Single Mums' Stories - My Own.

Anya Harris (47).

Hi to all new readers from Netmums Busting the Myths Single Mums Week.  Welcome to my blog.

Here I write, mainly as a mother, not necessarily as a single one - our issues are probably similar(!) - and with a wry outlook on life that a certain age can bring, i.e. the wrong side of forty.  Or is it the right side, really?

Anyway, I have been collecting stories from other (older) single mums in a wish to dispel the myth we're all teenagers, scroungers and immoral.  This series has been ground-breaking enough - without judgement for youngsters that end up in  free Council Accommodation (because I can include someone very close to home who had no other option temporarily herself) - that Netmums have decided to run their own themed week dedicated to all single parents.

My blog is still young and finding its way. It's self-deprecating look at having children later on, together with more ordinary occurrences and, more recently, the odd review (relevant to it) make it up.  Plus, there is the added joy of a gorgeous new boyfriend to write about, if we're not too old to actually use that expression, challenging the notion that I am a single mum at all!

However, the wonderful ladies who have told us why they are/were single, and the approaches they take/took towards the unexpected turns in their lives, add weight and homage to what we're about:  Check out Sarah (St Bloggie de Riviere) Hague, no longer single, living in France and many of us know the famous Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt, who writes a shocker of a tale.  We can take comfort that she is happily married to Papasaurus now and, in addition to her eight children, has given birth to the amazing and incredible Love All Blogs, which grows every day in every conceivable direction - a true reflection of this inspiring woman.

We have Mel (HerMelness Speaks) Fargo and my Anonymous friend, both of whom were widowed and write surprisingly differently about their views and their individual circumstances.

Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker is an old hand at this blogging malarchy and a leading light, plus the outrageous Katy (All Sweetness and Life) Horwood takes time off from her serial dating stories to tell us why she consciously became a Single Mum.

Ellen (In a Bun Dance ) Arnison gives us her tips, ever the consummate professional, as is Rosie Scribble who gives us an incredible insight into how narrow minded some people can be - even those with 'influence!'

My story - the shortened version is the one published on Netmums now.  However it's quite a different one telling itself here, evolving and moving on as I manage to.

There's a bit about my shitty Ex-Husband, followed by the first few diaries / columns I wrote in those early days [- if you have the stamina? -  1) It's Terrifying! 2) Eating Standing Up!] then the most exciting stuff starts with my lodger and whether this Landlady is a Tramp.

There's a bit about Romance, an addiction to Radio 2, plus plenty else, including a link to the Gingerbread Organization, an extremely longstanding, much respected Charity that helps Single Parents with advice, practical support and public campaigns.

If you're simple like me  you're not used to the blogging world, you can just scroll around and stay as long as you like.  Comments are always appreciated.

And if you enjoy our shenanigans, please don't forget to subscribe at the top of the page - it's free!

Single Mums' Stories 6 - Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker.

Kairen Varker has been blogging as Confessions of a Single Mum since 2008 and is consequently one of the foremost voices for single parents.

She is 40, divorced 11 years ago and has a daughter aged 15, plus a son aged 12.  They live in Cornwall since her adoptive parents moved there 33 years ago.  She has written about finding both her Birth Mother and Father and their continued contact.

She is presently self-employed, mostly doing wonderful things with websites and also has a thriving craft and beautiful, original greetings card site http://www.karoove.co.uk/.

Her A - Z of Being a Single Parent is here. Her resourceful and utterly brilliant blog is comprehensive, more than helpful, entertaining, honest, heartwarming and inspiring.  She has whole sections on Money and Dating and really makes a difference.  You cannot help but admire the lady and we are blessed that she has given us her excellent story:

Kairen (Confessions of a Single Mum) Varker. (40).

It feels slightly odd to write about how and why I became a single parent as it was 11 years ago. In my head it feels like a hundred years ago. There was nothing remotely scandalous that led up to my divorce unless you count the only fact that I wasn’t happy and spoke up. It was the first time ever I trusted my gut feeling and acted on it. There was no turning back once I uttered the words out loud that I was unhappy and in 2 short months I went from living in the family home, married and employed in his business to the complete opposite. There wasn’t even any hatred, well not on my side, I just simple wasn’t happy and knew no amount of talks or changes would fix it. I can’t say the same about my ex husband as he was a tad narked at my admittance.

