive for him to succeed. However, by the age of 43 he found sport increasingly difficult and was concerned about how his breathing was deteriorating. Whilst the doctors procrastinated about a referral to a specialist, my husband was offered support with a 'quit smoking' class run by the NHS. I was so proud of him as he finally succeed and gave up smoking for good.


As a cruel twist of fate, in the coming weeks his breathing got worse. We initially thought this could be the 'cold turkey' effect that ex-smokers describe. With further persistence, we were referred to a lung specialist who, within 5 minutes of our appointment gave us the devastating news that my husband had a rare lung condition called pulmonary fibrosis. This was described as a very serious condition but not at this stage was the word 'terminal' mentioned. We understood the gravity of the situation but not to the full extent until we came home and investigated more on the internet. I will never forget the day my husband put the sentence together that contained the words 'life expectancy of three to five years'.


We found it almost impossible to look our two young children in the eyes. My husband just hugged them and tears streamed down his face. The journey we had lasted just over 2 years and I cannot possibly describe in words the agony of watching your young, sexy husband deteriorate until he struggles for breath, depends on oxygen and is mobile with the aid of a wheelchair. Other than the obvious day to day difficulties, of which there were many, we had two other major challenges. My husband was fortunate enough to be placed on the organ transplant list which was his only hope of gaining another 3-5 years of his life, subject to the surgery being a success. The anxiety of getting through every day waiting for 'that phone call' which could change your life is immense and totally draining. The other challenge was explaining to our 2 innocent children what the hell was going on. We tried to be as honest as possible without outlining the worst case scenario.

My darling lost his impossibly difficult struggle at the age of 46, and as if that wasn't bad enough, he died on my birthday. The children did not get to say goodbye because the scene in intensive care was far too traumatic for them to deal with, I struggled with those memories and images for months. It would be the first image I would see when I woke up and the last at night. My little girls have been heroes as they were so brave. They returned to school 2 days following his death and were nurtured by the wonderful staff that teach at the school. I had to return to work now being the only breadwinner and did so after 3 weeks. Those weeks and months that followed were lonely and frightening. My family and closest friends helped me hold it all together. I spent most nights on the phone to one of my soulmates, for company, support, love and just trying to make some sense of the nightmare. The first Christmas and New Year's Eve were some of the darkest days of my life.

A year on, I am in a different place. I've worked through a redundancy, found another job, had 3 other bereavements but have received the support from a wonderful counsellor. In addition, my anchor through all of this has been my family and friends.
The first New Year's Eve as a single mum, crystalized the fact that I did not want to be a single mum forever. I am after all still young, have a lot of love and fun to give. I knew after this bleak day, something had to change and only I could make that change. I knew I needed to start getting out, after all, you are not going to meet anyone in your living room. I arranged a few special nights out with girlfriends and decided at that point, I may need to widen the net. By the February, I had registered with one of the leading dating websites and by March I started receiving emails from an interested party. In short, this interested party is now my boyfriend, we have been seeing each other ever since and are in love. We are both catching up with lost time and really making the most of life. We have been abroad together already and more recently have started to involve the children, who could not be more delighted.
I guess that there are 3 morals to this story:
1. Never give up hope - I doubt there are many single mums that relish being on their own. Only you can start to make that change.
2. Change can be very scary but exciting at the same time. Embrace it and accept that things rarely stay the same, be adaptable and prepare to compromise when necessary.
3. If you aren't already registered as an organ donor, please give it some thought. It is so important and saves so many lives.

Single Mums' Stories 6 - Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker.

Kairen Varker has been blogging as Confessions of a Single Mum since 2008 and is consequently one of the foremost voices for single parents.

She is 40, divorced 11 years ago and has a daughter aged 15, plus a son aged 12.  They live in Cornwall since her adoptive parents moved there 33 years ago.  She has written about finding both her Birth Mother and Father and their continued contact.

She is presently self-employed, mostly doing wonderful things with websites and also has a thriving craft and beautiful, original greetings card site http://www.karoove.co.uk/.

