Stepping Up.

The kids and me, stepping out in Cervione, Corsica.

It's been a quiet summer here - mostly jigsaws, train tracks, Monopoly and movies.

Although it's good to enjoy being with the boys while they're still young enough to love this kind of thing, the main reason we had to stay closer to home than usual (aside from the naffest August on record) was that, just before we broke up, I ended up in A&E again with a nasty relapse of my post-concussion problems.

It came on completely unexpectedly and was so worrying that I feared going up to the hospital genuinely might mean never coming out!

Forgive me for sounding dramatic, but, normally, if I got too tired or dehydrated or stressed or all three, there would be a throbbing at the point of impact on the side of my head where the badminton racquet struck me over two years ago, it would buzz a great deal - like it was emitting lots of little electric currents and I would know I'd have to sit or lie down pretty swiftly and let myself kind of blank out, but this time, it was different.  It came out of nowhere.

Well, I say nowhere, it was sparked by the kids doing what kids do - playing up in a way that is perfectly natural for two energetic children, in a way that anyone should ordinarily be able to cope with.

We were going to the cinema on a Sunday.  They were a bit too relaxed as the time approached to leave and an ordeal to get out of the house started.  If the tickets hadn't been booked and paid for, we wouldn't have made it, but they had been, so we were all forced to step up.

And this seems to be the problem - too much stepping up on my part.  The Consultant said it was a build up of pressure that had caused the 'popping' sensation which had moved my newly severe headache from its usual specific location to all over my crown.  It had subsided a bit before I eventually took myself off to get properly investigated a few days later, but my eyes had deteriorated considerably further than they have already since the original accident and trying to learn something new brought about physical pain in my brain.

He conducted lots of tests - usually those they carry out in case of a stroke - reflexes, strength of limbs, light and sound etc. and they, fortunately, all produced results that didn't concern him.  He decided, therefore, that the exposure to radiation for another scan wasn't necessary and an assurance to us both was / is that staying still really does help, whereas should there be anything as serious as a bleed or growth, this wouldn't be the case.

But how often do any of us just sit around?  Six weeks of summer holidays were looming at that point and my pressures weren't going anywhere!

Admittedly, they had been higher than normal - jetting off at short notice on a press trip to Corsica, for example, had brought about military organizing for all four of the children in my care, because, frankly, hosting a couple of young Foreign Language students involves the same amount of  attention as my own two. They needed to be looked after in our absence - beds changed, laundry done and food prepared in advance, to, as much as possible, help out my friends who were kindly staying.  It wouldn't do to just scarper and leave them at home without an adult, when have been entrusted to me and I wouldn't appreciate it if I had a teenager who was supposedly being looked after by a host mother in anther country and she suddenly disappeared for a week - work-wise or not!

One of them had been on Ramadan, fasting during the day for the previous few weeks, then eating and re-hydrating (and going to the loo) on and off all night, torturing me with interminable sleep disturbances and we'd only just got back from (another massive juggling excercise of) a week-end away, were in the throes of end of term madness via two different schools and just as the youngest had got over a bug, the eldest needed carting to a big sports event the other side of town, all of which came at once.

But it never occurred to me not to step up to any of it.

And although it was wonderful to be away, I am still a lone parent with two children and just looking at the other bloggers' impressive array of scary looking cameras made me feel too worn out for words.  It also hit home rather hard how the financial pressures of being a single mum can be heaviest of all.

So, feeling uncharacterstically crushed and unbelievably humourless, I took things in hand and the six week break turned out to be a gift - literally what the doctor ordered!

For its whole duration, I put into practise as best as I could the 'be the change you want to see' and started stepping back instead of up.

I've managed to secure a 'proper' job for the first time since the boys were born and have, at last, been able to get them attending the same school - things which will make life easier daily and help my head feel less like an unregulated pressure cooker.  

It still aches sometimes.  There are consequent early nights to contend with and it remains important not to become too tired, stressed or dehydrated or I will still have to let myself blank out as the lovely Michelle Pannell can attest to after it happened even in her tranquil surroundings!

My drinking days might be done as well - although *sacrilege shock* it appears there seems to be a place for watered down wine in this world.  Who knew?!

And things have improved so much that we were even able to get away for the last week off to visit family and friends along the coast and in Jersey again (something I'll be sharing soon).

It feels good to be back on track and I'm looking forward to catching up with what you've all been up to.

Thank you ever so much to those of you who've left very kind messages during this time.  The sympathy and mickey taking are equally appreciated!

Lots of love,

Slacker Anya ;)

XX

Concussion Update.

After I published this yesterday afternoon, I re-wrote it in a completely different light.  This must be one of those cathartic posts that people talk about because I felt much better just writing it all out. Told you I wasn't right, didn't I?!

Here's the new version - a bit like me - the same, but different.

