The NCT, Single Parents and Me.

That's little old me - unable to see over the lectern!

I was recently asked to share my experiences of being a single parent at the Annual National Childbirth Trust (NCT) Conference and suggest ways in which they can better support us.  Little did I realise this would render me a Keynote Speaker in their programme and up on the main stage right at the outset of the day!

I thought it was ironic - because they are trying to shed their middle class image, whilst I have always been trying to claim one for single parents since beginning this blog and although it seemed a good idea in principle - as it's something I can yack about until the cows come home - the thought of standing in front of several hundred people was enough to wake me in the middle of the night for the duration of the few weeks between naively readily agreeing and the due date.

But once I was there, it was an important enough occasion and job in hand to just get on with it and even though my nerves were making it impossible to see my notes and I couldn't see over the lectern and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done in a life that has never been short of adventures, it simply had to be done.

I would talk about that time with Daniel Craig ...

The introduction said I would talk about the time I slept with Daniel Craig, which we figured would get their attention and, picking up the baton from a Stay at Home Dad, it made sense to run with it.  

I asked our audience - mainly NCT Practitioners and Volunteers - to consider why it is that our society views such men as heroes, whereas Stay at Home Mums aren't seen the same way.

And I pointed out how should such men, or indeed any men, happen to be Single Fathers, how they are automatically elevated to Superhero status, but the term 'Single Mother' conjures up a totally different image.

The people at the front were nodding along and, unbeknown to them, they kept me going.  Not that I could really see.  With my glasses off, the audience was clear but my notes were indecipherable, yet with them on, it was vice versa.  I was in a right old faff, truly quite jittery and really trying not to let it show!

So, ploughing on bravely, I blamed the media and suggested that the stigma surrounding single mums is the first thing which needs addressing, plus I added the teenagers making up less than 2% single parents statistic, which always surprises everyone.

Then I got personal, revealing how my ex-husband and I had led separate lives since he 'couldnt stand the f***ing sucking sound' of me breastfeeding our baby, that the first night we'd spent together in a couple of years had resulted in our second son and that I'd had to throw him out whilst only a few months pregnant.

More than a few months pregnant - about to pop!  A single mum at 44.

I put it to them that lone parents come in all shapes and sizes.  Some can be married or in partnerships on the outside, but behind closed doors it's another matter.  Others have partners working away (but they generally are privy to financial and emotional support that most single parents aren't) and only relatively few - but it's a number that's rising - choose to have children that way.

I explained reaching out via my blog, how I discovered and featured other single mums - older, professional ones like me - all as far removed as it's possible to be from the way we've too often been portrayed and I very much regret it slipping my mind to mention the ladies (and men) who have been widowed, who also do a sterling job of raising their children single-handedly.

Another favourite statistic about our average age - nationally - being 38, got a powerful reaction and I made it clear that none of us finds it easy.  We're either on 24/7 and never-endingly knackered, which isn't really in the interests of the children, or we're missing out on up to 50% of their childhood.

I confessed that no matter which way we may be doing things, it's hard, it hurts and the loneliness can be crippling.

Plus, our aspirations for ourselves as well as for our youngsters don't change just because our circumstances have.

So what did I feel they can do to help?

Having given this matter some thought prior to the event, I mooted a campaign called 'Look Out for Lone Parents' - using the expression in its double sense.

And if, per chance, any might actually be out of the house attending one of the famous NCT ante or post natal groups, said it would be perfect if other members might be encouraged to offer them some normal solidarity instead of treating them like pariahs, because as experience goes, friends on the ground can be much more effective than Facebook ones - particularly where older siblings are concerned.

NCT local networks have been providing a framework for firm friendships for over fifty years now so there is incredible scope within them.  They can be a lifeline for lots of parents, regarldess of their personal situation and it makes sense to make the most of them.    

Honoured to be speaking alongside Tim Atkinson, Author and Emily Slater, Maternal Mental Health Campaigner.

Protecting their mental health is paramount (and the person speaking after me went into this in more depth and in general, sharing shocking stories - including her own failed suicide attempts - about those who suffer PND), so easing pressures wherever possible - even in the smallest of ways, can make a massive difference.  Meeting up for coffee, alternating a school run, or inviting them and / or their children over for tea - helps them feel less abandoned, ashamed or alone and this benefits the whole family in the long run.

It was time to wrap up then, so I finished with it being a sad truth that the Superhero status isn't applied to any of the single mothers I've met on or off line, yet they are the bravest, strongest, smartest people I know and they deserve as much support and as little stigma as their male counterparts.

So that was it - the gist anyway.  It was quite an ordeal, being unaccustomed to presenting and it took me about a week to recover, but I was glad of such a huge opportunity and the feedback was overwhelmingly positive.

I was treated brilliantly and there wasn't a hint of any middle class militancy.  On the contrary - everyone involved was thoughful, sensitive and kind - possibly, again, as far removed as it's possible to be from the way they've too often been portrayed.

But it didn't feel ironic, it felt inspiring and inclusive and I thank them from the bottom of my heart for trying to make things easier for people following the lone parent path.

The NCT is a national charity.  Their mission is to be an advocate, guide and friend for as many parents as possible through their First 1,000 Days.  You can tweet them at @NCTcharity and / or find out more about them HERE.   

Writing For Gingerbread.

Everyone knows a single parent somewhere and every single parent should know about Gingerbread - a powerful organization and charity offering special support and expert advice on any of the predicaments we might find ourselves in.  Perhaps the most famous single mum to defy the feckless layabout image that the media likes to tar us with is their President - the author of the Harry Potter books, JK Rowling.

They're currently campaigning to make things more feasible for single parents that wish to work to be able to and instead of asking me to write about them like I sometimes do, this time they have asked me to write for them - a post on their blog.