Her A - Z of Being a Single Parent is here. Her resourceful and utterly brilliant blog is comprehensive, more than helpful, entertaining, honest, heartwarming and inspiring.  She has whole sections on Money and Dating and really makes a difference.  You cannot help but admire the lady and we are blessed that she has given us her excellent story:

Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker. (40).

It feels slightly odd to write about how and why I became a single parent as it was 11 years ago. In my head it feels like a hundred years ago. There was nothing remotely scandalous that led up to my divorce unless you count the only fact that I wasn’t happy and spoke up. It was the first time ever I trusted my gut feeling and acted on it. There was no turning back once I uttered the words out loud that I was unhappy and in 2 short months I went from living in the family home, married and employed in his business to the complete opposite. There wasn’t even any hatred, well not on my side, I just simple wasn’t happy and knew no amount of talks or changes would fix it. I can’t say the same about my ex husband as he was a tad narked at my admittance.

The first few years were the hardest. I had to be positive enough for not just myself but for him too, whilst he handled it the best he could, badly. I had to live through several incidents that involved the police, the least of them being my car would mysteriously develop dents over night and graffiti would appear on the garden wall regularly. I remand steadfast, discovering strengths I never knew I had as I had to be the stable sensible one. In hindsight I learnt a lot about my ex husband as we went through the divorce, I saw a side of him that confirmed I had made the right decision.

I was lucky to find an understanding landlord that understood my situation and fell back on my trade as a seamstress and would sew anything for anyone to earn the money. I had been a seamstress from a young age. My mother sewed and taught me the basics, at 16 I had left home and embarked on an apprenticeship as seamstress. I stopped sewing when I was married as my husband couldn’t understand why I liked it and would complain if I did and say the sewing machine was making too much noise.  It was ironic that as I was divorcing all my friends were marrying. I wasn’t complaining though as I was able to earn money making one off wedding dresses. But my head wasn’t in the right place. I was hardly in a hearts and romance mood and eventually stopped sewing to take an office job.

The whole early experience taught me many lessons. Money isn’t everything; happiness is worth so much more as there were days when I had to choose between putting the heating on or buying food as money was stretched. I learnt that I had so much inner strength that I was still able to bring up to sensible and caring children who love their father.

Over the past 11 years I have drawn on my inner strength and gut feelings many times. I gained promotions, too much on hindsight and the stress put me on the path of having M.E. I trusted my gut feelings again and changed jobs and eventually going self employed. Another hard time and back onto baked beans most nights. But the children and I have never been happier, proving again that money isn’t the most important thing.
The last few months have been challenging with my return to being ill with M.E again, this time badly. I don’t know why but I am being drawn back to sewing again. A new chapter is about to begin and it’s exciting not knowing where it will take us.


Other Single Mums' Stories:
Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt.,
Ellen (In a Bun Dance ) Arnison,
Katy (All Sweetness and Life) Horwood,
Sarah (St Bloggie de Riviere) Hague,
Mel (HerMelness Speaks) Fargo.

Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt - Single Mums' Stories 5.

Annie, 36, is a woman after my own heart. She and her husband of four years, Papasaurus, fell in love while they were already living together.  They live in Hampshire with their two young children, 'Queen Scamp' and 'Ozzy.'  
Better known as Mammasaurus, she is a leading light in the Blogosphere, prolific in her writing and support of all bloggers and has masterminded Love All Blogs, including Love New Blogs, and Love Cookery / Craft / Dad / Mummy / Photo Blogs with Love Music / Travel / Beauty / Fashion / Videos / Politics Blogs to come.

Annie has six other children, giving her a total of five lovely boys and three gorgeous girls, 16, 15, 13, 11, 10, 9, 3 and 2 and, as well as also working on finishing her first book, she has other projects on the go, one of which is supporting Black Dog Tribe, which was founded by the famous comedienne RubyWax, a baby born to her, to help raise awareness about mental illness and kill off the stigma which surrounds it.

We all know Mammasaurus to be original, creative, witty, clever, frivolous and outlandish. She says she's 'just a mum in a dressing gown writing stuff down that comes to her.'  You've only got to take a look at this Christmas Karaoke of hers to appreciate how far from true this is!    