The first few years were the hardest. I had to be positive enough for not just myself but for him too, whilst he handled it the best he could, badly. I had to live through several incidents that involved the police, the least of them being my car would mysteriously develop dents over night and graffiti would appear on the garden wall regularly. I remand steadfast, discovering strengths I never knew I had as I had to be the stable sensible one. In hindsight I learnt a lot about my ex husband as we went through the divorce, I saw a side of him that confirmed I had made the right decision.

I was lucky to find an understanding landlord that understood my situation and fell back on my trade as a seamstress and would sew anything for anyone to earn the money. I had been a seamstress from a young age. My mother sewed and taught me the basics, at 16 I had left home and embarked on an apprenticeship as seamstress. I stopped sewing when I was married as my husband couldn’t understand why I liked it and would complain if I did and say the sewing machine was making too much noise.  It was ironic that as I was divorcing all my friends were marrying. I wasn’t complaining though as I was able to earn money making one off wedding dresses. But my head wasn’t in the right place. I was hardly in a hearts and romance mood and eventually stopped sewing to take an office job.

The whole early experience taught me many lessons. Money isn’t everything; happiness is worth so much more as there were days when I had to choose between putting the heating on or buying food as money was stretched. I learnt that I had so much inner strength that I was still able to bring up to sensible and caring children who love their father.

Over the past 11 years I have drawn on my inner strength and gut feelings many times. I gained promotions, too much on hindsight and the stress put me on the path of having M.E. I trusted my gut feelings again and changed jobs and eventually going self employed. Another hard time and back onto baked beans most nights. But the children and I have never been happier, proving again that money isn’t the most important thing.
The last few months have been challenging with my return to being ill with M.E again, this time badly. I don’t know why but I am being drawn back to sewing again. A new chapter is about to begin and it’s exciting not knowing where it will take us.


Other Single Mums' Stories:
Annie (Mammasaurus) Spratt.,
Ellen (In a Bun Dance ) Arnison,
Katy (All Sweetness and Life) Horwood,
Sarah (St Bloggie de Riviere) Hague,
Mel (HerMelness Speaks) Fargo.

Christmas and 'Gingerbread'

Christmas can be a wonderful time for single parents.

It can be a relief to get out of a shitty relationship, to have some peace, enjoy the children, not to have to get up for the school run, to be able to take up offers of friends' and family's kindnesses and generosity and generally run the show, or kick back and let someone else do it for a change.

On the other hand, finances can be strained at the best of times, frustrations galore will exceed themselves, tantrums will take place more than usual - even by Mum / Dad - because the pressures can out do the pleasures when the burden of 'making sure everyone has a good time' can be too much.  Yet we all know that the same could be said of many non-single people on that front!

It seems timely and appropriate, being Christmas, to introduce Gingerbread, a Charity organisation that aims to provide expert advice, practical support and public campaigns for single parents.

They have an utterly fascinating history, stemming all the way back to 1918, a Helpline and quite a bit of clout with the media and politicians.

At the moment, they are inviting stories from single parents in order to support one of their current campaigns, entitled 'Single Parents: You're Brilliant!'

They claim one in four families are now headed by a single Mum or Dad in Britain today - 1.9 million single parents raising nearly three million children.

Their Chief Executive, Fiona Weir, said: 

“Single parents are raising happy, healthy children and most are holding down a job too. They deserve praise, not criticism, for the brilliant achievements they make.”

Hear! Hear!

Thank you to Confessions of a Single Mum for introducing us to this fine organisation. We hope to have a Story for our Series from her in the New Year.

In the mean time, for every person suffering at this time of year - and there are many for whom being single was thrust upon them and they are, indeed, presently unhappy, there is one who has come through the bad times, grown and developed into who they now are and who wouldn't turn back the clock if Father Christmas gave them the option!

So, whoever you are, wherever you are at, single, not, or in-between, I wish you the very Merriest Christmas and may your 2012 bring you everything you deserve and more!

OSM X