It's not every day you find yourself popping off for a brain scan, but, last week, there I was, sat in the hospital waiting room wondering what what might or might not turn up in the one I was about to undertake.

It was worrying - a no-win situation.  If they discover something they can label after me banging on for over a year now about how I'm still not right since the little one accidentally caught me on the side of the head with the edge of his Badminton Racquet in full flow, then that will be devastating. But if they don't discover anything that can identify and explain what's only presently being referred to as post-concussion syndrome or trauma, it's probably preferable, but still not ideal.

Not feeling right doesn't mean I want something to be wrong, if you get my drift.

It'll be back to square one with the GP, even though I'm barely any further down the line with her anyway.  She has tested my reflexes for signs of a different kind of stroke, suggested anti-depressants and eventually brought me appointments with an eye specialist, a neurologist and now this lovely MRI, mostly to rule things out, rather than to actually help.

The lovely now genuinely late Patrick Swayze.

All progress has been made by my own volition.  Being able to see the top half of my body out to the left of me, proved to be a brilliant incentive!  It reminded me of the film 'Ghost,' when Patrick Swayze's character is knocked to the ground by a robber who he's seen running off after, but his physical body lays down on the ground still, dead. It was really rather disturbing to experience something so close to that kind of thing myself.
    
Fortunately, though, being into all stuff natural medicine, I've been blessed with all kind of help from people I already knew.  A local Osteopath assisted me me to get properly back into my body within a couple of sessions, although I still don't feel 100% there yet and another Cranial Osteopath has greatly reduced the feeling that my head was about four times the size it should be and also soothed my shredded nerves.

Acupuncture has really made a difference with the anxiety induced by all this too, as well as helping to harness everything else, especially the weirdest thing  - which is a severe sort of electrical buzzing at the point of impact on the side of my head.  This is triggered by dehydration or stress and is usually at its worst when the kids are giving me the runaround, especially at their bedtime.  The couple of sessions I've had have had a massive impact on that, but it still occurs somewhat. Heaven knows how it works, but it truly does!

My hormones are up the shoot too, with an instant kind of menopause.  Although that is relevant to my age, it's certainly not the natural course events would take.

Less convenient has been another sudden and dramatic effect - on my eyesight.  Again, this could be attributed to me getting on a bit and the general consensus among the professionals is that the bash on the head has basically speeded up the process, but I'm not convinced.  I could read my texts on the day it happened, but not the day after and the prescription on my reading glasses increased a great deal at once.

I can't think like I could, can't do what I could and I now have to pace myself in what would previously be an unrecognizable fashion!  People give me quizzical looks during conversation - they know I am different.  I know I am different.  I am slower.  So, the same, but different.

But the main thing is that I am still alive! The dizziness and fainting that only came on after a month when carrying shopping or being really tired seems to have passed and I can drive for longer spells, so, generally speaking, things (apart from my Bank balance) are looking up.

I've found a new 'normal,' discovered that sitting still can be boon - it really makes a difference, as does real quiet - and appreciate that, on the whole, I am otherwise well and happy, so can cope.

Settling down for this scan, however, forced me to focus on the situation for the first time in quite a while.  As time has gone on and treatments have brought gradual improvements, it has been increasingly possible to put it to the back of my mind.  And it occurs to me now, that, whilst wondering what will happen if they find something and what will happen if they don't, perhaps, I'm actually already winning?!

Do you or does anyone you know have any experience of concussion / post concussion trauma?

Hitting the Ground Running.

We've has the most hectic few weeks ever.

First, there was my bash over the head with a badminton racquet and I haven't been quite the same since.  It's impossible to read my iphone screen as clearly as before, so am struggling with social media just at such a time where loads of lovely pictures and some Tweeting could be telling stories that there simply isn't time to write.  

The sea today!

Some self-redemption might have been possible with my new instagram account if the signal wasn't so dodgy where half my time is spent with the children to and from their different schools at staggered hours.  I take splendid photos of the sea en route most days, but on there they stay - 'Failed to send' and uploading them to blog posts is out of the question at present.  'Failed again' they might as well say, while the two children and three children still selfishly demand to be fed and watered with clean clothing and bed linen, plus copious conversation.   

One day, I might eventually sit down at home and send them all at once and you'll get lots of 'The sea today' taken on several different days really - and glaringly obviously too, but it might be fun anyhow.  She's always different. 

It's mad for lots of us towards the end of term, so hitting the ground running is the only option for now. This week-end the the boys were baptized.  The weather was fantastic, the ceremony was beautiful, the party afterwards was perfect.  It meant lots of organizing and people travelling a great deal, but was worth it.  

Prior to it though, a week- end 'glamping' with no electricity was, let's say, a novelty, interestingly timed and put to good test that adage 'A change is as good as a rest.'  When I've recovered from it, I will undoubtedly confirm, once again, that all cliches are true. 