Yet recently she wrote about Living in Cloud Cuckoo Land - sharing her experiences of living with mental illness.  Looking back, she believes her first marriage broke down as a result of Post Natal Depression - something we haven't yet covered in this series of Stories from Single Mums. Her first husband is now one of her closest friends. 

Here, she writes a very serious story along lines we are more familiar with. However the degree is nothing short of shocking. Her honesty is brutal and unnerving. It is about the break up of her second marriage and what happened when she became a single mum. Her message is sincere and important.  

She serves as an inspiration to us all.


Ladies and Gentlemen, it is an honour and a privilege to give you Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt:

Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt, 36.

Back in 2003 I was single mother of six children under the age of seven, I was living on state benefits

and every value brand of food under the sun.


“It’s irresponsible if you ask me, having kids that she can’t afford and expecting the rest of us to
pay for them” are the words I overheard another mother speaking in the school playground one
afternoon.


My second marriage broke down in very unpleasant circumstances. Following many months of my
husband controlling every aspect of my life I mustered up the courage to tell him that I no longer
wanted to be in a relationship with him and I asked him to leave.


At this point I have to add a bit about his controlling nature. We had been together for three years
before I even began to notice what was happening. If he rang from work and I didn’t answer the
phone, for example if I had popped to the local shop for supplies, I’d have a long interrogation on
his return that evening. Where had I been? How long for? What hadn’t I told him before he went to
work I was going out? Even if anyone we know could verify my whereabouts.


I became a the secretary of the school PTA but attending evening meetings proved problematic
– if I was gone for any longer than an hour I would have to explain why it went on so long, who I
was speaking to and so on. Whilst I was part of the PTA I became friends with a very strong and
inspirational woman, she was married with children but had her own identity – it was only through
getting to know her that I realised just how wrong my life had become. When my husband told me
to choose between him and the PTA I chose. And it wasn’t him. ‘It’s me or the PTA’ sounds bloody
funny in hindsight.


I felt weak willed and useless, how had this man managed to manipulate me so much? The answer?
Very slowly and systematically.


A week after I has asked him to leave he came to visit the children, it was then he raped me, in front
of my two youngest children.


That’s the precise moment when we went from a separated family to me and the children being
alone. The police became involved, I took out an injunction against my husband and the CPS
reviewed the case. The case was dropped – insufficient evidence they said, my word versus his word.
It could not be proved beyond reasonable doubt.


I went from a housewife and mother of six children with a ‘loving’ husband who had a reasonable
job to a single mother of six children, coping with the after effects of rape surviving on benefits the
best I could. The word ‘stress’ does not even come close to describing how hard it was.


My mother and I do not have the best relationship; she is what I would call a critical mother.
Whatever I do it’s not good enough or done as well as she would do it. The first example that pops
to mind is potty training. I started potty training my eldest at 18 months old only to be told by
my mum that it was ‘far too late – you were potty trained by the time you were 8 months old’.
Seriously?


My mother was the only family I had, my father had died a few years earlier and one day she had
come to visit us and asked me ‘Are you sure you were raped? N******n seems like such a nice man, 
are you making it up?’

I asked her to leave and to this day we don’t speak much.

Fast forward a few months and the family court decided that my husband had done nothing to the
children and so I would have to let him see them every weekend. On the first weekend of contact
one of boys was returned to me minus his lovely long golden locks. He had had his head shaved.
My husband’s reasoning he ‘thought he saw a nit’. The next weekend the children came back from
visiting him with his wedding ring saying ‘daddy misses you he was crying – please can he come and
live with us?’


Things got much, much worse and I couldn’t cope at all. I arranged for my children to live with their
fathers. The older three with their father and the middle three with my second husband and I left. It
was known that I was going but I told no one where.