This is quite a timely matter for me and the most natural thing to bring up was the crisis of confidence that can occur when people who've been mums - single or otherwise - and for whatever reason(s) - feel it's time to venture out into the big wide world again, so that's what it's called.

They're inviting you to pop over and have a read, consider those single parents you know somewhere and, perhaps, point them in their direction, not least for an amazing initiative by one of the country's favourite retailers!

Here it is - A CRISIS OF CONFIDENCE by Anya Harris.

[Oh and, by the way, if you don't mind, the Single Mums' Stories featured here have earned us a nomination in the Candis Magazine's Blogging Awards in the Parenting Category. If you think they deserve it, then please do click a little vote for us, thank you!].

More Gingerbread Please.

The famous charity Gingerbread is currently featuring me as one of their UK's favourite Single Parent Bloggers.  Yay!  *thrilled face*  They've recently been revamping the Community section of their site and have a new Single Parent Bloggers page. 

Having been founded nearly a hundred years ago, when the Bastardy Acts were in place and illegitimacy was terribly discriminated against,  they continue to be a force for good, campaigning and supporting and being a wonderful resource.  I thought it would be interesting to hear more about them, so asked if I could return the compliment and feature them too!  

I think most of us know someone, somewhere who could benefit from something here.  Please pass on anything you feel might be helpful to them.  It's written (with mutual thanks) by Anna Pietrowski:   

Single parents, be part of it!

Being a single parent means you’re probably an expert at doing it yourself – getting on, dealing with it and working it out.  But can all do with a bit of support from time to time.

Gingerbread is the national charity for single parent families. We provide expert advice, practical support and campaign for single parents. At the heart of what we do are our members, over 40,000 single parents from all walks of life who joined to be part of an organisation that speaks out for you and helps make your voices heard.

Here are just a few of the reasons why single parents join Gingerbread.

Make new friends

Ever wondered how you’ll fill the evening ahead after the kids have gone to bed? Or wanted to know how another single parent would tackle a particular issue you’re facing? Maybe you just want to rant about the way single parents are portrayed in the media with someone else who gets it.  Whatever your concern, it’s good to know that there are many thousands of single parents out there raising children on their own who you can turn to.

Gingerbread’s supportive and welcoming online forums help single parents link up with each other, chat and share experiences. The forums are a great place to let off some steam and spend some time chatting to other parents in the same boat as you – without ever having to leave your sofa!

Get together

Gingerbread groups have been going since the 1970s. They’re run by single parents, for single parents and are a great way to find local support and create a new social life for you and your children. Gingerbread groups are for all single parent families, whether you’re a mum, dad, carer or even a grandparent bringing up children on your own, and kids are always welcome!

Have your say

65 per cent of Gingerbread’s current members told us they joined Gingerbread because they wanted to be part of an organisation that stands up for single parent families. By becoming a member of Gingerbread you can help shape our work, drive forward our campaigns and help us challenge stigma by showing the true picture of single parent life in the UK.

Stay in the loop

Every month, Gingerbread members receive an e-newsletter packed full of the latest advice and information, campaign updates, stories, articles and family-friendly special offers. Sign up to start receiving the newsletter

Join today!

Bringing up children on your own can be an incredibly rewarding experience, but there can be times when it’s difficult, daunting and, let’s face it, downright lonely.  But when you join Gingerbread, it means there’s always someone on your side. To be part of Gingerbread, just head over to our website and sign up for free. 

Gingerbread and Mother's Day.

This Mother’s Day, @Gingerbread want to give a special shout-out to all the single mums out there making it work for their families every day, often under tough circumstances and in the face of stigma and stereotyping. Gingerbread is campaigning to Make it work for single parents by breaking down barriers like high childcare costs and low pay which keep so many parents from fulfilling their potential in the workplace. Take a look at this inspiring video where single mums tell us about the skills they’ve developed raising children on their own – and, if you like, sign up to support the campaign yourself!

Christmas and 'Gingerbread'

Christmas can be a wonderful time for single parents.

It can be a relief to get out of a shitty relationship, to have some peace, enjoy the children, not to have to get up for the school run, to be able to take up offers of friends' and family's kindnesses and generosity and generally run the show, or kick back and let someone else do it for a change.

On the other hand, finances can be strained at the best of times, frustrations galore will exceed themselves, tantrums will take place more than usual - even by Mum / Dad - because the pressures can out do the pleasures when the burden of 'making sure everyone has a good time' can be too much.  Yet we all know that the same could be said of many non-single people on that front!

It seems timely and appropriate, being Christmas, to introduce Gingerbread, a Charity organisation that aims to provide expert advice, practical support and public campaigns for single parents.

They have an utterly fascinating history, stemming all the way back to 1918, a Helpline and quite a bit of clout with the media and politicians.

At the moment, they are inviting stories from single parents in order to support one of their current campaigns, entitled 'Single Parents: You're Brilliant!'

They claim one in four families are now headed by a single Mum or Dad in Britain today - 1.9 million single parents raising nearly three million children.

Their Chief Executive, Fiona Weir, said: 

“Single parents are raising happy, healthy children and most are holding down a job too. They deserve praise, not criticism, for the brilliant achievements they make.”

Hear! Hear!

Thank you to Confessions of a Single Mum for introducing us to this fine organisation. We hope to have a Story for our Series from her in the New Year.

In the mean time, for every person suffering at this time of year - and there are many for whom being single was thrust upon them and they are, indeed, presently unhappy, there is one who has come through the bad times, grown and developed into who they now are and who wouldn't turn back the clock if Father Christmas gave them the option!

So, whoever you are, wherever you are at, single, not, or in-between, I wish you the very Merriest Christmas and may your 2012 bring you everything you deserve and more!

OSM X