All this followed hot on the heels of the Britmums conference, endured enormously graciously *cough* despite confirmed concussion.

So when someone asked if I wanted to sell my iphone it jolted me into making another  appointment to get checked out by the Doctor properly, because they obviously didn't take me seriously enough last time.  Perhaps I didn't take myself seriously enough, but if you know that bit in the film 'Ghost' when Patrick Swayze gets knocked out by the robber and he runs after him but his body is still on the ground, then you might understand when I say that the top half of me was out of my body - literally knocked sideways!

I'm feeling better all the time, and my osteopath has been a great help, but not being able to interact properly only increases the feelings of failure that most single mums are subjected to, even on a good day, which is silly, isn't it?  Don't we all like a bit of life in our social media and a bit of social media in our lives, no matter how hectic we are? 

[Disclosure: I have been compensated for this post, but words and pic are my own, obvs!].

Concussion and Conferences - Not Great Allies!

'The Butterflies' Penny Alexander, Clare Anderson, Gemma Mathieson, Michelle Pannell, Michelle Garrett, Me. 

People give me credit for the Fearsome Four Year Old not yet having been rushed up to A & E and I'm quite proud of the fact, seeing as it's a full time occupation to keep him out of danger.

He's an incredible little thing - bright and energetic, a whirlwind of curiosity and excitement and he likes to live life on the edge.

But it was the edge of his badminton racquet that got me - in the side of the head, as he swung it with all of his might in order to hit a shuttlecock he'd picked up whilst I was bending down to get another.

To say I saw stars in an understatement.

I saw the osteopath and the GP too.  Concussion was diagnosed.

Have you ever heard of a Butterfly with concussion?

The headache appeared on Day Three.  The conference was on Days Four and Five.

The dazed feeling is still around, although it no longer feels like my body is walking alongside itself.  I don't remember much of last week and seeing as I barely slept, it seems strange to have achieved so little!

Lying down stops the world spinning, but this wasn't possible at Britmums Live  I'm sorry if I didn't talk to you / see you.  I apologise if we entered into a conversation that made no sense whatsoever.

Some of me functioned properly, some of me wonders what really happened.  I did my bit - basically suggesting cups of tea to anyone who would listen and attended sessions like 'Bloggers and Brands,' presented my books to a (very encouraging) Literary Agent, tweeted my way through the Awards Ceremony to keep everyone not able to attend abreast of events and met Ericka Waller who writes Mum in the South  (Winner- 'Family' Category) for the first time, which was something we'd both been trying to achieve for a while seeing as our children attend the same school!

Meeting up with people who are now considered to be old chums is always the best bit of these conferences and keeping Anna Timms (Adventures of Ageing Matron) under my butterfly wings for the entire party, 'saving her from all manner of fright' as she put it, escorting her around it picking people off her wish to meet list was definitely a highlight and, being a Vicar's wife, she definitely kept me out of too much trouble.

By far the most inspirational person on planet Britmums that week-end was the wonderful Katie Piper, the young lady attacked and burned by sulphuric acid at the age of 24.  She gave a moving presentation about what that was like, her recovery, her work with other burns victims and her positive attitude which has helped her through the last five years.  Her mum was her 'honoured guest' but we were the ones 'honoured' - to hear her, to be in her presence and witness her words.

That incredible talk, which opened the second day, will stay in all our hearts for ever and, suddenly, the concussion and the using my brain making my head feel like it was going to explode, seemed surmountable.

Thereby followed the 'Finding Your Voice' seminar and a Social Media Crash Course by the blogosphere's equivalent of Morecambe and Wise - two brilliantly funny Award Winning ladies, mammasaurus and Mummy Barrow.  They're so popular that there was standing room only, which, unfortunately, got the better of my condition, so I had to duck out before the end, which was a real shame, because this duo don't only know what they're talking about, but are aware of how to pitch the information to those of us that only half know stuff.  I hear there are hand outs ....

And then I went home, missing out on all the afternoon sessions and the major highlight, as always, the Bloggers Keynote, where some of the strongest posts of the years are selected and read out by the very person that wrote them.  This was particularly disappointing because I missed it last year and my friend Older Mum was reading out hers but, when they've taken out the delightful host Katy Hill's  hilarious 'oversharing' we can catch up with them too!

So concussion and conferences are not meant for each other, but I have really missed being there since coming home, where coping with the kids and concussion isn't easy either.

'At least I can lie down and watch loads of telly,'  I thought - only to discover it's Wimbledon fortnight.  We won't be watching any racquet sports.  And I hope the Fearsome Four Year Old will forgive me, but we won't be playing any either for the foreseeable future.  But at least he's safe.  Rather me than him.  Let's call it an occupational hazard!