The point of telling this story is that it’s easy for people to judge you as a single mother – benefits
scrounger, slag, irresponsible. People need to take a step back just for a moment, some single
mothers are single through choice and are strong and independent women. Others are single
mothers through no fault of their own and are just doing what they need to do to get by, to exist,
to be a good mother to their children. Single mothers do not need snide looks, accusations or
stereotyping – they need support and respect. Respect for having the strength to go it alone, to be
the main carer, bread-winner, conversation holder, bottom wiper, friend and role model.




Next  

Ellen Arnison - Single Mums' Stories 4.

The Very Clever Ellen has been blogging In a Bundance since 2007 and has just published a book called Blogging for Happiness: A Guide to Improving Positive Mental Health (and Wealth) from Your Blog.   She is 44, lives in the seemingly extraordinarily picturesque Bridge of Weir, Renfrewshire (judging by the photos she puts up) and has three boys, aged 12, 9 and 2 1/2.


Following years of tabloid journalism and a bit of PR, she now enjoys her work / life balance, staying at home most of the time writing for people who pay her and 'messing about on the internet.'  


Ellen became a Single Mum in 2002 because her relationship with her older boys’ dad broke down.  She recently wrote a very timely, fascinating post which ties in beautifully with this series: What Shape is Your Family?

Ellen Arnison (44)

While I now share Bundance towers with the splendid Panther of News, I did spend a couple of years on my own so I’ve earned my single mum stripes.

I was delighted when Older Single Mum asked me to join her parade of interesting and inspiring women. The variety of circumstances that led to their singledom is wide and consistently defies predictability.

Just now I'm writing this on a train and across the carriage is a woman with her three children. Her middle child is chatting to another passenger, the way little girls do, and has just said: "I was crying when my daddy went away."

I wonder what that mum’s story is – where did daddy go? For how long? And why?

I’ve no idea, but I'd bet she isn't a victim, feckless, slack about the morals or in any way bringing up kids deficient in anything. Why would she be?

However, I can't presume to know about her and her family just as much as I wouldn't expect people to know anything at all about me from what they see on the outside.

So as there are clearly no generalisations about single parents, maybe the most useful thing I can do is share a few of the things I learned from being one.

An early bedtime is essential. A day on your own with the kids can be a long grumpy old thing so the sooner they are all tucked up the better. Anytime after 5pm is fair game. Contrast a house with older kids and two parents and bedtime is an exceptionally moveable feast. it doesn't seem to make any significant difference to anything, so do what you need to do get through the days.

Sundays need a plan. Sundays along with bank holidays are sacred family times. Or at least that’s how it seems from the single parent sidelines. It's necessary to get up and get out into the world. But this isn't a condition of singles alone. The Panther works every other Sunday leaving me and the boys to our own devices. Same conditions apply. http://bundance.blogspot.com/2011/10/if-sundays-arent-best-am-i-bad-mother.html

Control freaks secretly love it. Oh yes we do. No one to question about decisions. We do things our way unhindered.

Babies in your bed is bliss. Without another adult occupant a double bed is a bit of a too-big cliche. Fill it with warm snuffly little people and snuggle up.

Social media can be a life saver. I suppose everyone is different, but the thing I missed the most while on my own was someone to talk to. However marvellous children are, up to a certain age their conversation is rubbish. I was lucky that my spinster years coincided with my sister’s quiet patch. We spoke many evenings. If you aren't as lucky as me, try social media. Tweet your chums, facebook, blog.

Make a mobility plan and practice. Out and about is one of the most difficult things on your own. Babies, toddlers, shopping, tickets, keys, phones and bags have magic powers and need to be strictly controlled. Think through where you are going and consider clothes with pockets, baby back packs, keys on strings, kids on leads and shoes you can sprint in.

Beware the sleazy husbands. There are some men who consider it a public service to relieve single women’s inevitable sexual frustration. Depressing as it is these men are opportunists whose function is to remind us that a husband isn't always a blessing.

Don't forget yourself in out all. It's easy to focus on your kids and even to let them and their stuff fill up your life. This isn't wrong at all, just don’t forget that they will grow up and, rightly, do their own thing and you’ll be back where you started.

Next - The incredeible Annie Spratt, from Mammasaurus blog.